Wednesday, 30 January 2013

Wasting Time

So we are near the end of January already, 2013 is slipping away so quickly. All the things I want to do and already one twelfth of the year has passed me by.

Work is such a time hog. By the time I finish there isnt enough time to do anything apart from to eat and get in a little down time before the next shift, and when I am off I just want to relax and try and forget about my previous shifts, and try not to worry about my next. I dont enjoy being there and I really need to get a new job, but I have debts to pay and there really is not much out there.

Due to the irregularity of my shift pattern im also finding it difficult to find the time and the motivation to socialise with friends from neither my male or female side, or to find time to start working through my new years resolutions in an effort to progress with this side of me. I need to figure out how to fit the routines into my day, and start giving myself some space to be me.

I have been feeling a bit better about myself this week or so, as usual as soon as I had decided I needed to go and see a GP my mood picked up and I didnt actually make that appointment. No doubt in a few weeks I will feel bad again, and as soon as I make the decision to go and see a GP ill perk back up again. It seems when I am on an 'up' I seem to forget about how low I feel when im 'down', its only when I read back the posts on here that I remember what my train of thought was like. I may just try and make an appointment next week anyway, it feels a bit wrong going there when I have nothing really wrong with me at that moment, but I dont want this to get to the point I was at last year.

I have realised that the thoughts I had that would trigger my GD have died down quite a lot over the last month or so. It used to be where I would be continuously running things through my head about where my life was going and where I wanted or needed it to go, usually triggered by seeing people living the life I want to live. Now it just seems that when I am on a low moment I cant really specify why. I just feel like im on an emotional edge for no apparent reason.

Im still in two minds about whether to mention this to the GP. I suppose I should but, I dont know. I kind of dont want to get that ball rolling. Something ive wanted almost my entire life is to be female, but this is at odds with my current circumstances. Im trying so hard to just find a balance that works and going through this could probably just make things worse for me.

Typing this is making me feel low again so I am going to stop for now.

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