Saturday, 23 February 2013

Social Anxiety

I've been up to a few things this week, I visited a T-Girl friend who I haven't seen in a long time, and I've had to visit my partners family too this weekend, involving going to a social function with extended family and more. The one thing that has shined through for both is the social anxiety I felt beforehand, which was amplified by the fact that I have great difficulty getting to know and connecting with people. My interests are not really 'mainstream' and I find it difficult to find things I have in common with people.

It was nice to see my friend again, although I did have a moment of anxiety while I was on the train. And again, I found it extremely difficult to finds things to talk about and this was nothing to do with her, it was all me. I hate the thought of putting my foot in it conversational-wise, or making a social fool of myself, which I have done too many times.

One on one situations are not too bad, with the right person I can usually kind of push myself through them. Group situations are much, much worse. This social event for example. I'm with a lot of people I don't know and have no shared interests with, and I'm already putting myself under pressure because I'm fully aware of this. So after the hi's and awkward looking around while trying to think of something to say, They then ask "so how's work" I have to bite my tongue with what that place has put me through, and that conversation dies quickly. I ended up just sat at a table people watching and drinking to myself for hours until it was time to go. I hate it.

The idea of detaching myself from everyone came into my head again this weekend. Delete my Facebook account, turn off my phone and snap my SIM card, maybe even dump my partner, move and start again. God I hate this so much. Am I just being selfish?

I'm meant to be going to a stag do in a few weeks. I haven't replied to the final invite message because truthfully I hate the idea of it and can't push myself to go. I've never been on one, I'm not a big drinker, I don't know what to expect, there will be people I haven't seen in many years there, and people I don't even know. At this moment it is just something I can't put myself through but I will look a right twat if I don't go. I really don't know what to do.

Another thing that has been getting to me over the past few days is frustration, especially at the social event. Seeing girls doing their own thing fills me with so much jealousy ive had to stop myself shouting out in frustration several times now. I want what they have so bad sometimes, it's more then simple wishing, I can feel what I can only describe as a physical longing to be in their place. I think the fact that Aimee seems to have taken a back seat so far this year isn't helping. I'm annoyed that im near the end of February and I am still yet to start on my New Years resolutions, or take any more steps to take Aimee out of the closet.


  1. You are not being selfish, sometimes we just have to put ourselves first. I have often thought about doing exactly the same.

    I know exactly how you feel with social anxiety, "I ended up just sat at a table people watching and drinking to myself for hours until it was time to go" - that's me too. I have made excuses not to go to weddings and christenings just so I don't have to deal with the social aspect of it.

    If you really can't put yourself through the stag do then you shouldn't have to, it is not fair to put yourself through that just for the sake of others or what they think. Perhaps suggest to the groom that you will make it up to him and go for a few drinks on a separate occasion (one on one)?

    Danielle xx

    1. While I do agree with you, at the same im conscious of falling into a rut I dont want to be in, as tempting as it has been.

      I really wish I could have made an excuse for this weekend. To be honest I have made excuses for so many parties with friends over the past few years, including pretending to be ill. Its pretty bad because these people are supposed to be my friends but I feel so out of place with them. Its even worse when meeting people for the first time too!

      Thats a good idea but I cant do that to him, I need to just push myself to go really. Im going to text him tomorrow and say I will go.

      Thank you for replying Danielle! :)

      Aimee x

    2. I ended up accepting the invite to my friends stag do. I need to try and get over this but sometimes with everything else that goes on its difficult to want to make an effort with people, knowing the mental hurdles im going to have to push myself past.