Counselling

I finally got a letter from my GP yesterday inviting me in for counselling, which is on Wednesday morning. Considering how long its taken to get this far, im surprised the appointment is so soon. Im meant to be working on Wednesday but im sure work wont have a problem with me attending. Now the appointment has come up though I feel a bit unsure about going.

I dont feel anywhere near as depressed as I did when I was referred. That doesnt mean im completely 100% feeling good, im not. But im the kind of person who doesnt go the doctor unless im really, really bad. The NHS is stretched enough as it is and it can do without the people who go there who can make do.

I feel like I should prepare in some way. I feel like im going in for an interview or a test rather than counselling, and I dont know why. Ive been to counselling before so I know what to expect. Maybe its their expectation, im on file now as having Gender Dysphoria but I havent felt severely Dysphoric in a while. I still have my moments but nothing to the degree I felt last year. I dont want to go there and for them to think im wasting their time.

Making Up for Lost Time

As you may have gathered from the pics dotted around the post, ive finally got my act together and dressed up for the first time in ages. I decided to get the camera out as well so there were numerous costume changes as I tried on some outfits I wanted to wear on my next night out to see how they would look. I think the wine dress on the top left is my favourite, the cowl neck and floaty skirt is definitely a more flattering shape.

I decided to get my new camera out and try the tripod id bought for it, as well as take photos remotely via my iPad and it worked a treat.

I think the problem ive been having with the dressing is there has been no purpose. When im off work, I dont dress up just to sit around the house. A lot of the time I dont even get out of my pyjamas (I know, such a slob!) so going through all the hassle of shaving and putting on tons of makeup is far more of an effort that I would usually put in on a day off. I think I need to get myself some ladies slob-wear, maybe that would help.

Motivation

Starting tomorrow im going to do some exercise, the deadline has been set. Nothing heavy, just stretching to start off for the first week or two, then im going to start doing Yoga or Pilates. My body is all stiff and I need to stretch it out a bit. Ive been saying im going to do this for months but I admit I have just been too lazy to do it. I have really bad knees which I went to physio about last year, I was given some exercises to do but never got around to doing them. Lately my knees have been getting worse so I need to do something about it.

This has always been my problem though, I lack the motivation to help myself. Whether its my knees, my teeth, going out dressed up, going out at all, or socialising with friends, I just lack motivation. I have things I want or need to do, but when I get the time off all I do is stay at home and waste my time. I dont do things unless I really have to. This is something that needs to change but its a learned behaviour now, its a difficult thing to push past.

Grinding Me Down

The past week or two has been pretty tough, and today I have been noticing things and ways of thinking that I havent done since I was off work with my depression. Replaying recent social faux-pas and embarrasments in my head and getting wound up by them, cursing to myself, difficulty finding motivation to do anything, feeling pretty miserable, etc.

There are a number of factors at play here I think....

1 - Work is really irritating me. Strangely the work itself isnt the culprit this time, its the people I have to manage. Over the past year and a half as people have left and new people have joined, I just seem to have been left with a bunch of loud, immature drama queens, and its really getting to me. They arent all this bad, but about half of them are really beginning to stress me out for one reason or another. Managing kids (well, early twenties) is not fun. I feel like a teacher or even a babysitter sometimes and ive got more important things I could be doing.

2 - Its my grandads 80th birthday in April. He moved to Peterborough long before I can even remember, and in my 31 years alive ive only met him two or three times, the last time being probably about 15 years ago, if not more. In fact its been so long I cant even remember his name. My mum is planning on her, me, my brother and our partners to all go and visit as a surprise, and is being very insistent that I go. Im finding it really difficult to bring myself to attend. The social anxiety is back in force again and im ashamed to say im looking for any excuse not to go.

3 - Ive just been to the dentist today and they told me I have to have a wisdom tooth out, and the decay is so bad that it will have to be surgically removed. This will be the third tooth ive had to have pulled out (not including the two root canals ive had done as well), so this was marvelous news. And when I told my gf over the phone she laughed at me, I assume she was expecting me to be amused at the state of my teeth. Clearly, I wasnt. In fact, ive been pretty disheartened today. I had so many plans but instead spent it lying down on the couch doing as little as possible.

Ive documented a number of times on here about my dislike for what I was born with, and the continuing decay of it is not helping.

4 - Its nearly the end of the second month of the year and I still havent got my t-life in gear. March and April are looking like they will be busy months so I really need to do something! Ive got a weekend off this weekend and my gf is away, I think I need to do something special and treat myself in some way, or something....

So Many Clothes, Nothing to Wear

The Bristol trip was cancelled at the last minute, so I was going to spend today dressing up anyway, although that didnt quite go to plan.

Ive got so many clothes at the moment, even im beginning to think ive got too much! This isnt really a problem for me, what I have a problem with is trying to find outfits that actually work. As much as I like putting on a nice frock and heels, they are best saved for nights out (as infrequent as they are) so when im dressing at home I go for a casual look. I have so many tops, vest tops, cardi's, trousers and so on but whenever I dress at home I always end up dressing up in the same few outfits. Part of the problem with this is the hair, I only really shave my body hair (which includes my chest) for special occasions because of the reactions I get and it seems most casual tops and dresses seem to like to expose this a bit. I have so many cute casual items that just leave my chest fur showing.

Today I spent ages going through my clothes trying to find a new combination for a change and I have actually found one! The only problem is its taken me so long to just find something I like that I cant be bothered to dress up further. Im dressed up, clean shaved, and ive even put a headband with a cute little bow on it on my shaved head but I think this is as far as im going to get today. The house is a mess and I cant be bothered to add to it with my makeup too. Tidying all this away is going to take ages as it is.

Maybe next week, and ill probably take some new photos too with my new camera.

Shopping

I dont really help myself by continuing to add to my collection! I went shopping yesterday by myself in town, im definitely getting a bit braver on that front. I ordered some black patent heels and a patent clutch (for a future night out maybe?) online and got them delivered to a local store in the city centre, and then went shopping for some clothes as well. I came back with a nice wine coloured drapey dress from New Look which is really flattering and goes really well with black tights and the aforementioned heels and clutch. I also bought a top which im unsure whether to keep or not, its meant to be loose but I dont think I really have the bum for it and it looks too baggy to me. Im not going to take it back straight away, ill have a think about it. I know im never going to look perfect so im just trying to decide if it looks nice enough.

I also bought some trousers as well from Vero Moda which at the moment is one of my favourite clothes shops (along with Vila, Pieces and Only who I think are part of the same company) but I think im going to have to stop going in there for a while, I think theyve figured out that im going in for myself. Its only a small store and theres a girl who ive seen in there a few times now who always asks me if I want help and gives me a knowing smile, and on my most recent visit when one of the guys rang up my trousers he smiled and said "wearing this on the weekend?". I laughed, smiled back and said: "oh no, my secret identity has been discovered, dont tell the missus!". We had a laugh about it but I think I might stick to shopping on their website for a while.

Website

I havent forgotten or given up on the website idea, ive just been having a think about how I want to approach it. I get the feeling there isnt really a template that I can use that will do all that I want it to do as far as the main feature is concerned, and its beyond my expertise. I might have to buy a base template and then pay another developer to customise it. Its going to cost me a bit so im considering my options. In the mean time ive just about finished the logo, I havent used graphic design software in years. I used to dabble a little in Adobe Illustrator, and have basically been re-teaching myself on open source software called Inkspace. Its taken me a while but im slowly getting to grips with it. Ive left the text part of it out since I dont want it to give any clues about what the site will be, but this is the general design. The black part is meant to be blurred but it isnt exporting like that for some reason. Also I might change the outlines to black to make them stand out more. Ive got a couple of different variations on the logo and I keep adding more.