I was meant to be going to Bristol tonight to Gloscats with a few people, this was going to be my first opportunity to go to a local-ish trans social group in an effort to try and expand my circle of friends. Ive spent all afternoon planning, sorting, packing, re-packing, pruning, grooming, shaving, plucking and more. But now im not going, and this time im doing it to myself.
There have been so many failed plans in the past but this time im going to be the one that lets everyone down. Since coming to terms with this side of me two years ago I have never backed out of a meet intentionally. As much as it was against my nature I always pushed myself out that door in an effort to force myself past any barriers I would normally put up in front of myself. Ive been to meet random people in their houses for the first time. Ive been dressed in front of my gf. Ive been clubbing. Ive even been outside in broad daylight in the middle of a city. Today though, I just cant do it.
I am so annoyed. So, so annoyed.
Ive spent a significant part of the afternoon looking in the mirror, trying but failing to soften my masculinity. Gradually as the afternoon has worn on ive just reached a point of giving up. There is hair everywhere and my arms and tops of my chest are raw from trying to shave it all off, but still the hair persists. Patches of long hair where the razors wouldnt catch them, patches of stubble beyond the razors reach but visible under the skin, and patches of redness and blood where my razor got too close. My face is covered in cuts and is raw from trying to get a close shave, yet even though my face feels relatively smooth around the spots of dried blood I can still see the little black spots of my beard under the skin, taunting me. And when it came to shaping my eyebrows I just thought what is the point.
Looking in the mirror and seeing this mess in front of me, still hairy from my chest down, patchy, blotchy and spotty on my arms and from the chest up, has just made me so annoyed. After spending hours trying to prune back the signs of an ageing male ive given up. If I was just dressing at home I would probably not see it as big as an issue, but im meant to be going out in public and I just feel like a mess. Am I aiming to high I really dont know, but I dont want to be seen as a 'bad tranny', I want to look the best I can and im just not feeling like im there, in fact I feel that im not even close.
I know this is covering old ground but im so angry about this I just need to vent again. I dont think my recent state of mind has helped things really either.