A Month of Freedom

Hey, I hope you're all doing OK lovelies. x

So for about the last month my partner had to go away. Can you guess what I got up to while she was gone? ;)

The last three weekends have been absolute bliss. I've been able to be me every weekend, as soon as I mustered the energy to prepare. I practiced make up and thanks to some tips I picked up from some free online makeup lessons I attended from The Pretty Fix, which I highly recommend by the way, I think I've nailed the technique for covering beard shadow (as well as possible anyway) and also smokey eyes too.

I was so happy with the way my makeup was looking. I've never felt this good about it. The 5 o'clock shadow is still an issue but I don't think there's much I can do about that, and I still need to practice getting eyeliner and lip liner straight, but I was so happy with everything else. I have sooo many photos! :)

I've definitely found some confidence now I know I can look at least a little bit presentable. I think I've fallen into the makeup trap...

I also bought some clip on earrings too. It sounds silly because of the amount of time I've been doing this, but I've never worn earrings before. I wanted to get my ears pierced earlier this year, but my partner shot this idea down. She wants this clear definition between male me and female me, which I understand. I suppose I'm quite binary in that respect too, I don't want to appear in the middle, I'm either all girl or all boy (at least in appearance).

When I looked at clip ons years ago, they all looked like they were too vintage for me (not my thing) or for kids. But these last few weeks, I was able to find some I'd be happy to wear (thank you Etsy!). They can be a little uncomfortable when in the wrong position, but when they sit right I was able to wear them for hours with no problems apart from one pair which still pinched a little, but was bearable.

I do wish I could wear normal earrings though, or that there was a larger selection of clip ons that look like they are for daytime wearing.

It feels a little selfish but in a way, I don't want my partner to come home. I love her to bits and I have missed her, but I do feel I have to hide a part of me away when shes around and it was so refreshing just not having to do that, and for so long too. I'm going to miss this so much.

Right, I need a day trip or night out somewhere. Any suggestions?

Anyway I hope you are safe and well. Take care.

Chloe x

Bicker

Hey lovelies

I hope you're all well and life isn't getting too difficult for you right now, wherever you are. It feels like it doesn't matter where you are in the world there is something awful going on, even in supposed democracies. 

War, rising fascism, government corruption, a corrupt and ineffective media, rights and public services being eroded, the cost of living, severe climate change effects... The UK and large parts of the world are in an awful place right now. And every day there's something new to get angry about too.

 Anyway, I want to talk about me for a bit, sorry. :)

I feel like since coming out of Covid lock-down, it's been quite difficult to get back into a routine of leaving the house and being social. I was pretty bad at this already but somehow I'm now even worse.

This is also making it difficult to get some 'me' time too, as we work from home and there's no privacy in our half completed house. Apart from a couple of exceptions, we've basically been around each other 24/7 for over two years and while we must get on really well to have gotten this far without too many arguments, to be honest it's getting to me a bit. 

I started typing this last week and I was going to write a bit about how tough it's been barely having any 'me' time, but due to a last minute change of plans I did actually get an afternoon and evening free yesterday to doll up and let 'me' out for a bit, and it was so nice. A little lonely maybe because once again I was home alone, but it was still nice.

I still find it so hard though, balancing my girl/boy lives. All day my mind is like a never ending swirl of what ifs and regrets and hating my body and hating me... I crave validation, I need to be seen and acknowledged and accepted, but the older I get the harder it becomes to see 'me' in the mirror. I don't think my age is helping, I'm dealing with other regrets about my half-lived life too that are not gender related, but this is still at the forefront of it all.

It just doesn't get any easier does it.

For this next bit, I'm going to avoid using the site name and specific terminology used, to try and keep this post a little under the radar.

I recently registered for a certain social media site which should have been called Bicker, and it's a very intense experience as a Trans person for many reasons. Maybe I haven't found the right people to follow but rather than a community of Trans people being able to share experiences, instead the vitriol and hatred from certain people and groups seems to be aggressive and constant.

I'm aware that what I see is not a true reflection of how Trans people are perceived generally, it's amplified and from a very small number of people, but I still can't help but be affected by what's happening. They claim to be an underdog fighting for women's rights, but they are happy for those same rights to be taken away in their fight to undermine us. They have so much money, power and influence, and somehow get away with playing the victim... and they seem to be getting away with it unchecked by completely ineffective journalists. The way this country is going, these people may be able to influence legislation against us in the future and that's a scary thought.

If I think back 10 years ago or even less, the UK wasn't like this and I just can't believe what's happening. It seems to be a horrible, awful time to be Trans or gender non-conforming. And I can't help but feel guilty that Trans people like me, who haven't transitioned but still feels a need to express her authentic feminine self, are being weaponised against those who have transitioned. 

I'm sorry.

I feel like I need to contribute to the fight in some way online or at a protest or something, but it's difficult without making myself a specific target and then there's a strong chance I could be doxxed.

There do seem to be people out there who take pleasure in seeking out and outing Trans people, and it's certainly made me think about what I share online. I always thought I was fairly cautious anyway, only posting photos on places that they are unlikely to be seen, but seeing how these people seem to be able doxx someone with so little info, it's really made me think again. 

This is why even though I took some photos yesterday, I won't be adding any to this post and at some point soon I will probably remove all the photos from my previous posts too. At the most, i'll probably stick to toon-filtered photos from now on, which is a real shame to be honest.

I wish I had more positive things to say but the world is a bleak, unsafe place right now. Please be careful and stay safe.

Chloe x
p.s. Oh I changed my name again. Last time this time, I promise. :)

9 Years Blogging - Back Again For One Weekend Only

Hello you! It's been ages, how have you been? I hope you've been keeping yourself safe and well during this ongoing pandemic?

It's been about 9 years since I started this blog. How time flies! I feel like I should do some kind of retrospective or something, but life has pretty much stood still for the last 15 months or so, so there isn't really anything to reflect on apart from the amount of time I've spent at home and all of the junk food I've eaten (big thanks to Just Eat and Deliveroo!).

My partner went to visit her family last bank holiday weekend and I decided I was long overdue having some 'me' time. I took the opportunity to be honest with myself, be true to who I am and come out... as a size 16 woman! Eek! Where did size 14 go?!? I just seemed to skip past that!

So I used my weight gain as an excuse to buy some new clothes. It was time to accept the fact that the last few stretchy dresses I owned that I could still fit into were becoming a bit of a squeeze.

I spent ages trying to find clothes that might work for my body shape and size, but that would also cover parts of my body that needed covering and also look age appropriate while still looking a little fashionable. I'm fast approaching my forties and can't really get away with clothes that have bits missing or oversized sleeves. 

In the end I settled on a haul from Oasis, which I still find dependable for feminine, flattering (or forgiving?) but still pretty fashionable clothes (to me anyway). Most of this had to be returned as usual, but I kept two of the dresses because I thought they worked really well for me. One can be dressed up or down and was perfect for what I had planned to do that weekend, while the other is just beautiful and I can't wait to wear it on a night out.

After hearing some good things about Jecca Blac's makeup range from a few people I also decided to give some of their products a try since my make up collection was getting old and needed replacing.

I picked up their complete base bundle with their Blur and Matte Primer, a colour corrector and concealer palette and their contouring palette. I also picked up a limited time bundle with their Hydrate Primer, a pink lipstick in the shade U.R.U and two of their Play Pots in Iridescent and Red Touch. They say you can use these on your cheeks, lips or eyelids. I wouldn't have normally picked up the second bundle as it didn't appeal to me entirely but it gave me a chance to try the lipstick and Play Pots for a vastly reduced price.

So what did I think of them? Well, I don't have a huge amount of experience with primers but they seemed to go on well. My only complaint is that while the tubes look a reasonable size for the money, they only contain 20 ml of product. One of the tubes actually felt like it was half filled with air, which was very disappointing especially given their cost. 

I also found that the colour corrector and concealer for the beard area left that part of my face looking slightly yellow even after applying foundation and it seemed to really struggle with my 5 o'clock shadow. This seemed to be even more noticeable when I dressed up for the second day in a row, as my closest shave did not seem to be as effective as it was on the first day.

Previously I was using an orange-ish concealer from Bobbi Brown to cover my beard area and that seemed to work better for me. Maybe I need to experiment more with the Jecca Blac products or how I'm applying my foundation (NARS full coverage) to try and get the best out of them, I could be doing something wrong.

The lipstick was nice. It went on a bit dry at first (maybe because it was brand new?) but then the texture turned creamy while still looking pretty matte and it felt nice to wear. When drinking it transferred a lot onto cups but the colour seemed to be very persistent on my lips. I wasn't sure if I was going to like the shade of pink but I do. I also used the red Play Pot as a blush and it went on really strongly, but used sparingly and blended out a bit, I actually really like how it looks, especially compared to the powder blush I've been using up to now.

So my first day was spent trying on my Oasis haul, messing around with makeup and experimenting with various ways to style my wig in an up-do, hating how old I look now (there's so many creases!), and just having a fairly relaxing day taking loads of photos in various outfits including my new dresses, that were almost all deleted because the angle was wrong or my face was showing too many wrinkles or my smile looked weird. There isn't a filter in the world that can save this face unless the camera and pose is just so.

I've been lucky enough to work from home since the first lockdown started which really suits my lazy nature. Since I knew I wouldn't need to be on camera my first day back as I didn't have any meetings booked in, I took the opportunity to spend a second day dressed up in one of my pretty new dresses and looking as nice as possible while working.

I wanted to do this for a few reasons. I wanted to get a feel for a morning routine that included makeup and to see how well my makeup lasts over a long period. But most of all, I just wanted to use it as an excuse to get dressed up nice for a full day because left to my own devices, I often put it off until quite late on. This means I only usually stay dressed up for few hours at a time.

However, I wish a full day did not start at 6am. I did not enjoy getting up at that time just to start getting ready. At all. Not even a little. I haven't had to get up that early in over a year and a half and I almost gave up as soon as my alarm went off, but I eventually managed to will myself out of bed.

Even though my face felt smooth to the touch after shaving, my beard shadow just seemed to be more visible than the day before, meaning that my base already had its work cut out for it. Annoyingly, it was already quite visible through my makeup part way through the morning and I'm not sure what I can do about that. I also started getting a shiny face about half way through the day. I need to look into what I can do to control that as well.

Apart from the makeup issues, I really enjoyed having an excuse to stay dressed up nice for a whole day. It was comfortable and made the day a bit more fun for me, and made my job slightly more bearable. Slightly.

If I get the chance to, I'll definitely do that again.

As soon as I've got my second jab and when life starts to return to even a semblance of normality, I definitely want to start reconnecting with people again. Whether it's for a coffee, to go to some Trans friendly thing, or on a day trip or night out... I've really got the urge to get out of this bubble. After 15 months of this pandemic I'm so bored!

I only hope my social anxiety can take it.

I Saw Myself Again

This weekend I did it. After several years or more of not having the time or the space or the privacy or the patience, energy, enthusiasm or the right mood, an opportunity presented itself and I was able to push myself through my hang ups about my body and appearance to take advantage of this. I saw myself again and it felt good. I felt good.

As far as she lets on, my partner is accepting of me to the point where recently and out of the blue she commented/reminded me that even though we've been working from home for the last 6 months or so and our house lacks any privacy, I could be myself at home and she would be OK with this. However over the last few years I've put on weight and my confidence has all but disappeared. I didn't want to run the risk of doing this then having a bit of a crisis with her around.

But this weekend she went away, so I had the house to myself. Perfect. I didn't have the entire weekend free to do as I wanted but I could make some preparations and then have all of Sunday to myself, so I decided I had to just get over myself and try to get come of my confidence back. Even a little bit would do.

I stumbled on the Friday. The old train of thought crept in. So I didn't start the arduous task of removing my body hair until Saturday evening instead and again, I almost gave up before I even started but I forced myself to get up and into that bathroom.

After a quick once over with my beard trimmer (my body hair one went missing), I slathered myself with Nair hair removal cream. I hadn't used Nair before and I wanted to see if it was more effective than previous attempts at de-fuzzing. 

It wasn't great. It left a fair amount of shortened hair and patches of longer hair all over the place. This could have been because of the trimming I'd done beforehand, but I didn't go over my body again in case I caused a reaction on my skin so I had to leave it as it was.

On the Sunday I once again had confidence problems and put off doing anything until about mid afternoon when I finally decided I'd have to at least finish removing the patchy hair on my body. I'd managed to find my body hair trimmer in the mean time so I used this before turning to my trusty Mach 5. 

I have to say, this is probably the smoothest I've ever been. I think using the Nair first had softened or damaged or got rid of enough of the hair so the trimmer followed by the razor made short work of what was left. This lifted my spirits, so I slipped on my satin robe and broke out the warpaint! It'd been several years since I last wore makeup though, so where to start?

I felt so pretty!

I'd remembered some things and turned to the internet for others. I had no idea if I was applying too much or too little foundation, or if I was using my brushes correctly. Due to my hooded eyes I had to apply eyeliner on the waterline and that tickled on the bottom eyelid, and I kept jabbing my eyeball at the top. My eye shadow was also awful but again due to the hooded eyes, I tried to keep it very simple and I have no idea if I used or blended enough. Basically, it was a bit of a disaster.

Due to the weight I've put on, I didn't even bother trying on most of my clothes since I knew they wouldn't fit anymore and just turned to a lovely dress from Oasis that's a flattering shape but also made from mesh, so it has plenty of stretch. It was still tight though. I had to pop my boobs out to get the zipper up, before slipping them back in. But I got it on, followed by some grey heeled ankle boots.

I quickly brushed my wig and slipped it on my head, then went straight to the mirror and there she was. I'd missed you/me!

Coming soon to a nail bar near you.

I was so happy with what I saw. My eyebrows were like caterpillars since I haven't been able to get them done since before lock down and my eye makeup wasn't the best, but it didn't matter. The rest of it was working enough that I just looked and felt right. The clothes looked cute and felt so nice to wear. I felt pretty. So, so pretty. Why can't I feel like this all the time?

I painted my nails and while waiting for them to dry I decided to turn on the PlayStation to pass the time. Pro tip: it turns out that a PlayStation controller is an excellent way to keep your fingers apart and busy while waiting for nail polish to dry!

After they'd dried and I'd taken in how I was feeling, the obligatory selfie session followed and after I'd ran out of poses and angles to take photos from, I remembered I'd bought a fan a while ago with a slogan on it that I thought was pretty funny. I'd love to go clubbing as myself one day. As in actual clubbing, not BNO or some overpriced cheesy club, but one that plays decent Dance Music. So I got changed into a dress I'd also bought with that in mind that was also stretchy but nowhere near as flattering, and took more photos in that too. Mainly because I wanted a photo of the fan.

Yes. Yes I am.

I was sad to take it all off and put it all away at the end. But I think it has given me some confidence back, made me feel a little (only a little) better about myself and also given me a bit of drive to actually work towards living as me again.

It's also made me realise how unfit I am. I'd like to (well, I think I have to) start doing some Pilates and proper exercise. I also want to work on my voice and my feminine mannerisms (although I have no idea where to start learning how to act feminine). And why are poses so hard to do? I might as well add that to the list as well. I want to start taking this all a little more seriously.

Finally I have to stop being cheap with buying clothes and jewellery. The Oasis dress was a one off but usually I buy cheap sale items which greatly reduces the amount of outfits that might fit or flatter my body shape. I think it's important to get a few nice things that work well for me. And maybe in the near future I'd want to get my ears pierced as well. I'm not sure what my partner would think about this and I'm sure at my age I'll get some ribbing about having a mid life crisis, but lets just see how it goes. I think I'm getting carried away here... Maybe this is a sign of how well it went?

The question is now then, will this persist? Will I be able to keep this momentum going and actually put things in place to make me a happier, better, more girly person? I have no idea, but I hope so. I really do.

It's Been A Long Time

Hello.

It's been a long time hasn't it. I thought I'd check in and let anyone interested know that I'm still here, still alive, and give an update on what's been going on with my life.

I hadn't realised until now that it's been nearly three years since I last checked in here. More importantly, I hadn't realised that it's also been longer than that since I've done anything meaningful with my trans-life.

So back when I started this blog as My Gender Catharsis, I basically used it as a sounding board to try and help me to make sense of the confusing and conflicting thoughts I was feeling towards my gender. As time went on and I started being 'myself' more and getting out and about a bit, I started to feel a bit more positive about my life (not totally, but a bit). I actually had experiences to write about and it seemed like I was going to be able to get out there more and more. I hoped that this would continue, but it didn't last.

Real life took over. It 's slapped me around and has kept me far too busy. And because of this, I had to put myself back into the closet and have felt trapped in here ever since. I also realised that anytime I tried to post something on here, that I was just re-covering old ground. It wasn't fun to write about, I'm sure it wasn't fun to read, and it was depressing me more reading it back. So in the end I just stopped.

So where am I now? I'm still employed, I'm a recent first time homeowner of an absolute project of a house (which was not all planned for), and I'm still producing music to varying degrees of success (I've had music signed but don't think it's going to go anywhere). I'm no longer the svelte young lady I used to be either and lack the self discipline to lose the weight again (stupid chocolate), and I'm still plagued by anxieties that are holding back my social and work life. But with time comes acceptance, so I'm told.

With regards to 'me', I haven't had the time or energy to be myself in all this time. The endless internal monologue continues to plague me, but I'm trying not to let it get to me with varying degrees of success. It has been better over the last few months and when I do eventually get some free space and time, I may even get myself a new outfit (since my old ones probably don't fit anymore) and try and have some 'me' time again. I have no idea how or when I'm going to fit it in but I don't want to bore you with the details.

Anyway, I hope you're all doing well and are staying safe in these unusual times. I'm sure I'll be back again when I have something worth sharing.

x

I'm Not Myself

I've been calling myself Genderfluid for just over a year now, at the time it seemed to describe the ever changing nature of how I felt about myself and my gender. However, i've recently come to the realisation that while how I feel about my gender changes on a regular basis, I don't think Genderfluid is the right way to describe it.

I've come to realise it's not necessarily that I feel more male some days and more female others, it's more like it's how much I don't like my current gender that changes from day to day. It's how bad I feel about myself that is 'fluid', and I don't really think that is what Genderfluid is meant to mean.

My internal monologue is always tuned to trans. As soon i'm not having to do anything or concentrate on anything, i'm thinking about the life I could be living if I was female. And even if I am busy doing something, it tries to muscle its way in and distract me as much as possible. As well as this I also can't get away from triggers that make me feel negatively about my gender, mainly women who are looking, behaving, doing things, living their lives in a way that I could picture myself if I was a woman. And these women are everywhere, there is no escape.

I don't see myself as a woman, don't feel like a woman, yet I aspire to be one. Being a male is also depressing, but this is how I see myself. 

Where does this leave me?

I thought I had reached a point where I was getting to be happy with being somewhere in the middle, but the way i've been feeling these last few months, that's clearly not the case.

Sigh.

I just don't know what to do with myself anymore.