Frustration

So the last few days have been particularly difficult. The GD has been coming back with a vengeance, and in turn the low moods that come with it. I dont think the anti depressants have been working as well as they should do anymore. Ive just not been able to switch off, and have felt like crap because of it.

The morning walk to work has always been particularly difficult even since being on the happy pills, especially now since my walkman doesnt work anymore so I literally have no distraction on the 35 min walk. However when I get to work I can usually busy myself and then forget about it within about 10-15 mins. Yesterday though I couldnt shake it and its stuck with me pretty much since then. The slight feeling of wanting to cry all the time (one of the things which prompted me to go to my GP last time) has been there pretty consistently up until now, and ive also been miserable, depressed, demotivated and snappy. Ive had urges to hit things, urges to just stop walking, give up and drop to the floor, urges to shout out in frustration, and so on.

I hate this. Im in a rut and I need to be more proactive. The only way im going to figure this side of me out is by giving it more room. I havent done anything since Sparkle, I talk about going out more regularly and have done for ages, but actually havent got off my arse to do it. To figure out where the events are, when they are on, the logistics of getting there, and so on.

I need to set myself a deadline. By the end of next week im going to aim to have a plan in place. Some places to go, some people to meet, something to do, and how to go about it.

Pride

Cardiff Mardi Gras is just around the corner. On Saturday 31st August there will be a celebration of LGBT diversity and equality around the city centre starting with a parade throughout the city centre, followed by an event in the millenium stadium, and then finally later on in the evening a street party around where the cities gay bars are located. Will I be attending? Well, no. Im working throughout the day on Saturday anyway but could potentially make it to the evening event, however, I wont be.

Im proud of who I am as a person. Im proud of being trans*. But I wont be going to Cardiffs equivalent of Pride. Its a difficult thing being proud of who I am as a person and what makes me unique, but being unable to show that part of me to anyone outside the 4 walls of my home in case people close to me or my partner found out. Having to hide something I take pride in really bugs me.

Its difficult to feel part of a community that I also have to keep at arms length. Going away from my local area makes things easier but in Cardiff I could never attend any LGBT events while showing my true rainbow colours. I work with quite a few gay people and we get on brilliantly, but I also work with close friends as well. If I became a regular face at any night spots or events, word would soon get around im sure. This is so frustrating as being able to go out in my local area would make my life so much easier but I just couldnt take the risk.

I could attend Mardi Gras if I really wanted to. These events are open to LGBT supporters as well as the community and I could make up any number of excuses why I am there but as appealing as the idea of attending is, being there under the pretense of being a supporter wouldnt feel right. Plus I would find it difficult to explain to people I know why I am there when that kind of thing is the polar opposite of what I find entertaining.

The line-up for the main event seems to be full of b-list X-Factor drop outs, gay circuit entertainers, and other semi-pro performers and they are charging £8 per ticket to go see them. Mardi Gras used to be free however since going to the Millenium Stadium it appears not to be the case anymore. Im not exactly a fan of this kind of 'gay friendly' entertainment having experienced similar at Sparkle, so its not exactly enticing me to go.

I do find it quite interesting though that being a member of the LGBT community seems to mean also conforming to its own sub-culture. It should be enough that someones sexuality or gender identity doesnt conform, but there is also a dress code, particular music and entertainment tastes, and so on. Its a shame I dont like any of it. Cant someone be gay and enjoy a bit of Hardcore Techno instead of Britney Spears? ;)

Coming Clean

I think I need to sit down with my partner and have a chat about my T side at some point although I think it will take time to build up to this. She knows I have to dress up and I get a bit depressed about it sometimes, but I dont think she realises the thought processes that go through my head and the daily struggles I have with it. I have intentionally been vague with her and I am shielding her from it. A while back she told me in conversation that she got over all her insecurities and is absolutely fine with having Aimee about, and im worried that being open with her about this would ruin the stability we have found. At the same time, I dont know what the future holds for me and its unfair to withhold this information from her as she cant make informed decisions about what is right for her.

Demotiv-8 Upd-8

So the happy pills finally kicked in about a week and a half ago, and im feeling much better. The first few weeks were horrible, going through stages of feeling spaced out, not thinking straight, feeling up then down, and so on, but once they leveled out its a lot better. I still feel a tiny bit, I dont know how to describe it, fluffy? But I can work through it. Its odd, sometimes if something has triggered a low feeling I feel like my head is saying I should be depressed or miserable, but I dont actually feel it. This is particularly noticeable with the GD, my head goes through the thoughts but the bad feelings attached just arent there, mostly. I do feel a little bad on occasion but its nothing compared to where I was. The only other thing is the drowsiness, if I havent slept right or enough, where I used to be able to deal with it no problem for a few days, now it just hits me so hard. I just feel like napping a lot.

I went back to the GP today for my first check up since telling her and starting the anti depressants. It was ok really, the GD wasnt discussed much. She did ask if I had been thinking about it as much since starting the anti depressants and to be honest I dont think I have. I still think about it a lot but I dont think about it is as much as I used to. I took another depression test and compared it to one I took at my last appointment, and I have gone down from moderately depressed to mild. I didnt feel moderately depressed last time, I can tell you, but thats the result I was given! I have another appointment in a few weeks so we shall have to see how that goes. Im also now on the waiting list for a counsellor, but have to wait 7 months for an appointment which is a crazy amount of time but I dont really have a choice.

In other news, our kitten is one evil feline! He is now about 3 months old, and I am absolutely covered in scratches. Hands, arms, legs, feet, everywhere. And this morning it clawed my head while I was sleeping because my gf left the bedroom door open while she was getting ready for work, and I am left with a nice long scratch on my face. Thanks. Its nice and cute for about 5 minutes a day, the rest it just runs around and attacks everything. So annoying!

Demotiv-8

Ive just had 3 days off (back to work tomorrow, yay!) and have literally wasted my time. I wanted to dress up but just couldnt bring myself to do it. I was really looking forward to it too but the shaving, plucking and painting seemed like too much effort, and as much as I tried, mentally I just couldnt push myself through it.

So what have I got to show for my 3 days off? Nothing. I have literally done nothing but sit on the couch in my living room staring at the internet for 3 days. I havent done anything else, no hobbies, no gaming, no music making, nothing. Ive just sat here feeling miserable.

I know the anti depressants can take up to 2 weeks to take effect but I do hope that things get better than this.