Im sorry for not replying to those of you who commented on my last post, its just been a bit of a manic week and I havent really been keeping up to date on here.
Last Wednesday I had my GP appointment and told her about the side effects id been having and she said I needed to come off what id been taking. The option was given to change medication to something else but with how crazy the side effects had been I said I wanted to try and come off the anti-depressants entirely for a little bit to try and clear my head, but if I start feeling really low again then I would consider something else. On Wednesday I dropped my dose down to 1 a day, and starting Wednesday I will drop it again to 1 every other day and just take it from there really. Since reducing the dose the dreams have still been as intense and crazy as ever, however the bouncing around in bed as I sleep thankfully seems to have calmed right down and all I do at the moment is still talk in my sleep. Im hoping this will also die down as time goes on.
On Friday I already started to feel the effects of the ADs reducing, and I cant say it is for the better. My general mood has been lower than it has recently, and while ive been able to put on a brave face inside has been a different story. I wont go so far as to say im feeling the depression again, but im feeling generally pretty indifferent to life at the moment, and the lump in my throat seems to come back from time to time too. The only exception to this was Saturday night.
On Saturday night I went out clubbing for the first time in probably a year or more, and I loved it. Sadly I went as a bloke but I was happy for the chance to blow off some steam. One of my favourite old school UK Hard Trance DJs was booked to play at a local night and me and my gf went out for a dance. We didnt bother trying to meet up with old friends or anything, we just turned up, had some drinks and danced like mad for hours. Its been a long time since ive heard music like that and even longer since I heard music like that on a club sound system, and it made me realise how much I miss clubbing. On the flip side of this though I also had the odd bout of dysphoria to get through too. There were too many trendy girls dressed the way I would want to dress to go out clubbing, and on occasion it really put me off although for the most part I just concentrated on the alcohol and music to relative success. That night made me realise that I think my 'raving years' were an effort to try and bury this side of me. For many, many years music, partying, and drugs were the centre of my life. They were the only things I concentrated on and while I had bouts of thoughts about wanting to be a girl, they were nowhere near as extended and severe as before or after.
On Sunday me and my gf went into town and did some shopping, went for food, and generally had a relaxing day. I bought some new clothes which are really nice, however when it came to trying them on today almost none of them fit right, it is so frustrating!!! I was going to dress up today (again) but got so annoyed it put me right off. Im fed up of this, I just wish my shoulders werent so bloody huge!
And finally, ive had an idea for a trans* website that as far as I can see hasnt been done before. Ive gone so far as to brainstorm a few ideas but am really not sure where to start on setting it up. Problems I will have are actually creating it, hosting it, spreading the word, monetizing it, and so on. Im not too fussed on making any kind of profit, but I think I will need to stump up some cash to initially buy the website template, and also to host it too so am more bothered about covering those costs really. If anyone has any insights or experience in doing this I would love some advice!
I think that all of us wish we could change things about our bodies but sadly wishing doesn't work, you just have to use what you have. There are ways and means of drawing attention away from broader shoulders that work - A line skirts for starters help balance things out somewhat. The honest answer is that just have to keep trying !
ReplyDeleteI really hope that you find a way to life your mood without the pills. Thinking of you Aimee.
I know I've got to dress for my body shape, it just gets irritating that all the nicest things I like just don't seem to work with what I've got. Grrrr!
DeleteThank you Becca, I'm just taking each day as it comes.
You know sometimes it happens that the clothes my partner likes look better on me ...... the honest reality is that ALL women face similar issues
ReplyDeleteYes, I am aware it is a problem that most women have due to the different cuts, shapes and styles available. But it seems that rather than there being some clothes that dont look right on me, almost all clothes dont seem to look right on me. Ive only really found a few things that really fit ok, and it gets frustrating.
DeleteNot fair! :)
Yeah seeing pretty girls all dressed up when I'm out as a guy is always really hard for me. :(
ReplyDeleteI hope you can find a balance between dealing with the depression and dealing with the side-effects that works for you, whatever that ends up being.
Thanks Ashley! :)
DeleteHave you thought about taking a sewing course? That way you could learn to tailor garments that you do like without having the frustration of having to take them back? Glad to hear that your GP was actually sensible and did what you asked, as some GP's will try anything to keep you on them. As far as raving days go, those were some of the most awesome days of my life and I can see what you're saying, Don't give up Aimee, there will be an answer, somewhere and sometime when you least expect it. Depression will never go away, I know that doesn't sound very positive, but from a person who had a meltdown, it's all about learning to let alot of what gets you down, breeze over your head. I used to suffer horrendous Migraine headaches and for a good number of years, I let them control my life, but one day, I decided to just try and ignore them, and it was the best move I ever did, because I felt no fear afterwards and infact, the migraines sort of eased off. So just try and stay positive and if getting out more to go clubbing blows off the stress, then do more of it!!! :)
ReplyDeleteAn interesting idea, I hadnt thought about it to be honest. Im not sure if I would be any good, my hands shake so I dont think I would be able to hold a needle steadily enough to do it.
DeleteWatching my dad go through depression for years while I grew up, im aware its the kind of thing that for most people it doesnt really go away, but has to be managed. Because it seems the depression is tied into the GD, I need to learn how to manage the GD in order to manage the depression. I know I need to try and let the thoughts just breeze past, in fact its similar advice I was given a long time ago but I just havnt figured out how to do the mental gymnastics required to do this.
I would love to go clubbing more, I just wish there was better nights on more often around these parts. South Wales is dry for decent nights.
:)
Just a thought - all that dancing was pretty good exercise and exercise is really helpful for depression. Maybe making the effort to get more exercise - running, walking, a vigorous dance class, whatever floats your boat - would contribute to lifting the depression.
ReplyDeleteYes, exercise is good for depression. I did start doing some towards the start of the year but it was difficult to keep up a routine around my shift work and I quickly fell out of habit. My gf goes to Pilates and keeps hounding me to go, and I am definitely considering it. Not only for the depression, but because my body is so stiff I could do with doing something that would make me more flexible.
DeleteThanks for the comment Penny, much appreciated! :)