I finally got a letter from my GP yesterday inviting me in for counselling, which is on Wednesday morning. Considering how long its taken to get this far, im surprised the appointment is so soon. Im meant to be working on Wednesday but im sure work wont have a problem with me attending. Now the appointment has come up though I feel a bit unsure about going.I dont feel anywhere near as depressed as I did when I was referred. That doesnt mean im completely 100% feeling good, im not. But im the kind of person who doesnt go the doctor unless im really, really bad. The NHS is stretched enough as it is and it can do without the people who go there who can make do.
I feel like I should prepare in some way. I feel like im going in for an interview or a test rather than counselling, and I dont know why. Ive been to counselling before so I know what to expect. Maybe its their expectation, im on file now as having Gender Dysphoria but I havent felt severely Dysphoric in a while. I still have my moments but nothing to the degree I felt last year. I dont want to go there and for them to think im wasting their time. Making Up for Lost Time
As you may have gathered from the pics dotted around the post, ive finally got my act together and dressed up for the first time in ages. I decided to get the camera out as well so there were numerous costume changes as I tried on some outfits I wanted to wear on my next night out to see how they would look. I think the wine dress on the top left is my favourite, the cowl neck and floaty skirt is definitely a more flattering shape. I decided to get my new camera out and try the tripod id bought for it, as well as take photos remotely via my iPad and it worked a treat.
I think the problem ive been having with the dressing is there has been no purpose. When im off work, I dont dress up just to sit around the house. A lot of the time I dont even get out of my pyjamas (I know, such a slob!) so going through all the hassle of shaving and putting on tons of makeup is far more of an effort that I would usually put in on a day off. I think I need to get myself some ladies slob-wear, maybe that would help.Motivation
Starting tomorrow im going to do some exercise, the deadline has been set. Nothing heavy, just stretching to start off for the first week or two, then im going to start doing Yoga or Pilates. My body is all stiff and I need to stretch it out a bit. Ive been saying im going to do this for months but I admit I have just been too lazy to do it. I have really bad knees which I went to physio about last year, I was given some exercises to do but never got around to doing them. Lately my knees have been getting worse so I need to do something about it.
This has always been my problem though, I lack the motivation to help myself. Whether its my knees, my teeth, going out dressed up, going out at all, or socialising with friends, I just lack motivation. I have things I want or need to do, but when I get the time off all I do is stay at home and waste my time. I dont do things unless I really have to. This is something that needs to change but its a learned behaviour now, its a difficult thing to push past.
You have to sort your knees out. Otherwise, how are you going to cope with heels? If that's not motivation, I don't know what it ;-)
ReplyDeleteThe wine coloured dress is very nice and if I may say so, you look good in it. I think I get what you mean about not dressing up at home. Or perhaps, not feeling up to it if there's "no point". It is a lot of effort, but on occasion, I think it's worth doing it. Certainly not every day, but once in a while to try out a new look, or just to keep your hand in.
As to the counselling, my GP said that they [Notts] like to hold that back a little, until you're a lot...steadier. If that's the right word. It [Counselling] can be tricky and being less depressed when you approach it, might not be a bad thing. Good luck with it and I hope it goes well.
You know, I didnt think about the complications when it comes to heels... Thats a very good point! :)
DeleteThank you Lynn! It is a lot of effort to dress up when usually on my days off I try to avoid any effort at all, I do need to make time for it on a more regular basis though I think.
Thanks for the comments regarding the counselling. Im sure there was a method to the amount of time I had to wait, it was just the fact that I heard literally nothing from them in 6 months after handing the letter back in. I honestly thought they had forgotten. I still went anyway, the first meet was going to be so the counsellor could decide if I need it or not. In the end she said I do so im just going to see what happens I think.
I often go to therapy wondering why am I going. I rarely come out thinking that way. I use it for all sorts of reasons - formulating why I am thinking certain things, how to approach certain situations, how to discuss subjects at home .... the list goes on. Last week was how to talk to my mother and get her to engage more with this process I am on. I find it all so helpful I would really miss it. Good luck Aimee !
ReplyDeleteYou look great by the way
Thanks Becca! :)
DeleteWe went to counselling as a couple at Gender Matters, mostly because I wasn't coping at all with having a tv husband. I sometimes doubted whether we should be "wasting their time" before going along, but always came away having made valuable progress. Your counsellor will help you realise when you' no longer need them, go for it!
ReplyDeleteI decided to go for it anyway, I think I was always going to go anyway its just I was a bit doubtful over if I actually needed to go or not. But, the first meet was for the counsellor to determine if I needed it or not so I left that up to her! :)
DeleteThanks for the comment Penny!