Friday, 14 June 2013

Mental White Noise

Im finding it difficult to find time to sit down and write on here lately. I really wanted to do this the other day when it happened and was still fresh in my memory, but just havent had the chance.

I think about my trans side almost continuously when my brain is idle. Clothes, plans, ideas, things to try, picturing myself in the photos I have taken, and so on. Usually it is not a problem because when I need to actually think about stuff it just easily dissapears into the background, but I am not joking when I say that most of my waking thought is spent thinking about this side of me.

Now, I was in work on Monday and as the day progressed I was finding it more and more difficult to concentrate, to the point where I couldnt actually work anymore. I had to stop and go take a break off the floor to try and clear my head but even then it didnt really go away for most of the day. Its difficult to describe but it was like I wasnt thinking about anything specific but I knew the general theme was about my trans side. The closest I can come to describing it is like a mental white noise, for hours I couldnt focus at all. Not only that but a sensation accompanied it that I can only describe as being uncomfortable in my own skin from head to toe.  Ive thought and felt similar things before but never together and never this intense.

Since then over the past few days I have been feeling pretty low for no apparant reason and today I nearly didnt even go into work at all. It would have probably been a good idea to stay off because I was very short tempered, to the point I nearly lost it in work and again had to take a break before I took it out on someone.

What is going on with me this week?


  1. Hmmm. I am sorry you are feeling this way. what I have found is that pushing the boundaries, even a little way, has helped. It seemed to reduce the angst to a more manageable level. I really think that going out would help .....

    1. The aim since last year has been to push the boundaries a bit, give this side of me a bit more freedom and to get out more but I just havent had the opportunity and/or will to do so. I do think and I hope it will help with this, although the angst is not a regular occurrence. That was odd, and is not something I experience often.

      To be honest I felt so much better yesterday, and today I feel fine again. I have no idea where this came from to be honest. The continuous thoughts are there as always but that is normal (well, to me anyway).

    2. Its normal for many I am sure, certainly for me although mine these days is a roar and at times is all consuming. I do have strategies to cope and at times the main one is to withdraw and go home. Not always easy to be able to do but it helps.

      I am glad you are feeling better.

  2. Bad times, Aimee. I hope it clears up soon.

    For what it's worth, don't stay in if you decide not to go in. Go out into the countryside, or a park far away and take a long walk. Leave your watch / phone at home and just enjoy the outside. Sometimes, letting your brain have time off, isn't such a bad thing. When I had bad days a few years ago, I went fruit picking. It's the somewhat mindless repetition that helped keep me calm and quiet.

    1. Thanks Lynn, and it has already. Im feeling much better now.

      Seeing the outside world outside of work and home is a rare occurrence for me. You know, thats not a bad idea and is something to bear in mind next time im feeling low.