Fuck it.
I was meant to be going to Bristol tonight to Gloscats with a few people, this was going to be my first opportunity to go to a local-ish trans social group in an effort to try and expand my circle of friends. Ive spent all afternoon planning, sorting, packing, re-packing, pruning, grooming, shaving, plucking and more. But now im not going, and this time im doing it to myself.
There have been so many failed plans in the past but this time im going to be the one that lets everyone down. Since coming to terms with this side of me two years ago I have never backed out of a meet intentionally. As much as it was against my nature I always pushed myself out that door in an effort to force myself past any barriers I would normally put up in front of myself. Ive been to meet random people in their houses for the first time. Ive been dressed in front of my gf. Ive been clubbing. Ive even been outside in broad daylight in the middle of a city. Today though, I just cant do it.
I am so annoyed. So, so annoyed.
Ive spent a significant part of the afternoon looking in the mirror, trying but failing to soften my masculinity. Gradually as the afternoon has worn on ive just reached a point of giving up. There is hair everywhere and my arms and tops of my chest are raw from trying to shave it all off, but still the hair persists. Patches of long hair where the razors wouldnt catch them, patches of stubble beyond the razors reach but visible under the skin, and patches of redness and blood where my razor got too close. My face is covered in cuts and is raw from trying to get a close shave, yet even though my face feels relatively smooth around the spots of dried blood I can still see the little black spots of my beard under the skin, taunting me. And when it came to shaping my eyebrows I just thought what is the point.
Looking in the mirror and seeing this mess in front of me, still hairy from my chest down, patchy, blotchy and spotty on my arms and from the chest up, has just made me so annoyed. After spending hours trying to prune back the signs of an ageing male ive given up. If I was just dressing at home I would probably not see it as big as an issue, but im meant to be going out in public and I just feel like a mess. Am I aiming to high I really dont know, but I dont want to be seen as a 'bad tranny', I want to look the best I can and im just not feeling like im there, in fact I feel that im not even close.
I know this is covering old ground but im so angry about this I just need to vent again. I dont think my recent state of mind has helped things really either.
The thing that I've noticed, that I still notice, is that the person that I see in the mirror isn't necessarily the person that others see. Just because you notice the black spots of stubble it doesn't mean that everyone else will! You notice certain things because you expect to see them. Getting ready is as much a psychological battle as anything else. It's important to have realistic expectations though hun, it really is. Work with what you've got to create your own feminine image and if it works stick to that. Work to a routine when getting ready, a strict routine. As for the hair issue, I always used Hair removal cream. It's a lot less painful than shaving everywhere! I hope that this doesn't put you off future outings hun x x x
ReplyDeleteI know. I do try to have realistic expectations, and I like to think I normally do since I know im far from 'passable'. Ive let myself go over the past 3 months and trying to prune it all back just got to me I think. My recent state of mind hasnt helped in this regard.
DeleteYou are right, I need to get back into a routine again. At least get a minimum standard going so when it comes to dressing up it isnt as much work as usual. Dont worry it hasnt put me off future outing, far from it. Its just been a bit of a setback.
Thanks for the comment Em! :)
To echo what Em says, I think we're our own worse critics. We're (obviously) physically closer than anyone else is and even when we're pruned, padded, plucked and - bugger, run out of p words :-) - dressed appropriately (!!), I think we can look through all that in less than an eye blink.
ReplyDeleteYet..... others don't see what we do. They're not always ready or even able to make the connection between Bob vs Betty.
Dare I say, take it easy on yourself? It's not easy and sometimes starting early - in order to give the skin on your face and chest time to recover/relax may help. <3
I will try to take it easy on myself, thank you Lynn. I dont know what got into me to be honest, I was just so frustrated with it all in the end. After how comfortable I was with my self image at Sparkle, this really got to me.
DeleteStarting earlier is a good plan. I think I need to work on a maintenance routine to make the transition easier and give myself plenty of time to prepare on nights out.
Thanks Lynn! :)
Have you ever thought about using an epilator? Apparently it hurts like hell, but it takes two to four weeks for the hair to grow back afterward, so it doesn't need to be done very often. Just an idea.
ReplyDeleteHaha yes, I have tried an epilator, and I dare you to try it too! :)
DeleteWhat youve heard is right, it is absolute agony and especially difficult because you have to push yourself through a continuous pain barrier. Waxing was far, far easier.
Thanks for the idea though! :)
Okay, so I actually tried using one tonight. On my beard no less. HOLY FUCK. I'm pretty sure they were invented for extracting confessions from terrorists or something, and maybe afterwards they noticed they're good for hair removal too. :)
DeleteI might actually keep using it on my arms and legs, but I will never put that thing anywhere near my face again!
Aimee, I totally agree with what u are saying in how u feel and I also agree with the comments from Em, Lynn and Ashley. All are very sound points and we can be our own worst critics, I for one am the worst for it even when others tell me I look great and I know it sounds odd but then we adopt what every woman goes through, by having to be constantly re assured that we look great, but then will find the smallest fault to undo everything. I will say this Aimee, U are a pretty girl and I would imaging others will agree, you are an individual and don't try to look a certain way, this is not a contest, and from the pics you have posted, I don't see anything bad, just someone who is trying to be the real person :) Could I suggest something in the hair removal dept? Have you thought about trying out that little gadget advertised on TV called *NO NO* it's supposed to be really good. Just thought I would swing that Idea your way :) Shaving is a pain and although removal cream may do that same in regard to spots, atleast you wont have to put up with cuts :)
ReplyDeleteThanks for your kind words as always! :) Flattering camera angles help massively!
DeleteI do hear that No-No is a bit of a waste of money and doesnt work properly, particularly on male hairs. It would be nice if it did. I have recently considered using hair removal cream (as you and Em suggested) but last time it did not work too well, this may have been because I was trying to get rid of a lot of hair. Maybe if I trim back a bit first it might work better.
I hope your well! x