Tuesday, 10 September 2013

Drama Queen?

Recently ive been thinking am I just being too dramatic? Am I making the GD out to be worse than it is? On my better days like now I read back what ive typed on this blog and it feels over the top somehow.

This blog only reflects snippets of my life that are mainly related to my gender identity and expression, but as they are all in one place it looks like the whole. A lot of the time im able to get on with my life, sure the GD is still there bubbling away underneath it all but it doesnt stop me functioning, it just alters the difficulty sometimes as the levels of frustration fluctuates by quite a large amount but usually over a long period of time. Again, a lot of the time I can shrug it to the side and just get on with things but when I do have my low moments they can be really low. This is when I tend to post, and as such, this is why my blog looks like im just in a state of misery all the time. But those big gaps between posts are generally because ive just been able to get on with things and live a relatively normal life. And considering it can be weeks between posts, thats a lot of normality.

Maybe the anti depressants are helping in this regard, well they must be, that is their job really.

I speak about transition a fair bit on here, particularly when I feel at my lowest and most confused. Ive wanted to be a woman for most of my life, almost as far back as I can remember. It frustrates me that im not and im pretty sure on my deathbed itll be something I regret massively. But, deep down I just know its not the path for me, as much as I want it to be. At the same time, its difficult to make an informed decision about where I want to go with this when ive had so little experience living as a female, and this is proving to be a difficult thing to resolve with real life getting in the way all the time. As much as I want answers now im coming to realise I just cant rush this.

In some ways im kind of regretting getting the GP involved now, but its too late for that. I still want the counselling in an effort to help me cope with it all, and going privately last year only got me so far.

I want to thank everyone that has commented recently and emailed me, the range of advice and opinions you give really do help, and it means a lot to me that your willing to take the time out to share them with me too.


  1. I guess that I see parts of myself in your words. Living life in a gender that doesn't always seem right can be very painful and whilst words don't do a massive amount I hope that you know that many care for you and hope that you can find a way to live your life in a happy and fulfilling way.

  2. ...am I just being too dramatic?

    Is you, Joan Collins, aye? :-) Sorry, I had visions of the Snickers advert, but please, don't think I'm making light of things. Well, okay, maybe a little. :-)

    Dramatic? Umm. It's a very difficult thing to call. If you're hurting, you're hurting and you probably want it to stop. You'll talk about your feelings and your worries, because that's what we do. We talk, we try and resolve. It's what humans are supposed to be good at: thinking.

    Where am I going with this? :-) Sometimes, I think (ha!) depression and GD are one hell of a mix. In dark times, I feel it can seem as if there are two whirlwinds spinning you around. One driving you down (depression), the other (GD) trying to fling you outside into the world - look! I am me! I am trans. Hear me roar! :-)

    Buuut, once the tablets kick in and you mellow out, I think you get to step back a bit and take stock of what is going on. Yes, things are not all rosey and yes, there's some type of journey you need to go on to Get Well (tm), but you will get there. Try not to worry what the final destination is, just keep plodding on until you are out of those deep, dark woods.

    I won't say Keep Calm etc, but I will say, look after yourself and don't be afraid to reach out to others for help. <3

    1. "Zip it Shrimpy!" :)

      I love your comments Lynn. Just the right mix of lightheartedness and sensible advice. Once again, you seem to be hitting the nail on the head.

      Yes the GD and depression is one hell of a mix, and the two seem to be inextricably linked. Ive been trying for so long to find some kind of balance which is enough to appease my male life and the GD in an effort to try and relieve both it and the depression but still havent got there, and the depression is partly to blame as it takes the drive away to do anything. Im really trying to push through this though.

      Its difficult not to worry about the final destination due to the fact that the later I leave things, the more difficult it becomes and the more hurt I cause. But, as I said all this seems to be doing is stressing me out and isnt actually getting me anywhere apart from down.

      Thanks Lynn! x