I do realise the majority of my posts are usually written when im not feeling to great about myself, so I made this post to try and balance things out because ive been feeling a lot better over the past few days. Im still thinking about/obsessing over this a lot but without the slight anxiety attached at least it makes it manageable. I havent been able to dress up for a few weeks now but ive got 10 days off coming up from about the middle of next week and I intend to take full advantage of it. I have a social event I have to go to over the weekend but the time around it is mine for the taking.
I think im going to look at trying to knock a few things off my new years resolutions, maybe get a new wig, do my nails for the first time in ages, try and meet up with someone, and maybe even look at starting to exercise too. As far as getting out dressed up again it looks like that is going to have to wait until April at the earliest now, its turning 6 months since BNO now and im itching to get out again! If I havent heard anything back from the people im meant to be going out with I may just arrange something by myself anyway.
Im also quite looking forward to the fact that there is a TG friendly makeover place opening up fairly local to me, hopefully in April. The lady who is setting it up is a fully qualified MAC makeup artist and I intend to book myself in for some lessons as soon as she is ready. Apparently ive heard she is amazing with beard cover too, I wonder how much luck she will have against mine! Theres also another lady reasonably close who is TG friendly and does image consultations too, im considering getting in touch with her to see what that is about and if there would be anything for me to gain from it. I think I might have to speak to my partner about that first though as it looks like April is turning into an expensive month for me!
Hi Aimee!
ReplyDeleteI totally understand how you feel about not feeling great about yourself as I feel exactly the same way. Just too much thinking and obsessing seems to stop a night out. I've done that so many times!
Just doing that one little thing like getting a new dress or doing your nails does seem to help a little bit but it never feels as good as when you're out!
Reading your blog has inspired me to start my own as I feel much the same way as you!1
Kate
xx
Hi Kate,
DeleteIts not a constant thing but it does have its ups and downs, and considering I dont actually do much with this side of my life, all I usually write about is when im feeling low! The thing is is that I pretty much think about this side of my life continuously, and if im feeling low it means im thinking about the things that get me down about this side of me, and these are usually the things that are least feminine about me. "I hate my body/hair/shape", "why cant I have what girls have", etc. Its a vicious circle.
Ive only ever been out once so its difficult for me to say, but it was really nice to be out as me! It is something I am aiming to repeat in the near future but real life seems to get in the way more than I would like. In the mean time im trying to figure out what little things I can do to keep the dysphoria at bay as much as possible, whether it is my nails or something like that. When I get my time off ill see what I can get away with while keeping my partner happy.
Aw, considering all I seem to do on here is moan these days im glad that it has inspired you! :) I look forward to reading your blog, and comparing notes! :)
Aimee x
Hi Aimee
ReplyDeleteI totally get the ups and downs and thinking about it all of the time as that happens to me also. I try to get wrapped up in my work to try and forget about it but then it all comes back again!
Going out for me has been good and the thing about it for me was it felt right - I didn't experience any euphoria on my first night out or when I tried something new for the first time, I was actually quite relaxed but at the end of the night when it all has to come off - it's not a nice feeling! So the next time I go out I have to try something different.
I don't think of your blog as moaning as it resonates with me so much and I can totally relate!
Kate
xx
Hi Kate, sorry for the late reply its been a hectic week.
DeleteI do find lately that work can be a great distraction if I am kept very busy, the only problem is I do find that the dysphoria and negative thoughts can be triggered by visual stimuli. For example the female colleagues I work with, of which there is a lot. It can be a specific item of clothing I like, or hairstyle or the way the talk, move or interact with other people. It can make me want what they have.
Ha, reading this back it makes me sound like a bit of a pervert or something, but its strictly admiration, envy and jealousy. Im not leering at them continuously from the other end of the room or anything, once that thought process has triggered its mostly me in my head.
Exactly, it did feel right. I didnt get any kind of euphoria or anything either, it was just nice to be out and not having to hide it. I wouldnt say I was relaxed at the end though, my feet hurt from the heels all night! I made it to the end but I didnt expect them to ache that much!
Aw thank you. Im looking forward to reading your blog when you get started!
Aimee x