Friday, 11 July 2014

3 Years Ago Today

3 years ago today my first ever batch of womens clothing and 'trans accessories' arrived in the post. My girlfriend was away with her parents for the week and I had finally given in to the thoughts that were constantly plaguing me about ignoring a massive part of who I am and the regret this could cause. When the package arrived I was so excited and spent ages in front of the mirror trying something on, then trying something else on, then trying the first thing back on and so on. I didnt make the best choices in clothing. I had to try and keep it cheap so the quality wasnt the best but it didnt matter at the time. They were mine and they enabled me to actually see this other side to my identity in front of my own eyes, and get that one step closer to my dream. I felt so happy.

I had arranged to meet another t-girl to dress up and chat with the following weekend. This was my first interaction with someone like me and I was nervous, and was very quiet. I had bought makeup but had never used it before, and used it for the first time while I was there. Im sure I looked like a clown and luckily, there are no photos! During our conversation she surprised me with a question, asking if or when I planned on telling my gf. Up to that point I hadnt really thought about it, but decided that I would give it one year and if after that year I decided I wasnt going to be able to stop dressing up then I would tell her. And well, we all know what happened there.

Throughout the upcoming year I dressed up every chance I got and also met another t-girl who let me dress at hers. It was all so liberating and I looked forward to each and every opportunity I could get. As the end of the year came up I realised I couldn't turn my back on this, and knew full well what I promised myself when this journey started.

When I did come out to my gf the following year I took a massive risk, one im glad I took. But I anticipated a payoff that was worthwhile, but over the years this hasnt come into fruition like I thought it would. I had big plans for what I wanted to do and where I wanted to go and to an extent I have ticked some quite major achievements off my trans-to-do list. But I still feel like im cut off from the world, that im not where I need to be, that I dont do this enough, and it bugs me. Hugely. Ive certainly hit a few milestones over the last few years but I have achieved so little in quantity.

So yeah, July is the month I have two birthdays. I turned 32 near the beginning of this month, but I didnt do anything to celebrate. We sat in, had takeaway pizza and watched the final Batman movie from the dark knight trilogy (which looks amazing on my new TV btw). Ive got no party planned or anything, with all the stuff thats been going on and the general mood I am in I just dont really feel like celebrating. As I mentioned previously today my female side is 3 years old and equally I dont feel like celebrating that either, I wish there was something I could do to celebrate it though but cant really come up with anything. July is also the month I went to a dressing service and saw my female side properly for the first time, the month I came out to my partner and also the month I went to Sparkle so its pretty busy for milestones. I feel like I should make a bit more of a deal out of it.

So May, June and so far through July has been pretty tough, lots going on and my mood has been up and down. I dont know if how im feeling at the moment is because of work, being trans, getting older, or just generally because of life. Sometimes I just really feel like hiding away, I have no enthusiasm or desire to do anything. But I am obviously aware of this and know I need to change some things.

Ill start off with work. My appeal went through in work and my outcome was deemed too harsh and downgraded to a first written warning, which I still think is unfair but this decision is final. This downgrade may seem like a good thing but I still think there is an agenda against me, and as they have rated this as gross misconduct which can lead to dismissal it does mean I could still be dismissed with one further offense. And the area is so vague it could literally be anything. Im no safer than I was on the final. I still feel like I cant go back and have extended my sick leave. I cant put into words how much I loathe the thought of working there any longer, and how low I get thinking about just walking through the door. The money is good, and that is the only reason ive stayed there for so long but I know I need to start looking elsewhere now. I dont really want to do this line of work any more but only have a handful of GCSEs to my name so dont exactly have a ton of opportunities available to me.

On the t side of things ive been trying so hard over the past few years to find middle ground that would keep the two sides of my life in balance, but I just cant find it. Part of the problem is the compromise I have to come to with my gf. There are things I would love to do physically but I have to maintain enough maleness to keep my gf happy. And as time passes the more my body changes so it becomes more masculine (hair! im growing it and losing it in the wrong places!!!), and the more out of reach this middle ground seems to be. Honestly, if I could be fairly androgynous in appearance to make being able to present acceptably as either gender easier/easy, I think I would be happy with that but the changes required to achieve this would be too much for my other half. I am at a total loss with this. Ive had plenty of good suggestions given to me but none are workable, so its just something im going to have to learn to accept I think. Socially, well I just need to try harder. Its difficult trying to synchronise calendars with people, and I find it really difficult to make new friends. I think I need to start looking at going on a few trips solo because trying to arrange things with others is a bit of a nightmare. Doing something monthly would be perfect for me, rather than once a year.

Im very conscious that to my regular readers I sound like a broken record at this point, all I have been doing on here lately is complain about things without actually doing anything about it. Ive said before that I dont want to be this person, that I want to be proactive and actually make changes to better myself as I have in the past, but finding motivation is difficult when I really just feel like giving up and work has not helped here at all. Ive been off work for 3 weeks now, and ive had plenty of opportunities to be productive but just havent. Now the appeal is out the way and I have a few more weeks off work (minimum) I need to make the most of it. Sort my career out, get my inner girl back, get organised and actually do something.

I will change. I have to.


  1. These things are never easy. I hope that you find the self belief and inner strength. Thinking of you x

  2. Sounds to me like you really need to start looking for a different job. All the money you're making now can't possibly be worth the misery it's causing you, right?

    Determine what changes you need to make and then make them! :)

    1. Well, there has been some developments on the job and I might be out of there soon. I really, really, really do hope so.

      I am trying to make changes! Ive always said when I started this journey I wouldnt be the person to sit and there and moan without actually making changes or moving forward, but here I am! This week will be different.

  3. I know exactly how you feel. I'm in the same place. Taking that first step seems not only hard, but you question whether it is worth it. Good luck in what you decide.