So a lot has happened in the 10 days since I came out to my gf, it was initially a very difficult time for us but im glad that I seem to have such an understanding partner and im glad I took the steps to tell her, rather than the easy way out and leave her.
So the day after my last post my gf was in tears again first of all but I reassured her that im still me, but with this extra piece ive been hiding from her while I came to terms with it myself. After this we decided to go to the park since the sun was shining, we sat on a bench and just talked for hours about everything from why I do it through to clothes and makeup. It was good to get it out and since then she has been a lot more comfortable with the idea. She still thinks its weird but has been accepting enough to go shopping with me, and she even bought me a top. She also met my alter ego for the first time 2 days ago and didnt seem to be fazed by it at all. Im able to move my stuff out of the box its been hiding in and as soon as I can buy a few cabinets tomorrow ill be able to store my things properly for a change.
I met with her friend and we talked for hours about everything and she seemed absolutely fine and supportive with it. She came round again while my gf was here and we talked about it again as a group, even went so far as to talk about clothes and even go through some of my wardrobe.
My depression has all but dissapeared which is nice, I do worry a little that maybe shes not taking it as well as shes letting on in an effort to make me happy and this does get me down occasionally, but generally im feeling a lot better. I still have the occasional esteem issue but its a lot less of an issue than it has been. Im still going to see a therapist because while this is fresh I want to make sure that I know exactly what this is, I dont want to have a second realisation in 10-20 years that I should have transitioned or something and then hurt my gf for a second time. Id rather make sure now.
Hi Suzy, I have just read your blog and thought it was great. I am a partner of a m to f transexual called Lucy and I was wondering if you would like to have a look at her blog and also mine.
ReplyDeleteIf you want to have a nose here is the website of Lucy and my blog.
www.prettylucy.co.uk
http://thewritingsofmandy.blogspot.co.uk/
You are more than welcome to email Lucy or myself.
Looking forward to hearing from you.
Amanda.
Hi Amanda,
DeleteThank you very much for sharing those links, I have had a quick look at Amanda's site already and will have a look at your blog soon. One thing I am concerned about when it comes to my situation is that I might end up going down the path Lucy is going down now. It has been difficult enough getting my partner to accept me as a TV/CD, but then as time goes on and I settle more into it if I do end up deciding I am TS I dont know if I could hurt my partner again. This is something I want to write an entry about on here actually.
Suzy X
p.s. Ive also been to Sophies, I went for the first time mid July and loved it! Juliette is an amazing person!
Hi Suzy,
ReplyDeleteMandy passed me the link to this blog. I must admit there is some very fascinating and insightful reading here. You have put a lot of thought into your transgender feelings and even though they can depress you, you seem to be very aware of things.
Dealing with it is a lot harder and there is a fear of giving in to them. Having gone down my path, I have found it was much easier than I thought it was going to be. It is more than understandable to fear how your partner is going to be with many things but it seems you have a gem of a friend who is helping both of you get through this.
Slowly is the key, but it can be frustrating. One area to be cautious is the social scene. From others experiences, this is the area that will wreck your relationship if handled badly. I feel it is also extremely important to bring Suzy out of the house and meet others. If at all possible involve your partner every step of the way because if you start going out too much on your own, resentment will soon happen.
There are lots of other hurdles but if you can both explore this as a couple and more importantly, enjoy it, then you will come out the other end a far better couple than you were before.
If you wanted to talk then my email is on my website, http://www.prettylucy.co.uk and I can also pass on Mandy's if you wished to give it to your wife.
Hi Lucy, thank you for taking the time to comment. :)
DeleteI dont know, I think since coming out to my partner my depression has all but dissapeared. What I am more concerned about is I have read many accounts of where people have come out as TV/CD thinking that was it, and then 10 years down the line suddenly realised "actually im TS". At the moment im convinced im not, but who knows what feelings ive buried over the years. I know when I was younger the desire to be a female was very strong, I used to wish I could be female all the time and if I could live as a female I probably would.
To go into detail a little more, im not concerned about being a TS as such. If that is what I am then thats fine, ill do what it takes to make myself happy. What im concerned about is what I put my partner through. I know over the years I have asked a lot of her and she has been amazing, even up to asking her to accept the recent news of what I am which after 9 years together was a tall order. I know that being TS would be a step too far for her and I dont want to put her through the heartache knowing she has lost me. Not only that but if it takes 10 years for arguements sake to come to this conclusion, well be in our 40s by then, I wouldnt want her to waste her life on this doomed venture.
I have been seeing a therapist privately who deals with LGBTQ issues, but due to financial issues I had to stop going, im not sure when I will be able to go back either.
I do intend to socialise more and also let her get involved too, in fact she wants to get involved. Its not going to happen for a while though.