When the gf is away, the girl comes out to play!

I can count on one hand the amount of times I have dressed up this year, but since my other half has gone to her parents and I treated myself the other night, I put the effort in and had a bit of a dress up today. I do love the top and the slippers are so comfy and warm as the fur goes all the way through the inside too!!!

Shopping

Last night after work I thought I would pop around some clothes shops to see if I could treat myself to something nice and girly this xmas. I was after some pyjamas mainly as I have no girly sleepwear at all but came home empty handed in that regard. I did however find a cute top in H&M and some (fake) fur slipper boots from Accessorize which were both in a sale. I would have been happy to buy more things but im really trying to be ruthless with what I buy. Ive bought a lot of clothes in the past which ive barely or never worn, and its a waste. Having a wardrobe full of stunning party dresses is great if you have parties to go to!

Ive been shopping in ladies shops before while dressed as a guy, and a lot of the time I just try and be confident and push through it, and on a few occasions even outing myself to the staff at a makeup counter. I didnt even need to one occasion but I was feeling brave! Sometimes though there is a niggling feeling or paranoia, and I get very self conscious of being the only guy in the shop, occasionally to the point where I have to turn around and leave.

Last night though I was absolutely fine, I had no issues walking around doing my thing, perhaps the cover of xmas helped. After a while of weaving through aisles of clothes I came to realise that other ladies in the shop were not paying any attention to me at all, they were just going about their business looking for something nice to wear. I also noticed I was not the only guy shopping solo in the ladies sections either, not only that but there were also groups of guys in there browsing and picking things out, presumably as presents for partners or family, but you never know! :)

Looking back I cant think of any time where ive been shopping where staff or other people have given me any impression that they knew who I was buying for (me!), apart from that one occasion last time I was in London where I was trying some ballet flats on and someone working there was watching what I was up to. But I was being pretty obvious then!

I guess the point of this post is to say not to worry too much if you decide to go shopping on your own. Guys buy clothes for the girls in their lives all the time, as long as you arent holding the dress up to yourself, im sure you will be fine. If you are worried, walk around with a list in your hand, have a pre-prepared excuse if you need to (xmas, birthday, etc), but other shoppers and staff wont bother you unless you give them an excuse to. And even if they do figure it out, does it really matter? The staff just want a sale, you might be the subject of their gossip for a bit but thats about it, and as for the other shoppers, who cares! If you are shopping locally though, obviously consider the chances of bumping into someone you know.

I usually shop online and its great if you are worried about being seen in ladies shops, but sometimes its nice to go out and actually see the clothes for real. I was in Topshop and saw a green one shoulder dress I had seen online which looked very pretty, but looked absolutely stunning seeing it for real. I wanted to buy it even though I would never be able to wear such a thing, and its on sale too. Damn it. I wish my hips were just a little bit bigger!

Makeup Lessons @ JECCA

Yesterday I finally got an appointment to see a local makeup artist Jessica at JECCA for some makeup lessons, and found the day incredibly useful. JECCA is specifically for trans people to go for makeup lessons, makeovers, and beauty treatments. Its not a 'dressing service' as such, but she is happy for people to take clothes with them and wigs, etc to see the full effect.

Jessica herself was really friendly, lovely to speak to, very patient with me even if I was rambling a bit (I tend to when a little nervous), and was just nice to be around. She operates JECCA from her family home, im not sure if this is normal a lot of the time but there was at least one other member off her family there, but we never crossed paths. As the changing room was separate to the makeover room, I wasnt sure what I would have said if id bumped into them dressed but with no wig or anything!

All the makeup ive been doing up to now has been based on what I was taught at Sophies about 4 or 5 years ago, which was great. Juliette who runs Sophies is fantastic and if you are around Bath its great to spend a day with her, but I hoped I would be able to pick up some new tips from Jessica as she is a properly trained makeup artist, who does weddings but can also do theatre makeup which is useful for those of us who have to cover things other girls dont. And I was right, this girl clearly knows her stuff.

I went for 2 makeup lessons which takes about 4 hours. I was given the option of how to spend this time, and I wanted to try and learn a daytime and evening look. She wanted to know if I had any looks in mind, maybe that id seen in photos or anything, but due to me not coming prepared and my lack of real makeup skill, we decided to keep the looks simple. We decided that she would apply the daytime look so I could watch and learn the basics, then with the evening we would do half and half.

As she went through, she was explaining the colours she was using and what brands, how much product to use, the brushes she was using and why, the technique and so on. She was also happy to listen to any questions I had as we went along, although it was a lot to take in. I was surprised that she does the eyes first, it was always one of the last things I did, but doing it that way makes sense as its easy to tidy up if you make mistakes. She also said that I dont really need to draw anything on my eyebrows as they are dark already, apart from maybe a little on the ends to define them a bit. I then learned a newer technique to cover my beard shadow which is a lot less heavy than the camouflage cream ive been using up to now (and I just bought a new tube!), how to use green colour correct to cover the red patches across my nose, and how much product to apply and what colours to use, as well as contouring which I had never done before. I also learned new ways to use blush, and do my eyebrows, eyeliner and eye shadow. I always found eye shadow difficult due to my hooded eyebrows, but she did a nice job!

I popped the wig on and then Jessica offered to take some photos of me. And, well, im not great at posing without seeing myself in the mirror, and I have only one or two specific angles of my face that work for me so the photos she tried to take were in my opinion not that great. Not because of her, but because im a terrible model. But, I was very happy with the look, it was very natural. In the end she left me for a few minutes while I took a load of selfies, I always feel awkward taking selfies, but its the only way I can see what my face is doing!

We then moved onto the evening makeup. Jessica touched up one half so it was more evening appropriate, then after taking off half my face, I was then faced with the task of reapplying it. The beard shadow was easy enough to cover, but I did find the eyes a little more difficult. I did botch the darker colour a little bit but with my hooded eyes it wasnt easy to see what I was doing. This is definitely something I need to practice. After this I took some more selfies while Jessica starting writing up some guides on what colours she used on each part of my face, along with a few tips and pointers. She was also happy to write up about what brushes she used that I didnt have that might be needed.

It turned out there was still an hour left, we had finished really early. So as earlier on we had talked about how I tried smokey eyes once and I felt I looked like id just been punched, she suggested for her to have a go and get one more look in before we finish. So once again I was back in the chair while she dabbed at my face, and at the end I was very impressed with how my eyes turned out. I dont think its a look im going to be able to replicate myself anytime soon, but maybe once ive mastered the other techniques I was taught, I might have to go back for a refresher on how to do them.

So after a few more selfies while Jessica was finishing writing up the things I would need from the first two looks, it was time to get changed and go. I had to make one last run across to the changing room without getting spotted (although I was assured that whoever was in the house would be staying out of the way) before packing my stuff. It seemed a shame and a waste after putting all that effort in to take it all off again. I wish I had somewhere to go after to put it to good use. Ah well, maybe another time.

So to summarise, if you are a Cardiff girl or in the vicinity, and you are looking for a makeover, makeup lessons or beauty treatments, I would definitely recommend making an appointment and popping in. I learned a lot while I was there, and I really enjoyed Jessicas company. I need an excuse to go again! Services on offer and prices are available on her website here: http://www.jecca.co/

APTG: A Failed Retrospective - 4 Years On

This blog was 4 years old on the 10th May. I tried to prepare some kind of retrospective looking over what ive been up to, what ive learned, and what ive been feeling over the past year and 4 years, but there was nothing to type about. I wish id have gotten up to more by now, but life just seems to be passing me by at the moment. Im aiming to change this soon, but ive been meaning to do that for a while. I guess my confidence just isnt there and its holding me back a bit with regards to getting out there a bit more.

So I thought I should say im still here, im doing ok, and I will be back soon when I have something worth typing about.

Labels - Am I Genderfluid?

Labels can be incredibly important when you are trying to find your place in the world, especially if you are different from the norm. When you find a label that fits how you think or feel, it can then help you find your tribe, others who think or feel the same way as you. It also makes conveying how you feel on the inside to other people easier, especially when its difficult to put into words. Some people dont think labels are helpful, that you should be happy expressing your individuality. I think that is certainly something to aim for, but its something that comes with age and experience. When you are still discovering yourself, I think finding others like you is incredibly important as it can help to normalise what you are thinking and feeling. It can also make trying to explain to others about what makes your gender tick a lot easier. If they dont get it, tell them to Google it. :)

Ive been using Trans* and Transgender to describe myself for quite some time, but feel that these are woefully inadequate as they are catch all, umbrella terms. However, going back a few years now, to my understanding if you were a part timer you could only really call yourself a Transvestite or a Crossdresser, both labels which mean different things to different people, both of which have never quite sat right with me and also come with the obvious baggage that id rather avoid. These days though, there is a lot more terminology used to describe various different states of being within the gender spectrum, in an effort to try and reflect the vast array of differences between how people feel about and need to express their gender identity.

So, where do I fit into all this? What new-fangled terminology has jumped out at me? I guess Genderfluid seems to be the one that I can relate to the most. Sometimes I can function fine as a man, grudgingly sure, but its not the end of the world. Other times, well, I think I just need to express my female side more. And when I cant I guess its that inability to be myself that gets me down. While there is always a minimally negative undertone to my life and attitude to it, how I feel about my gender is certainly not consistent (some would say, its fluid), and the highs and lows seem to come and go with peaks of varying heights.

So now ive got this label, does this automatically make me feel better about myself? No, not really. But now its easier to put into words what is going on in my crazy head, which can help me make a bit more sense out of it, I think. It also makes explaining what I am a bit more specific than the vague Trans* label ive used up to now. Plus, it definitely sounds better than Transvestite, and the Little Britain-esque image that conjures.

So yeah, I am Genderfluid.

Still Here, Getting Fat

Its been a while since my last post although that isnt strictly true. Ive made two posts in this time, in October and December, but took them down about half an hour after posting because they werent the happiest posts, and they went against what I promised myself id do when it comes to this blog.

So I havent really dressed up since my last minute trip to London back in September. This isnt for not wanting too, I really have. Im feeling quite desperate to at this point but just cant get motivated. I havent been particularly happy the last few months and im not sure what I can do about it.

Im feeling under a lot of pressure from real life things, ive been doing a lot of thinking about my life up to this point and its just made me feel bad. There are things I miss and things I missed... I miss the friends and life I had before I moved away from home. I feel guilty for a lot of things to do with my girlfriend over the years, things ive said and done. I feel like ive missed so many opportunities and experiences that are now gone. I could have done so much better with my life and done more of the things I wanted to do if I was more focused. But I wasnt. This stinks a bit of a mid life crisis. Ha.

Of course, my trans side plays into this too. Its not easy. I wish it were all about clothes and makeup and girly fun times. I wish I could just switch it off there and not worry about it until the next time I get to dress up. But, its not that simple. Of course it isnt. Everywhere I look im constantly reminded of the life I could have had if I was focused in my earlier years. I want to compromise on this, and theres a few things about my body that gets in the way of me being potentially happy or happier about myself, but I cant change them because of my girlfriend. This makes things very difficult for me.

Of course the resolution is obvious. Have yet another awkward conversation with my girlfriend, ive been putting it off for so long but I think I have to. I just cant stomach it right now.

Oh yeah, and im getting fat too! And its not like im rounding out either, that wouldnt be too bad. Instead my body is staying the same size but my belly now projects outwards. I actually have to have the button on my work trousers undone as its a bit too tight otherwise, so its just held up with the belt for now. Classy! It looks like my metabolism has finally started giving up so here I am trying a fad diet, the 5-2 diet. I started on 9 stone 9 pounds Saturday morning, I fasted that day and am fasting today. I have a tea in the morning and have nothing to eat till tea time when I just eat something small, apart from some fruit teas through the day. Its easier than I thought, its just like when I gave up smoking, a big part of the battle is fighting the routine when your body feels a certain way. Im going to have to look how I eat in work though before my next fast day on Saturday.

Im trying to look to the future, trying to stay positive. Ill hopefully be going on another trip to London in February sometime. At least theres a reason to push myself to have some me time again. Im really looking forward to it. Its a shame its taking 5 months since my last trip out to get back out there again.