Wednesday, 6 March 2013

Anxious For What?

Over the past week or so I have been feeling quite anxious and aware that I have been thinking about this side of my life quite a lot. In fact, almost continuously. I just havent been able to switch off at all, even when I am working.

I do feel like ive fallen into a rut. I havent really done anything properly in so long. After the massive push I made last year it just feels like all the ground I made finding myself has gone to waste. Im not doing anything, and im not even on about socialising or going out. I could be doing little things like grooming myself, painting my nails every now and again and so on, but I am not even though I really want to. I know my partner doesnt like me doing stuff like that all the time and while I know she will let me when I need to she doesnt want me to do it all the time, so im trying to save it for 'special occasions'. This is fair enough, she didnt sign up for this 9 years ago but it is bugging me quite a lot now, especially because those special occasions just arent happening.

Not only that, but im feeling isolated too. Online interaction just isnt enough for me, and as much as I can talk things through with my partner, I can tell that while she accepts me she doesnt want to deal with it all the time. I want someone locally I can meet up with regularly, dress up, chat, drink, chill, whatever. Female or Trans*, I dont care. Ive just got no-one to talk to face to face that I feel I can relate to and I can be honest with at the moment, and I just feel like im bottling things up again. I have no outlet and the chances ive had to dress since the new year just havent been enough.

Im so frustrated. There has been so many occasions over the past week or so ive had to stop myself literally shouting out.


  1. This comment has been removed by the author.

  2. Hi Amiee,

    (Deleted my comment because I got your name wrong!)

    A lot of what you talk about are quite common feelings. I'm not saying that to detract from them, but perhaps to reassure you that many of us have gone through this. You talk about this push last year and now getting into a rut. I would suggest (not advise!) that you remove the to-so list and achievement list. Goals are great, but seeing them as targets and almost putting them like checklists doesn't feel so good to me. Many of these things will happen, but they may take a lot longer than you think. I notice also you have achieved the go out in public one but you also have go out on a day trip. To me, going out in public properly is the day trip so I am a little confused as to whether you have done the high street walk. For me, and many others, that is the bug hurdle and the one that made me decide where I wanted to take it.

    Isolation can be a problem and believe it or not, I often feel that isolation. Finding a nearby t-friend is very hard work indeed and I have not yet found one in the 3 years of looking. I know there are local girls, but they are either very closeted or have their own social circle that is impossible to break into. I have friends from much furher away and they have been of help but the times together with them are very broken up.

    I would try to stop worrying about you girlfriend and how she "didn't sign up to this". This is obviously a part of you and if she can't deal with it in the end, that's the way it will be. It's a stark choice, get over that or never truly move on.

    Again, don't feel the urge to rush. You are still young in the scheme of things. You do need to push yourself from time to time but at a pace that's comfortable.

    Lucy x

    1. Hi Lucy,

      Haha dont worry about the spelling of my name, Amy is still good. :)

      I am aware I am not alone in how I feel but it still doesnt make it any less of a frustration. The 'to-do' lists on this blog dont really impact my thoughts and feelings in any way, its the fact that it feels like I havent done anything since September last year that is getting to me a little. Its been a long time with no real progress.

      And no, I havent done the high street walk yet but I will do, hopefully soon. When I went to BNO in Milton Keynes I had to leave the safety of a private room for the first time, wandering around a hotel, car park, and a nightclub dressed up, both in the night and also the following day too (I even checked out dressed up), that was my first time in public.

      Im in the same situation I suppose. I do have TG friends but I dont have one I feel is 'local enough' at the moment, especially because of work. The shifts im on tire me out and I dont fancy making trips across Cardiff and to the valleys all the time to meet up when I do have my days off. Its quite frustrating really.

      I am trying to get over it, I dont want to throw away the last 10 years over this and I am confident I can find a balancing act to keep her happy while also appeasing my GD, and a lot of the time I am ok, but sometimes I gradually hit a low (like now) and it bugs me quite a lot.

      I will try and take it slowly, it just feels almost glacial right now.

      Thank you for commenting Lucy! :)

      Aimee x