First off, I would like to wish everyone a Happy New Year. I hope 2014 went well for you all and I hope you have an amazing 2015.
So, I suppose I should wrap up how the year went. Im not going to bore you with the stats of the blog, instead im going to bore you with how it went for me. What went well, what didnt go so well, what I want to do differently next year... it sounds like im writing my monthly appraisal in work.
Another year has passed, they really do feel like they go quicker every year, and it feels like I am achieving less every year too. This year ive ticked quite a big thing from my trans-to-do list, but around that I dont feel like ive achieved much else.
This is the year I went through NHS counselling, which I had waited for so long for but didnt really feel like I got much out of it. I had waited for so long for the sessions I had already sorted through a number of the issues plaguing me by myself. I also went out in London, which was something that had been on my trans-to-do list for as long as ive been trans, and it was a bit of a let down in some ways. I was with some amazing people, but without the local knowledge the weekend didnt quite go as well as I would have liked. But, im glad I did. It was still an experience and it gave me a few things to reflect on.
But soon after the London trip I was pretty miserable, I just couldnt bring myself to express my female side and im still struggling a little now to really push myself through the massive effort and the dissapointment that can follow. Towards the end of the year I realised all this negativity was being counter productive and I needed to change my thinking and be positive about it, to accept my limitations and actually begin to enjoy expressing my feminine side again. I changed the name of the blog in order to fit with this new outlook, and have had reasonable success with this change in thinking. I still only dressed up once before the end of the year but I did enjoy it, and im not beating myself up mentally anywhere near as I have been in recent times.
But, im still not 100% happy, and im not sure ill ever be really. It still eats at me a little when I have quiet moments. I still have regrets. I still have needs that I feel are unfulfilled. And while im not completely happy with this, is it bad enough to warrant a move towards living full time and in turn losing my girlfriend? No, I dont think it is. So I just have to suck it up and get on with it, and be happy with what I have, and who I am.
So what now for the new year?
Im not going to do what I did last year and set a massive list of specific things that I knew in the back of my mind I was going to fail at. Instead, im going to set a few loose aims, some of which im already making progress with. This year I want to make new local friends, my confidence is not the best when it comes to meeting new people but this year I am putting myself out there because I need to socialise with people who are on my level. I want to get out more, whether it is meeting people at their homes for a girls night in, or going out somewhere LGBT friendly or more public, I dont care. And this year I want to work on my body image. I want to be able to look in the mirror and be completely happy with the person looking back at me, without compromise. Clothes, hair, makeup, overall style, the works. This is going to involve not only a different exercise and grooming regime, but also a change in thinking. I need to do it, I just feel like im wasting away and have nothing to show for my time. Its been a few years now since I started 'coming out' a little, and it feels like I have made so little ground.
Thats it I think. I hope you all have an amazing 2015! x
I think it's fantastic that you want to work on your body image. Yes, it will take a change of thinking. Maybe you didn't mean this literally, but my only concern would be the phrase "be completely happy with the person looking back at me". Are any of us really completely happy with our own reflection? I hear super models talk about the things they hate about themselves and that is the only thing they see in the mirror. I feel completely comfortable with my gender, but have never been with my reflection. I guess the only reason I even comment is not to try and discourage you from that goal, (it's awesome and absolutely what we should all strive for) but I've watched with complete frustration when my spouse was waiting for that feeling before putting herself "out there" more. What's helped her become more confident is actually putting herself out there before she was fully comfortable. Then she got encouragement from people other than me that it was okay to be herself. Now she's starting to like the reflection more. Confidence is more attractive than anything in my opinion. Here's to a wonderful New Year! :)
ReplyDeleteWhat I meant by that comment (I really need to stop blogging late at night) is for me to be in a place where I am happy with body image physically (clothes, makeup, fitness, etc), but also in how I see myself mentally. Lowering the bar a little and working with what I am, rather than being disillusioned and demotivated by it.
DeleteIm not going to wait until im more comfortable with myslef before I get out again, its not enough to put me off doing that, I think its just more mental hurdles to self happiness and acceptane than anything else.
I hope you had an amazing new year, thanks for commenting! x
Couldn't agree more with Mrs S's comments. Going out the first few times is tough because whatever you try, you may always see the male beneath - even if others don't see this. The challenge is going out and being you anyway. Yes you might get stares but after a time you just get on with it - and that in itself helps because people going about their day generally don't attract any attention.
ReplyDeleteI wish and hope that 2015 is good for you and if you ever do another London trip give me a shout. I guess I could almost be termed a local !
Well ive been out a few times now. And to be honest, the challenge more was how I viewed myself than dealing with how others viewed me. Yes there were comments, but they didnt affect me as how my unrealisitc hopes and expectations were getting to me. This is why working on my own body image is important.
DeleteI hope you have a good 2015 too, I havent heard from you in ages. I hope you are well! :) And yes, next time I am London way ill get in touch! x