Ive been meaning to post something for a while now but just havent had time to sit down and do it. My partner knows I have a blog and why it is here, but I do not want her to see it so I have to post when she is not around. Since ive been back in work ive been working the same times as my partner so I have had no real alone time to dedicate to writing.
Over the past few months ive been feeling something new and im not sure what it is. Whenever ive seen other girls around and about ive always seen them with a mix of admiration, jealousy and envy and it has been this way for as long as I can remember with varying degrees of intensity. Now however something else is in the mix and im not sure how to process it. Im actually feeling physically sad. You know, slight lump in the throat, fluttery chest kind of sadness. At least, thats what I think it is. My thought process has also gone from just wishing I had what they had, through to that combined with really hating the fact that I dont have what they have, look how they look, are treated how they are treated.
I get this all of the bloody time and it isnt helped by the fact ive
gone from being sat at home most of the time to working with hundreds of
people in a city centre call centre again. Im surrounded by people all the
time and I cant help but people watch on the way into work or from my
desk or something, so this means I just spend a lot of my time out and about feeling pretty poor about myself. I compare myself against them, and dont like how I come out of that comparison.