Do I intend to let this blog die? Erm, no.
But surely at this point it has served its purpose, im no longer a confused Crossdresser right? Well this is true, but I get the impression my Transgender journey is still going to go on for a very long time, and there will be bumps in the road.
While I have certainly accepted myself more over the past few months and also finally told my partner which has been a huge relief for me, there are still things I am unhappy with and want clarification about.
I read about other people who have gone through I have, told their partners who accepted them, and then 10 years or so down the line suddenly realised they are TS. I dont want to hurt my partner anymore than I have already. I feel bad in a way because she is probably only still with me because we have already been committed to each other for nearly 10 years at this point. If this happened to me we would be 40 by that point and I would be forcing her hand again.
In some ways I feel guilty because of this, I think about it from time to time and I probably do force her hand a lot. When I came out to her and we were still in the heat of the moment she said that I take a lot from her, and she didnt know how much more I could take from her. By this she refers to the fact I dont want kids, I dont want animals, and there are probably other things in there too culminating with the latest issue that im Trans.
Lets get the easy one out the way. I dont like having pets, they smell, youve got to walk them, feed them, look after them, and they are just a random element in the house that could do anything without prompting. My partner comes from a dog family, the whole family has dogs and they love them. I cant give in on this and my partner has had to reluctantly accept it.
As far as kids go, im not ready for the responsibility of having one, and I dont think ill ever be. I know she gets broody from time to time, ever since her best friend gave birth a few years ago, yesterday she learned her friend was having another and im sure it got her thinking about it again because she was feeling down but said she didnt know why. I just dont have the patience for kids, and I love having complete freedom to do what I want when I want. Not only that but we are not exactly set up financially either.
And then there is the whole Trans issue. I was going to see a therapist privately (6 month waiting list on the NHS!) until recently but had to stop because im running out of money. I really want to try and get to the bottom of it all because then itll at least be one thing I wont have to feel guilty about anymore. Itll be one less thing to force on my partner.
Hi Suzy,
ReplyDeleteIt's great to hear that you aren't giving up writing! Putting your thoughts into writing is very therapeutic and beneficial. It also gives you something you can go back to and read again in the future. I have two years of regular blogging on my website and living it all again sometimes is very entertaining.
So reading this, and the reply your wrote to me, it seems you are accepting of the fact you may live full time as a woman at some stage. You mention 10 years and to dispute that, I'll let you know there used to be a joke that said "what's the difference between a TS and a TV?" "about 2 years!"
So with that in mind, I'll let you know that when I came out to my partner, I never intended to definitely go full time and that if I did, I said it would be 5-15 years before I would. So just over 2 years on, here I am as a full time woman. Scarey eh?
There are two main emotions I am reading here. The first is guilt and we all know about that one. This is also one of the most important and hardest emotions to disassociate with our transgenderism. Once I had dumped the guilt, life was so much easier.
The other emotion is denial. OK, it's not technically an emotion but it is a state of mind brought about by other (often negative) emotions. It is also incredibly damaging. Again, I had to deal with the denial before I could progress. This is going to be hard to take because I can really feel you care deeply about your partner but you also need to think about yourself in all this. Denying who you are on the basis of protecting your partner is probably not going to help you and in the long term, her either. You have already said the depression is much better since coming out to her. Do you think this would come back if you had to repress things?
Please feel free to email me, lucy@prettylucy.co.uk I have tried to contact you personally but you have everything set to private. It may perhaps be worthwhile giving my partners email to your partners if you wished. Let me know if you did.
Love,
Lucy x