A Deal Breaker

Yesterday I finally summed up a little courage and talked to my partner about some of the things that have been getting to me lately, and the reasons for my low moments. It did take some of the positive energy out of our shopping trip but the conversation just went there really.

Some of the conversation was around my social anxiety and the fact that ive had a lot of things ive had to go to has meant ive been feeling down because of this. I explained the reasons, thought processes and so on to her because I can look at it objectively and often see how ludicrous these thoughts are, but I cant help them.

A large part of the conversaion though was about my Trans* side, things that ive been meaning to bring up for quite some time but just couldnt bring up the courage or find the right time to do so. I didnt get to cover everything I would have like but I managed to air a few things. Part of the conversation went onto what would happen if I came out to friends/work/etc, I cant remember if we were on about on purpose or if someone just found out, but that doesnt really matter. Basically, she said that if it did happen it would probably "be a deal breaker" for her, she doesnt think she could cope with the social implications of people knowing about this side of me.

This isnt something weve discussed openly since I came out to her, and while I initially was quite happy for this to remain a secret and I could probably quite happily keep this a secret, I suppose over the past few months or so I have been daydreaming about the day I would come out to people so I dont have to lead this double life anymore. I suppose the ideas of trying to ground my female side in my male side (not using boobs, not changing my name, etc) are steps towards making my Trans* side something that can be a little more socially acceptable to the people in Bobs life and my partners statement has effectively made this a moot point.

Another thing I have to consider is what if someone found out accidentally and then spread the word through the grapevine? Our relationship could end through things that are outside of my control. Am I going to have to stop taking risks and only dress up at home? Will I have to remove all traces of myself from the internet? Obviously this paragraph is a bit of an overreaction and I wont be doing these things as this will be going against the progress I have made over the past few years, however, I realise I may have to be a bit more conscious of the risk I am taking. I myself am not bothered if I am found out, however it is not my well being I am concerned with.

Now for me, not coming out to our friends/family is not a deal breaker and because it is important to her I will happily carry this on, at the same time I cant help but be a little saddened that there will be no end to this secret life. When I met with my partners best friend last year, a week after coming out to my partner so I could help her understand this side of me I was actually quite proud of who I was, and I loved showing her the photos of me from the dressing service I went to a few weeks before. I loved the compliments (obviously), but I also loved the fact that I could show her who I really was and know that I didnt have to hide it anymore. I wont get to do that with anyone else in my life now. There will be big moments in my Trans* life in the years to come and I wont get to share them with some of the closest people in my life. I suppose this is a curse the majority of us in this community have to live with.

Nothing Interesting

I do realise the majority of my posts are usually written when im not feeling to great about myself, so I made this post to try and balance things out because ive been feeling a lot better over the past few days. Im still thinking about/obsessing over this a lot but without the slight anxiety attached at least it makes it manageable. I havent been able to dress up for a few weeks now but ive got 10 days off coming up from about the middle of next week and I intend to take full advantage of it. I have a social event I have to go to over the weekend but the time around it is mine for the taking.

I think im going to look at trying to knock a few things off my new years resolutions, maybe get a new wig, do my nails for the first time in ages, try and meet up with someone, and maybe even look at starting to exercise too. As far as getting out dressed up again it looks like that is going to have to wait until April at the earliest now, its turning 6 months since BNO now and im itching to get out again! If I havent heard anything back from the people im meant to be going out with I may just arrange something by myself anyway.

Im also quite looking forward to the fact that there is a TG friendly makeover place opening up fairly local to me, hopefully in April. The lady who is setting it up is a fully qualified MAC makeup artist and I intend to book myself in for some lessons as soon as she is ready. Apparently ive heard she is amazing with beard cover too, I wonder how much luck she will have against mine! Theres also another lady reasonably close who is TG friendly and does image consultations too, im considering getting in touch with her to see what that is about and if there would be anything for me to gain from it. I think I might have to speak to my partner about that first though as it looks like April is turning into an expensive month for me!

Anxious For What?

Over the past week or so I have been feeling quite anxious and aware that I have been thinking about this side of my life quite a lot. In fact, almost continuously. I just havent been able to switch off at all, even when I am working.

I do feel like ive fallen into a rut. I havent really done anything properly in so long. After the massive push I made last year it just feels like all the ground I made finding myself has gone to waste. Im not doing anything, and im not even on about socialising or going out. I could be doing little things like grooming myself, painting my nails every now and again and so on, but I am not even though I really want to. I know my partner doesnt like me doing stuff like that all the time and while I know she will let me when I need to she doesnt want me to do it all the time, so im trying to save it for 'special occasions'. This is fair enough, she didnt sign up for this 9 years ago but it is bugging me quite a lot now, especially because those special occasions just arent happening.

Not only that, but im feeling isolated too. Online interaction just isnt enough for me, and as much as I can talk things through with my partner, I can tell that while she accepts me she doesnt want to deal with it all the time. I want someone locally I can meet up with regularly, dress up, chat, drink, chill, whatever. Female or Trans*, I dont care. Ive just got no-one to talk to face to face that I feel I can relate to and I can be honest with at the moment, and I just feel like im bottling things up again. I have no outlet and the chances ive had to dress since the new year just havent been enough.

Im so frustrated. There has been so many occasions over the past week or so ive had to stop myself literally shouting out.