Monday, 28 October 2013

Tailed Off

I was meant to go for my follow up appointment with my GP last Thursday but the surgery called up saying it had to be cancelled because she was ill. I wonder if its something she picked up from work? I bet GPs take a lot of sick days! :)

So anyway, im waiting for her to get better before making another appointment, I could make an appointment with a different doctor there but dont want to for a few reasons. I dont want to have to explain everything again to someone else there, but also out of all the doctors that I have met at that surgery over the years she is the one I am most comfortable with I think. Thinking about it, I also wouldnt want to run the risk of coming out to another GP there and having that turn out like one of the many horror stories ive read about with people getting laughed out, being effectively told to 'man up', and so on...

I still havent had a letter inviting me in for the counselling, I need to remember to ask about that when I go in for my next GP appointment, its been a while now. Plus, im curious if the counsellor is male or female, I need to make sure I ask about this too. Im not sure I would be as comfortable talking about it with a male as I would a female for some reason.

I started to feel like the anti depressants finally tailed off about a week or two ago, and I can totally notice the difference. My mood has a lot more movement than while I was on them. Also my general mood is definitely not as low as it was before starting them, nor is this whole TG thing as obsessive as it has been previously, but I still have my moments. This is something ive noticed over the years. Im not a total depressive all the time (as much as this blog may say otherwise) but it definitely comes in phases that can last quite a long time. And each phase can be lower or higher than the last, although recently they have been plumbing new depths. Is it hormonal? Seasonal? Is it something to do with my star sign? Who knows.

Today though has been a bit different. Ive actually been pretty good, ive been my socialable old silly self. I mean, when I have my low moments I usually dont show it (although I did have a wobble in work the other day and had a go at one of my team for something minor), im still chatty and I still smile a lot and have a joke, but im not silly. Theres just something about the way my head thinks that makes me behave differently, and I havent been this way for a long time.

I dont know, its difficult to put into words really. I wonder if it will last.


  1. My first counsellor was male and he was ok. Yes in hindsight I wish he had had more experience with gender variant people but his gender didn't make any difference.

    I am glad you find yourself in a better space, long may it continue

    1. I know the counsellors gender is irrelevant when it comes to experience dealing with issues like this, its difficult to describe but I just dont think I would be as comfortable 'coming clean' with a male rather than a female.

      If it is a male though then ive just got to deal with it, ill probably be fine when I get in there, who knows!

  2. Glad to read that things are looking up for you.

    As to the gender of your therapist, that's an interesting one. I think it's more about their personality and the therapy process IMO. The first therapist was a lady and while we could talk about feelings, rather than 'getting better' , I wonder if she honed in on the cross dressing as a root cause. On the flip side, the gentleman who took me through CBT, he was less personal / feeling orientated, but maybe that was the process, rather than him.

    Anyway, good luck with it when your chance arrives.

    L x

    1. Its probably just me being silly. Im not saying I wont be comfortable, but having never admitted this to a male before it might be a bit weird. Its probably nothing.

  3. Glad to hear you've been feeling better lately :)