Im sorry for not replying to those of you who commented on my last post, its just been a bit of a manic week and I havent really been keeping up to date on here.
Last Wednesday I had my GP appointment and told her about the side effects id been having and she said I needed to come off what id been taking. The option was given to change medication to something else but with how crazy the side effects had been I said I wanted to try and come off the anti-depressants entirely for a little bit to try and clear my head, but if I start feeling really low again then I would consider something else. On Wednesday I dropped my dose down to 1 a day, and starting Wednesday I will drop it again to 1 every other day and just take it from there really. Since reducing the dose the dreams have still been as intense and crazy as ever, however the bouncing around in bed as I sleep thankfully seems to have calmed right down and all I do at the moment is still talk in my sleep. Im hoping this will also die down as time goes on.
On Friday I already started to feel the effects of the ADs reducing, and I cant say it is for the better. My general mood has been lower than it has recently, and while ive been able to put on a brave face inside has been a different story. I wont go so far as to say im feeling the depression again, but im feeling generally pretty indifferent to life at the moment, and the lump in my throat seems to come back from time to time too. The only exception to this was Saturday night.
On Saturday night I went out clubbing for the first time in probably a year or more, and I loved it. Sadly I went as a bloke but I was happy for the chance to blow off some steam. One of my favourite old school UK Hard Trance DJs was booked to play at a local night and me and my gf went out for a dance. We didnt bother trying to meet up with old friends or anything, we just turned up, had some drinks and danced like mad for hours. Its been a long time since ive heard music like that and even longer since I heard music like that on a club sound system, and it made me realise how much I miss clubbing. On the flip side of this though I also had the odd bout of dysphoria to get through too. There were too many trendy girls dressed the way I would want to dress to go out clubbing, and on occasion it really put me off although for the most part I just concentrated on the alcohol and music to relative success. That night made me realise that I think my 'raving years' were an effort to try and bury this side of me. For many, many years music, partying, and drugs were the centre of my life. They were the only things I concentrated on and while I had bouts of thoughts about wanting to be a girl, they were nowhere near as extended and severe as before or after.
On Sunday me and my gf went into town and did some shopping, went for food, and generally had a relaxing day. I bought some new clothes which are really nice, however when it came to trying them on today almost none of them fit right, it is so frustrating!!! I was going to dress up today (again) but got so annoyed it put me right off. Im fed up of this, I just wish my shoulders werent so bloody huge!
And finally, ive had an idea for a trans* website that as far as I can see hasnt been done before. Ive gone so far as to brainstorm a few ideas but am really not sure where to start on setting it up. Problems I will have are actually creating it, hosting it, spreading the word, monetizing it, and so on. Im not too fussed on making any kind of profit, but I think I will need to stump up some cash to initially buy the website template, and also to host it too so am more bothered about covering those costs really. If anyone has any insights or experience in doing this I would love some advice!