Monday, 1 April 2013

Negative Self Image

Be warned, im moaning again.

Its been a while since I have dressed up and im sat here dressed but dont have the energy to go any further. Im so frustrated with my body image. Ive posted about this kind of thing before but I dont care, I need to get this off my chest.

It started with shaving my face. Im actually getting pretty good at it now but my face is red raw with patches of shave burn I got so close, and there is a spot to the left of my face under the jawline where I have caught it so many times its just 2 big red balloons on my face, and once again of course I caught it. Im fed up of it, totoally fed up of it. I hate having a beard but dont shave for long periods because I hate shaving more! I cant win!

I bought loads of clothes from ASOS the other week (I had a voucher for 20% off and went a bit mad...) and I finally tried them all on today, and decided they are all going back. I hate it. My arms, my shoulders, my hair poking out from where it shouldnt. I had the big mirror in the spare room so I could properly see what I looked like and all I see looking back is man, and all the cute dresses (two of which I absolutely love) just seem to accentuate the parts I want to hide. Its saddening. The hair I can kind of do something about and my hips I can accentuate, but my arms and shoulders are going nowhere.

This has just taken all the energy out of what I wanted to do today now.  Ive got some leggings, a dress and a cardi on and thats it, I havent done anything else and I just cant bring myself to do anything else either.

Fuck its frustrating.

Why couldnt I have been born a girl. Or even an extremely slim man. Im stuck in a vicous circle and I cant see a way out. Want to look like girl > Dress like girl > Hate what I see > Want to look like a girl > And on and on and on and on...


  1. I don't know of one CIS female who hasn't described these thoughts at one time or another. Some daily ... My bum looks too big, my boobs are too big/too small ... I hate my nose, mouth, chin, hair, ears .....

    Now for us girls the situation is much harder - we hope to be transformed by one or two garments but the same face and body is still in front of us. That's not to say you can't transform yourself but it takes practice and from practice comes knowledge. How to change the shape of our faces with make up, which garments hide parts of our bodies and accentuate others, what skirt length, what colour. ......Girls from birth have years and years of practice.

    Being honest, dressing twice a year will never give you any chance to learn. It's hard, I know all too well, but the effort you put in will be rewarded by what you get out.

    Might also add that my partner things that the cheaper the clothes the harder it is to get something to 'work' for me. This does limit the number of clothes that I have but I think she has a point.

    Don't lose hope


    1. Hi Becca!

      Absolutely. Im well aware that some, if not the majority of CIS women also have similar worries and a similar negative view of their bodies as well, but they do have a 'home advantage' which at least gives them far more options than are available to someone like me who is trying to hide as many masculine attributes as possible. What I would do for my own boobs about now.......

      I make a massive effort and spend a lot of time trying to find things that do work for my body shape, and I am realistic in my expectations too, as much as it hurts. I know I will never look perfect but while trying to find things that will work for me I just find myself with a seriously limited selection of clothing to choose from. And all those cute things I love just dont seem to work for me at all. As disheartening as it is though, im still not giving up because as you say "it takes practice and from practice comes knowledge".

      I dress a bit more than two times a year, I should have probably worded that post a little differently. I meant going out dressed up two times a year is not enough. I still dont dress up enough though, it was every week or two but this year its been pretty much a monthly thing. Every time I get a chance something seems to come up last minute that stops me, and today it happened again!

      I got similar advice from an image consultant who offered her help on Angels. She said that saving money to buy some more expensive pieces makes a massive difference as they are cut and generally made better, so flatter a lot more. It definitely sounds like good advice and is something I do try to bear in mind.

      Thank you for commenting Becca, I really appreciate it!

      Aimee x

    2. I should have read all your blog before I posted.

      Have to confess that the desire to dress has fallen away sharply for me. More like jeans these days in doors. I could also do with finding some outlet for nights out. Far too easy to not bother though - doesn't help the mood

    3. Ha, well I wouldnt recommend it! :) Truth be told I feel like the majority of this blog is just a lot of self-indulgent moaning. I use it to get my thoughts and frustrations down when I am having my dysphoric and/or low moments so it isnt the happiest blog to read. When I came out to my partner last year I kind of hoped I would have become more outgoing, done more things and generally had a more active T social life, which in turn would have also turned the tone of this blog around but its been 9 months now and I still feel like im in the same place when I started.

      I have read of other people losing their desire but as far as I understand it does come back. For myself I do enjoy wearing more relaxing clothes and have been trying to build up a little collection of lounge-wear. The problem I have is even to just relax dressed up it is a lot of effort to 'transform' and I just havent had time or desire to go the whole way myself lately.

      I do agree, it is far too easy to fall into the trap of not bothering to arrange a night out, and this is something I am probably guilty of. If I really, really wanted to go out im sure I could arrange something but I just havent got round to it really. This could be blamed on the effort involved again I suppose. Do you (or did you) manage to get out for nights occasionally, or not at all?

  2. There are excuses and there are excuses. One is that where we live, on the outskirts of London, there isn't much going on. Plus working in London its a pain to travel home and then go out again ..... I am not as young as I was. You know if I lived in Cardiff it would be a different matter, a flit from Llandaff is easier than the 19:52 to London Waterloo. If the last line comes as a surprise I should explain ... I have some history around your parts, a lot in fact.

    The second excuse is lack of confidence, I look OK but want to look better and at the moment the reis something missing. It's hard to define as sometimes I am ok and others I just can't face it. I do have to work upon I though ... If I don't then I continue in this loop of unhappiness. I am making steps ... I go to Charing Cross now and whereas I would flit in and out I now don't mind so much .... Once out the car and acclimatised its fine, its just the first 5 minutes. Yesterday I stopped on the way home to go to a butchers (not that the shop is important) but it was just something I needed to do. I am not sure what the guy thought ... But it was fine, it just felt normal.

    1. Cardiff is such a small city, especially compared to somewhere like London. But to be honest even here there really isnt much going on, id rather be going to London for a weekend and staying in a hotel than being here. The other issue with being here is the fact that one of my rules is no going out locally, which I dont really mind really but limits my options for an easy night out. You have history in Cardiff? Ive spoken to a few people that have lived here at one point or another, usually ex uni students from years gone by.

      Confidence is an issue im having too for much the same reason. I look in the mirror and sometimes I think I look ok, but I dont feel it is good enough to show to the world yet. Other times I dont even finish my makeup and get so frustrated it all comes off and I become unhappy. I definitely need to figure out how to get myself to a stage I am happy with, and in turn am happy to share with the world.

      Thank you for commenting Becca! :)

  3. It is true that London is more accepting of diversity, I could say this is a double edged sword as it makes you think that you pas well. I don't think this is fair though as I would prefer not to be stared at and maybe I might be if I lived elsewhere. I suppose what I meant was that as London is more accepting there doesn't seem to be the same push to have big girl events such as Nottingham or Manchester. I guess its hard making friends wherever you live though....just because we feel more female than most people perceived male doesn't automatically mean that we meet others and immediately hit it off. In fact our situation, being part in the closet often makes it harder still as we often carry around a load of issues which makes us very inward looking.

    I don't know of many girls who don't do the same, we will always ind fault. Isn't that the nature of all woman? Those identified as women at birth have had so long to get used to themselves have got though that and just accept. For some though the upset goes on - especially for us.i don't know the answer to that, all I know is that if we don't push through the barrier of confidence we miss out on so much?

    It will limit you not going out locally, I do wonder though Aimee whether you would be recognised. Put the hair on, put the face on and with good clothes would you really be picked out. Cardiff never seems that small to me. There used to be a Cardiff group that I think met through Angels that used to go out a fair bit ... 3 or 4 years back I last saw it. Not sure if they still do now mind you. I do think that the more you focus on planning for big nights away from home out the harder it becomes. There will always be a reason not to go. Smaller, quieter nights with less expectations seem must better, even if you meet one or two girls in drab to start with. Easy to say though, hard to do.

    As for Cardiff, lived there for 10+ years and went to school at the Bishop.parents still live nearby and was actually there last weekend. Never really get chance to explore much these days as hard to get out when there are relatives to visit. We keep threatening to have a weekend staying in a hotel and not tell anyone!!