Its been about three weeks now since I last had a chance to dress up and im beginning to struggle a little now, im getting a little annoyed/frustrated/stressed. Today of all days when im meant to be making some big gesture to my partner about how much I love her, and all I want to do is as little as possible. Ive been obsessing again, constantly running things through my head about this side of my life, and its been slowly depressing me over the past few days. I dont think the pressure of Valentines day is helping either to be honest. Im not some hopeless romantic, and I know I put my partner through a hell of a lot, but I just fail at this every year.
I tried to leave the house earlier to go pick up a card and some chocolates from town for her, I put my coat on, sat on the stairs, and then must have sat there for about 20 minutes trying to motivate myself to leave the house. I couldnt. I had to literally force myself out the door when I had a break in thinking. I eventually got into town and it seemed that every girl that walked past was just triggering a thought that made me feel worse and worse about myself. Wonderful figure, nice leggings, why cant I look like that, lovely hair, cute face, girls are so lucky, nice shoes, love that top, wish I could pull that off, round and round and round and round. By the time I got to M&S to buy some food for our meal tonight, I was so annoyed I had to go home instead. I was on the phone to my partner trying to decide with her what to get and with all the people around me, the old people in my way (ive got nothing against old people by the way, but en-masse in front of the food it got frustrating), trying to figure out what to get over the phone and what was part of the deals...... I gave up.
So now im sat at home and I feel a little calmer now but still feeling pretty sorry for myself. This is another Valentines day ive messed up, a day when I should be showing my gratitude for my partner still standing by my side after all that ive put her through over the past year, and more. No gesture would be big enough to show my appreciation, but I cant even try and make a small one.