Has anyone noticed since I said I would stop posting anything negative that my posts have dried up? ;)
So my shifts have changed in work and I am now regularly finishing after 11pm at night. My route home from work involves cutting right across the city centre, down one of the busiest pedestrianised streets filled with non-mainstream bars. So two to three nights a week I have to fight crowds of people out having a good time while I am on my way home from work.
I get jealous, incredibly jealous. Not of the fact that they are out having a good time when ive been in work, to be honest its not really my 'scene'. But I get jealous of the ladies that are there. I get surrounded by them, everywhere I look theres no escaping the sights and sounds of women enjoying themselves all around me. All of them looking absolutely gorgeous, all of them looking the way I want to look and could never hope to achieve even when I am trying. Groups of them giggling with their friends in a way that I could never do as a man, or even as a part time girl. It makes me feel a little miserable, I get a horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach and a lump in my throat thinking that I will never live the life I want to live, that life. And im forced to go through this several times a week now.
Theres always an underlying current of this that I deal with almost continuously unless my mind is kept extremely busy, but going through this gauntlet every week is draining. Its so intense, and there is nothing I can do to stop or control it. I could change my route of course but every route home involves a similar amount of bars and people to pass unless I go massively out of my way.
In Other News
Ive started cursing myself again, ive been having off days emotionally too. All signs of the return to the downward spiral. Im very conscious of this fact and I do not want to go back there. Ive got two weeks off at the beginning of November, the first will hopefully be spent abroad. The second will maybe be me trying to get back into being me again. Its been too long but ive just been too busy with work and that that ive had no time to do things for myself lately. These late shifts are incredibly draining.
On the name side of things im down to two names I think. I may however keep which one I decide to myself and my friends, rather than publish it on here. I quite like the nom-de-plume ' a part time girl', and I may just sign myself off on here using that name from now on.
A part time girl x
I know how you feel about just how draining it is to see women dressed and acting like you want. It is hard and sometimes I wonder how we manage but we do. I do think it does not help when trying to drag yourself out of a depressed state though. Hang in there and enjoy the time off.
ReplyDeleteThanks Nicole. :)
Delete*hugs*
ReplyDeleteI sure know that feeling. Especially when I see a woman wearing the same style of clothes I would wear, it can be downright heartbreaking sometimes. Hang in there, girl.
I hope you enjoy your time off. And please, make sure to spend some of that time as your self. :)
Thanks Ashley, I do plan on having some 'me' time next week. Hopefully ill be in the mood to actually do it this time! :)
DeleteYou can wish all you want and beat yourself up with your fists, but - and apologies if this seems harsh - wishing won't change anything. There's no magic cure for who we are. <3 All you can do.... is do your best and be kind to yourself. If it's any help, I've heard fellow trans people say the same thing you just have - about never achieving - about other trans people. Jealousy gets us nowhere, except the dumps and like you, I've been there too. It sucks and it's cold and lonely.
ReplyDeleteStay strong, Lynn X
Ouch, some tough love there! :)
DeleteThe thing is, I already know all of this stuff you are saying and ive been getting by quite happily for a while now with no problems. Its just a small part of the walk home is so intense its just a little overwhelming I guess. Ill get over it. :)
I have felt, and still do feel, the same kind of emotions/anguish/frustrations. I keep myself incredibly busy. I exercise. I spend time with friends and family. I do everything I can to keep my mind off of "IT". For me, it has worked.....so far.....that plus the motivation that there is a lot I could lose if I don't try maintain status quo.
ReplyDelete