Wednesday, 27 February 2013

Embarrassment And Experimenting

Another boring webcam shot
Since this is the last day of my week off I decided to get dressed up for the day. I bought a new dress, cardi and scarf over the weekend and I wanted to try them on (and they do look amazing on!), so I spent a few hours this afternoon cleaning, shaving, cleaning again, dressing, plastering, plastering again, plastering again and so on. My partner also had the day off today and she was downstairs doing her own thing while I dressed up.

When I finished getting ready though I found myself feeling quite nervous. This isnt something she hasnt seen before, ive been dressed in front of her quite a few times now but once again I found myself hiding in the spare room. I cant decide why I couldnt face her though, was it because I was worried about what she would think of me? Or am I embarrassed to be dressed up in front of her. I pushed myself past it eventually and we spent the afternoon watching TV together but it took me a while to get there. Once I changed back into a man later on my partner said to me that I looked nice, referring to when I was dressed earlier. This was a bit unexpected to be honest but a nice compliment to be paid!

I have also been giving Andrew O'Neills quote (see previous post) a lot of thought today too. I think ive got over my 'I want to be a woman' stage, I know its never going to happen and as much as im going to get depressed over it from time to time I need to ground myself in reality a little. As such I did a little experiment today and went bra-less and without breastforms for a good chunk of my dressing time, but still had on my dress, wig and makeup and I was actually ok with it. Its clearly something that isnt going to work with tops that are designed with breasts in mind, but I think it could work with a lot of clothing I have.

I know with my partner the breastforms were something that really confused her and slightly freaks her out about this, its one thing to like dressing up and makeup and so on, but adding breasts makes it look like its some kind of roleplay or something. And if for example I ever came out to friends with this, I could see it being the most jarring aspect of it all because of how fake it is to wear them. I suppose a wig wouldnt be much better but I dont have much of a choice there.

The same could be said for when going out and about dressed up whenever it will finally happen. Since passing completely is not an option, finding that balance of being me but dressed in a feminine way seems a more logical target to aim for, rather than putting in loads of effort and fakery to present an image that isnt going to fool anyone. At the very least, itll make toilet trips easier because ill still clearly be a bloke, just in a dress.

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