Over the past week or so I have been feeling quite anxious and aware that I have been thinking about this side of my life quite a lot. In fact, almost continuously. I just havent been able to switch off at all, even when I am working.
I do feel like ive fallen into a rut. I havent really done anything properly in so long. After the massive push I made last year it just feels like all the ground I made finding myself has gone to waste. Im not doing anything, and im not even on about socialising or going out. I could be doing little things like grooming myself, painting my nails every now and again and so on, but I am not even though I really want to. I know my partner doesnt like me doing stuff like that all the time and while I know she will let me when I need to she doesnt want me to do it all the time, so im trying to save it for 'special occasions'. This is fair enough, she didnt sign up for this 9 years ago but it is bugging me quite a lot now, especially because those special occasions just arent happening.
Not only that, but im feeling isolated too. Online interaction just isnt enough for me, and as much as I can talk things through with my partner, I can tell that while she accepts me she doesnt want to deal with it all the time. I want someone locally I can meet up with regularly, dress up, chat, drink, chill, whatever. Female or Trans*, I dont care. Ive just got no-one to talk to face to face that I feel I can relate to and I can be honest with at the moment, and I just feel like im bottling things up again. I have no outlet and the chances ive had to dress since the new year just havent been enough.
Im so frustrated. There has been so many occasions over the past week or so ive had to stop myself literally shouting out.