Yesterday I finally summed up a little courage and talked to my partner about some of the things that have been getting to me lately, and the reasons for my low moments. It did take some of the positive energy out of our shopping trip but the conversation just went there really.
Some of the conversation was around my social anxiety and the fact that ive had a lot of things ive had to go to has meant ive been feeling down because of this. I explained the reasons, thought processes and so on to her because I can look at it objectively and often see how ludicrous these thoughts are, but I cant help them.
A large part of the conversaion though was about my Trans* side, things that ive been meaning to bring up for quite some time but just couldnt bring up the courage or find the right time to do so. I didnt get to cover everything I would have like but I managed to air a few things. Part of the conversation went onto what would happen if I came out to friends/work/etc, I cant remember if we were on about on purpose or if someone just found out, but that doesnt really matter. Basically, she said that if it did happen it would probably "be a deal breaker" for her, she doesnt think she could cope with the social implications of people knowing about this side of me.
This isnt something weve discussed openly since I came out to her, and while I initially was quite happy for this to remain a secret and I could probably quite happily keep this a secret, I suppose over the past few months or so I have been daydreaming about the day I would come out to people so I dont have to lead this double life anymore. I suppose the ideas of trying to ground my female side in my male side (not using boobs, not changing my name, etc) are steps towards making my Trans* side something that can be a little more socially acceptable to the people in Bobs life and my partners statement has effectively made this a moot point.
Another thing I have to consider is what if someone found out accidentally and then spread the word through the grapevine? Our relationship could end through things that are outside of my control. Am I going to have to stop taking risks and only dress up at home? Will I have to remove all traces of myself from the internet? Obviously this paragraph is a bit of an overreaction and I wont be doing these things as this will be going against the progress I have made over the past few years, however, I realise I may have to be a bit more conscious of the risk I am taking. I myself am not bothered if I am found out, however it is not my well being I am concerned with.
Now for me, not coming out to our friends/family is not a deal breaker and because it is important to her I will happily carry this on, at the same time I cant help but be a little saddened that there will be no end to this secret life. When I met with my partners best friend last year, a week after coming out to my partner so I could help her understand this side of me I was actually quite proud of who I was, and I loved showing her the photos of me from the dressing service I went to a few weeks before. I loved the compliments (obviously), but I also loved the fact that I could show her who I really was and know that I didnt have to hide it anymore. I wont get to do that with anyone else in my life now. There will be big moments in my Trans* life in the years to come and I wont get to share them with some of the closest people in my life. I suppose this is a curse the majority of us in this community have to live with.