So the last few days have been particularly difficult. The GD has been coming back with a vengeance, and in turn the low moods that come with it. I dont think the anti depressants have been working as well as they should do anymore. Ive just not been able to switch off, and have felt like crap because of it.
The morning walk to work has always been particularly difficult even since being on the happy pills, especially now since my walkman doesnt work anymore so I literally have no distraction on the 35 min walk. However when I get to work I can usually busy myself and then forget about it within about 10-15 mins. Yesterday though I couldnt shake it and its stuck with me pretty much since then. The slight feeling of wanting to cry all the time (one of the things which prompted me to go to my GP last time) has been there pretty consistently up until now, and ive also been miserable, depressed, demotivated and snappy. Ive had urges to hit things, urges to just stop walking, give up and drop to the floor, urges to shout out in frustration, and so on.
I hate this. Im in a rut and I need to be more proactive. The only way im going to figure this side of me out is by giving it more room. I havent done anything since Sparkle, I talk about going out more regularly and have done for ages, but actually havent got off my arse to do it. To figure out where the events are, when they are on, the logistics of getting there, and so on.
I need to set myself a deadline. By the end of next week im going to aim to have a plan in place. Some places to go, some people to meet, something to do, and how to go about it.
As a bystander who has been there and done that I wish I could help.
ReplyDeleteIts painful but only by giving this part of you the space to exist will you ever find a place where life is more comfortable. I can appreciate its hard but as you know there comes a time when standing still is actually harder than moving forward.
What you want is not wrong Aimee...... different maybe from the majority, but in no way wrong. You are just trying to be you - why would you stop this to become someone else?
Try to stick to your plan, I will be looking forward to hearing how you are and how it all went.
I sometimes read back my posts and think something like: "for gods sake stop whingeing", and this is one of those. I sometimes wish I had kept it more anonymous so this kind of thing couldnt be traced back to me... but anyway...
DeleteI agree with what your saying. I think ive been demotivated for too long with this. I really need to push it a little to try and get the GD demons out of my head. Sunday I will have some time free which I will use to prepare myself a little, and then Tuesday is my next day off and that day I am setting aside to dress up. After which im going to start looking at what is going on within easy reach of my local area and start putting some dates in the calender.
Thanks Becca! x
So sad to see someone having a tough time.
ReplyDeleteRemember tht you are an individual - you don't have to fit into any category. Be yourself.
Life's bitch and then you die, as they used to say. There's plenty of time for some good stuff in between though.
Hang in there!
Penny
Thank you Penny! :)
DeleteI think the problem is that I havent figured out a balance for my individuality. Ive talked about finding a T life balance for a long time, but for various reasons just havent been able to find it. Plus, the GD has slowly been creeping up on me, and im not sure what it is I want anymore. But, without pushing boundaries ill never find out.
I seem to be stuck in a vicious circle between my gender needs, the increasing effort needed to fit around this, and worries about my future.
There is much good stuff out there I am yet to experience, and as much as I havent made much effort to experience them, I will be soon. I cant keep going on like this.
Setting aside time for gender expression is always a good idea I think. Remember, it's you, not your circumstances, that have the final say over what you think about: refuse to dwell on thoughts that aren't helpful.
ReplyDeleteWishing you all the best, girl!
Thanks Ashley! x
DeleteYes I agree, and I havent set time aside for it since Sparkle. Various things have got in the way (real life, socialising, mood, etc) but enough is enough. I need to put a plan in place and start getting myself out there more. Hopefully, by the end of next week I will have that plan.
Refusing to dwell on unhelpful thoughts is easier said than done. I have tried for a long, long time but find it difficult to block things like that out. I do try though.
Yeah, that's true about it being easier said than done. I kind of realized that after I posted that comment. I guess I don't really know how to show I care about a situation without trying to fix it. :)
DeleteAw, nothing wrong with making suggestions about how to fix a situation at all, thank you for commenting in the first place. Im just not in a strong enough place mentally to push those thoughts away, as much as I try!
Deletex