It was nice to see my friend again, although I did have a moment of anxiety while I was on the train. And again, I found it extremely difficult to finds things to talk about and this was nothing to do with her, it was all me. I hate the thought of putting my foot in it conversational-wise, or making a social fool of myself, which I have done too many times.
One on one situations are not too bad, with the right person I can usually kind of push myself through them. Group situations are much, much worse. This social event for example. I'm with a lot of people I don't know and have no shared interests with, and I'm already putting myself under pressure because I'm fully aware of this. So after the hi's and awkward looking around while trying to think of something to say, They then ask "so how's work" I have to bite my tongue with what that place has put me through, and that conversation dies quickly. I ended up just sat at a table people watching and drinking to myself for hours until it was time to go. I hate it.
The idea of detaching myself from everyone came into my head again this weekend. Delete my Facebook account, turn off my phone and snap my SIM card, maybe even dump my partner, move and start again. God I hate this so much. Am I just being selfish?
I'm meant to be going to a stag do in a few weeks. I haven't replied to the final invite message because truthfully I hate the idea of it and can't push myself to go. I've never been on one, I'm not a big drinker, I don't know what to expect, there will be people I haven't seen in many years there, and people I don't even know. At this moment it is just something I can't put myself through but I will look a right twat if I don't go. I really don't know what to do.
Another thing that has been getting to me over the past few days is frustration, especially at the social event. Seeing girls doing their own thing fills me with so much jealousy ive had to stop myself shouting out in frustration several times now. I want what they have so bad sometimes, it's more then simple wishing, I can feel what I can only describe as a physical longing to be in their place. I think the fact that Aimee seems to have taken a back seat so far this year isn't helping. I'm annoyed that im near the end of February and I am still yet to start on my New Years resolutions, or take any more steps to take Aimee out of the closet.