The title of this post is a line my GP said today during another of my follow up appointments. Its a line that stuck in my head because on reflection, I dont know who I am anymore. Maybe I never did. My heads been trying to make sense of this gender crap for so long now that ive lost sight of where I came from and where I need to go.
When asked if I wasnt with my partner where do I think I would be now, I gave the same answer that I gave my counsellor last year when she asked the same question: "id probably have started self-medding hormones a long time ago". This is an accurate answer, but after thinking about it afterwards, would I have been doing it for the right reasons? I really dont know. I found it difficult to have a proper conversation with my GP about it, mostly because it was too early in the morning for me and I just couldnt engage my brain to consider my responses and properly convey what I wanted to say.
I see myself as me. A male me. A man me. A hairy, sweaty, lazy, miserable, ageing, masculine me. This is who I am, but I hate it. Equally, I long to be female. I cant begin to describe how badly I want it some days. Every waking moment filled with thoughts of what life could be like, and filled with envy, jealousy, depression and frustration whenever I think about or see the fairer sex, or those that have transitioned to join them. Do I hate the male me because I feel like I should be a woman? I dont think so no. I think I hate it because it makes it more difficult for me to become my female self when I need to. All that bloody hair, horrible skin, veins sticking out, knobbly joints and sticky out bones. All the things that are tell tale signs of testosterone infestation are things that I hate about myself. But, these are all physical signs. I think like a man, I behave like a man, I talk like a man, and it seems that all of the mental aspects im ok with. If I could just stay as I am and swap bodies I would be happy.
I think time is a factor, its slipping away at an accelerated rate and as it passes more issues have to be considered, and in turn stressing me out more. Ive been with my partner for 10 years, she is approaching the point where she will want children, probably soon. I need to have this gender conflict resolved so it can either give her an opportunity for a clean break and a chance to find someone else before time runs out for her, or know that I will be in a stable enough position to be able to stay with her and have kids together, without worrying about succumbing to GD. In an ideal world I would love to stay with her regardless of what direction I go in but I already know that transitioning would mean the end of us.
Bottom line. I want to manage this, and this is what I told my GP. Drugs, counselling, CBT, whatever it takes. Transition is a last resort for when all else fails.
But just typing the above sentence is making me feel like im making a mistake, its making me feel sad. But I dont think I could deal with the social suicide of going full time. Im not under any illusion of being able to pass, I wont. The testosterone has done its damage over the years and it will be plainly obvious to all what I used to be. Being an outcast, always being seen as different by friends and family, this makes me feel sadder. It just seems ive got to decide between 2 pretty shitty outcomes, neither im going to be completely happy with.
I just dont have the time to figure this out, and this adds to the pressure.
Hi Aimee, that line your GP said "Be true to who you are" is a line that is fine if you know where you are heading, but those in cases like yours, is a saying that ends with one more question "But at what cost? because there are as you say, a lot of things to take into consideration, yes the thought of going full time is very attractive, but then comes all those possibilities of social and family out casting, for someone else who isn't in your shoes or head, it's easy for them to say that, but they aren't having to try and get their head around it. it is a decision that has to be done with a clear head.
ReplyDeleteI do personally think that starting a family is a prospect best avoided because the GD and the uncertainty of your relationship. I think most people reading your blog know exactly what your going through, and although your outcome won't be the same as theirs, it's always good info to take in and use as a guide to what are possible scenarios.
Stay Strong and hang in there, it may be a while to get to see the counsellor, but I am sure it will be worth it in the end :)
:)
I think weve been round the houses a few times with this now havent we? ;) If you keep checking into this blog youll have to get used to me rehashing the same old moods, thoughts, and insecurities time and time again... Anyway...
DeleteAs usual, you speak a lot of sense. Im well aware of the 'cons' of going full time which is why the bottom line is ive decided I want to try and manage the GD, transition is a last resort for if I cant go on with life anymore, and I am far from that.
The whole family thing, again, I agree with you. But, how long can I put it off for? Time is running out and this adds to the pressure of reaching some kind of resolution with this as soon as possible.
Thanks, I am trying to. Its so hard some days though. :)
I never 'hated' being a man, I just never felt comfortable being one. It wasn't right, wasn't who I was and the more that time progressed, the more I realised what I had to do. Looking back, I always knew what I had to do I just never thought it was the right thing for everyone else and that was completely the wrong attitude. We all have the right to be happy and comfortable in our own skin and unfortunately that can often be to the detriment of others. Seeing transition as 'the last resort' isn't that healthy an attitude in my experience. There is no cure, no amount of counselling, no amount of medication that will make you not yearn to be female if that is truly who you are. Transition in itself is a long process. From first referral at the GIC to surgery it was 3 years for me and that was fast! From what I hear, waiting lists are only getting longer. If you need to transition you will already know it, deep in your heart. It's just about figuring out how.
ReplyDeleteEmma x
Im aware theres 'no cure' but I honestly see transition as being somewhat of a last resort. Im aware the yearning is always going to be there, but I want to learn to live with it if I can, as others have learned to.
DeleteYou know, this blog only reflects snippets of my life, and generally what I post here is only really relevant to my T life. In turn, that means that it mainly seems to be filled with the issues im having with my GD, as this takes up a lot of my thoughts these days. However, what the blog doesnt reflect is the amount of time im happy just getting on with things. While the thoughts are always there a lot of the time I can live with them and just get on with life without any negative issues. This does not always work and it seems to ebb and flow, and lately the low mark is getting lower as time goes on.
As you say, if I need to transition I will already know it. Well, as much as my heart is confused it doesnt want to go down that path.
I hope you are well Em! :)
It's a very difficult call to make, and really, you are the only one who really knows what is right for you. <3
ReplyDeleteA friend of mine - also trans - started to transition around.... six years or so in coming out as trans and being happy with just cross-dressing. Clearly, she wanted to go further. On the opposite side, another trans friend, they've struggled with their gender identity, but have decided that being a cross-dresser is what they want.
I cannot offer you any short cuts or magic tests that will tell you what to do. Hell, it would be remiss of me to do so - it's your choice; not ours. :-) What I will say, is this: if you can, concentrate on getting over your depression. You may find that the dislike of your body and the pressure you feel under, is fueled by that. That's not to say your feelings aren't true - what you feel, is what you feel. What I'm saying is, be careful that it's really you making the choices and not your worries. <3
Hope that helps.
Lynn
x
As usual Lynn, you offer wise advice. :)
DeleteObviously the depression could be clouding things, this could be just some kind of mid-life crisis, although I dont know how with my total lack of aspirations. I had to consider the same problem last year, trying to seperate the gender related from the other issues going on in my life at the time (work).
Time is the issue. I need time to properly explore and resolve the internal conflicts, but I cant help that its time I just dont have when it comes to my partner and our life together.
If you are going to manage this Aimee then in my mind you are going to have to find anoutlet for Aimee. You can't just wall her up and expect that she will keep quiet. You might have to make some compromises along the way, you partner might have to so as well but Aimee is part you.
ReplyDeleteAvoiding transition can be done but you will have to give some ground here
Yep, totally agreed. I have no intention of walling her up, I love having my feminine moments and wouldnt give them up for the world, its just managing it the rest of the time when I have to be a man.
DeleteIm not giving Aimee enough of an outlet currently and im well aware this needs to change, but im trapped in the arse end of nowhere and this makes life difficult. I still havent come up with a decent plan as of yet, work makes things difficult but I am still looking around. Im considering some mid week day trips to somewhere out the way but would have to go solo. Im definitely considering it though.
I beest not quote arse end of nowhere back to my family ;)
DeleteDo you know that in the early days anywhere out can be fun. Almost everywhere is friendly and accommodating ......
Haha, best not. But it really does feel so far out the way sometimes that I cant help but feel trapped. Swansea is an hour away in one direction and to be honest id rather not go out dress up there, Bristol is an hour the other direction, and the rest is taken up by the valleys. Not much choice!
DeleteThis is what ive been thinking. Get a train to somewhere like Bath where I know I wont be seen by anyone I know, or Bristol at a push, book into a cheap hotel to use as a changing room, and then just spend some time seeing the sights, doing some shopping, and taking it easy. It would be nice to have someone to go with mind but im almost at the point of just doing it anyway.