Wednesday, 19 February 2014

Grinding Me Down

The past week or two has been pretty tough, and today I have been noticing things and ways of thinking that I havent done since I was off work with my depression. Replaying recent social faux-pas and embarrasments in my head and getting wound up by them, cursing to myself, difficulty finding motivation to do anything, feeling pretty miserable, etc.

There are a number of factors at play here I think....

1 - Work is really irritating me. Strangely the work itself isnt the culprit this time, its the people I have to manage. Over the past year and a half as people have left and new people have joined, I just seem to have been left with a bunch of loud, immature drama queens, and its really getting to me. They arent all this bad, but about half of them are really beginning to stress me out for one reason or another. Managing kids (well, early twenties) is not fun. I feel like a teacher or even a babysitter sometimes and ive got more important things I could be doing.

2 - Its my grandads 80th birthday in April. He moved to Peterborough long before I can even remember, and in my 31 years alive ive only met him two or three times, the last time being probably about 15 years ago, if not more. In fact its been so long I cant even remember his name. My mum is planning on her, me, my brother and our partners to all go and visit as a surprise, and is being very insistent that I go. Im finding it really difficult to bring myself to attend. The social anxiety is back in force again and im ashamed to say im looking for any excuse not to go.

3 - Ive just been to the dentist today and they told me I have to have a wisdom tooth out, and the decay is so bad that it will have to be surgically removed. This will be the third tooth ive had to have pulled out (not including the two root canals ive had done as well), so this was marvelous news. And when I told my gf over the phone she laughed at me, I assume she was expecting me to be amused at the state of my teeth. Clearly, I wasnt. In fact, ive been pretty disheartened today. I had so many plans but instead spent it lying down on the couch doing as little as possible.

Ive documented a number of times on here about my dislike for what I was born with, and the continuing decay of it is not helping.

4 - Its nearly the end of the second month of the year and I still havent got my t-life in gear. March and April are looking like they will be busy months so I really need to do something! Ive got a weekend off this weekend and my gf is away, I think I need to do something special and treat myself in some way, or something....


  1. Sounds like things are stacking up a little, and while life is throwing you some curve balls, dare I say it could be worse? :-)

    I'm with you on the visiting thing. Do you have the emotional investment with your Granddad that your Mum does? I've had similar things from my Mum - although about very distant relatives, rather than immediate family. All that said, it might not be as bad as you think. Sure, a bit of a trek, but again, it's not like you're taking a flight right? :-)

    The T-life stuff can wait. Why rush? No, seriously, why the rush? If you're not in the mood, do something else until you are. Get out, walk about, go for a ride, go some place you've not been before and explore. It's all good compared to sitting at home <3

    1. I know, it could be far worse.

      This is the problem, I have no emotional investment with that side of the family at all. I can count the amount of times I have met them on one hand and it was so long ago I cant even remember their names. As much as he is my grandad, they may as well be distant relatives. If I did go, it would be for my mum rather than for him.

      As for the T life thing, its not that I am in a rush, its that I know I am so hard to get motivated to do anything. I get really frustrated at myself because I know what I am like. Im annoyed that I came out to my gf nearly two years ago now and I have only been out twice, and this wasnt the plan!