So once again im spending my day sat in front of my laptop with a few TG social networks im registered to, my email and my Flickr account open in front of me. Ive got some music on really loud as well while im sat here. My gf has gone out for a few hours but I dare not dress in case she comes back, so im just sat here staring at the screen waiting for something to happen and im feeling down again. This seems to have turned into my routine now, im not being productive. Not looking for work, not making music, not even playing my console. Nothing. Just sat here waiting for someone in the outside world to send me a message or comment on one of my pics or something.
I had difficulty sleeping last night. When I created my last post I also made a slightly edited version of it and posted it on one of the TG social networks im part of and regretted doing so almost immediately. After getting into a misplaced argument about it last night where I got a bit defensive over something that I thought was aimed at said post I took it down. It wasnt because of the argument itself, I was clearly not comfortable with having that kind of personal information up for people I socialise with (albeit online but still) and could potentially meet in the future. Im not one to open up like that with people I know, thats why this blog is here. So because of my self esteem issues ive been worrying about what people on that site think of me now, whether im some sort of head case or something.
So ive been depressed again today and im trying to figure out why as there have been a couple of things that could be the reason. Number 1 is what I explained above. The second is I had a welfare meeting today with one of my line managers from work plus someone from HR about my continuing absence from work. I have been off for 2 months with work related stress, however ive recently come to the realisation it may not entirely by work related but work is certainly a contributor to my current state of mind. They come to my house on a monthly basis and chat to me and try to persuade me to go back and they do make a very good case, but to be honest I dont want to go back. That place stressed me to the point where I snapped, I was in a dark place before I left. I should have spent these 2 months looking for work but I have not been motivated to do so, ive fallen into this bloody routine!
Number 3 is my gf is really beginning to get on my nerves but I dont know if this is just down to me being down anyway or if im getting fed up of being in a relationship with her. Weve been together about 9 years and in that time we have rarely fought, we give each other a lot of leeway and freedom to do the things we want and it works very well. On the flip side im getting pissed off with having to live to her rules in the house. It sounds petty but her expectations with cleaning and stuff is really beginning to grate, or im getting fed up with having to take into account shes vegetarian when im not when it comes to eating and especially eating out. Or theres when she decides to speak to her family for an hour almost every night on the phone but she does it in the living room when im trying to watch telly, fuck off to another room! I think ive recently come to the realisation I might be happier just doing my own thing without worrying about this and that when the gf comes back or whatever, being around people 24/7 is irritating me.
So when I go and see my GP next week im going to ask to get referred to a therapist, im not going to bring up the tranny issues in case they try to refer me to a gender specialist. And to be honest after the last post I dont think that is the root cause of my issues.
Friday, 6 July 2012
Wednesday, 4 July 2012
Finding Myself
For once this isnt a post im going to type while in the depths of a depressive spell, so im hoping it will be a lot more coherent and useful. Over the past few days ive been trying to do some soul searching. I need to know who I am, what I am, what crossdressing/transvestism means to me, how far I want to take it, and what influences it will have on my life in the future. Im having great difficulty interpreting my feelings and am extremely indecisive at the best of times but I need to figure this out for my own sanity.
My wardrobe continues to expand. Over the past week I have bought a dress, 2 playsuits, 2 skirts, a pair of wedges and some jewellery. Not bad considering ive been off work for 2 months, although it has gone on my credit card! When I was trying on my new dress I had a massive smile on my face and actually couldnt stop myself commenting out loud how much I loved the outfit I was wearing. Clearly this is something which makes me very happy and thinking back to last year when I was trying not to dress but caved in, it is also something which is not going to go away.
Why do I do this? Escapism? Hormones? Theres a girl in my head somewhere? Am I just a freak?
I think back to when I was young and I was mercilessly bullied inside and outside of school. My small stature and surname which was easily twisted into something highly offensive meant I was an extremely easy target for bullies throughout my young life, this includes an incident where someone thought it would be funny to spray hydrochloric acid in my face. This eventually led to me leaving home in my early 20's and moving halfway across the country to get a fresh start. However all the insecurities, social awkwardness, destroyed confidence and low/no self esteem has haunted me ever since.
Over the last few years it has got worse. It seems when my brain wanders for 2 minutes while im walking around or doing a job around the house or whatever I find myself literally cursing myself out loud about some incident or faux pas I did with a friend or something, usually extremely minor and from many years ago. One example I did about 2 years ago was wipe my eye then with the same hand shake a friends hand as I was leaving his house. I really did not realise what i was doing until it was too late and I could see in his face he noticed what id done, its really minor and im sure hes forgotten but I cant get his look out of my head. If ive done something really bad or embarrassing the feeling is intensified greatly and it can take weeks to stop replaying it in my head. So several times a day (more if its recently and embarrasing) I stand there in the kitchen or wherever I find myself shouting my name and calling myself a fucking dickhead or something over something which just popped into my head, clearly thats not right. However when I dress up I 'usually' dont seem to do this at all.
So, back to the history lesson.
While I was in my mid teens I remember sitting in class one day in school and looking around at all the girls in the class and feeling jealous and envious of the fact that they seemed to be very happy. I started wondering how different my life would be if I was one of them instead of me, this slowly turned into wishing I could be one of them. Then one day I was reading a free paper that was left in the school library and there was a feature on a guy who did Tina Turner impersonations, and then at the back in the ads was an advert for a Transformation store (I wont name which one) that deals in TV/CD clothes and accessories. I was intrigued and in one day I learned about Transvestism and the possibility I could dress up and live like a girl.
So for the rest of my teens and beyond I then had these urges. Strong uncontrollable yearnings to dress up and try and live my fantasy. Im not proud of this but I would go through my mums stuff, my cousins stuff, my girlfriends stuff, and once a friends stuff when i was babysitting. The last one I was actually found out somehow but my friends swore to secrecy and it was never talked about again. I dont know what kept drawing me to it, the risk of getting caught? The excitement? As it was my teens it was also a highly narcissistic and sexualised activity. I couldnt control myself, and even when I wasnt doing it I was still wishing and fantasising about the possibilities and situations I could be in as a girl. Everytime I saw a girl I liked I would wonder what it would feel like to wear what she was wearing, or to do what she was doing. At this point I felt like I 'needed' to be girl, I couldnt get the idea out of my head and it went on for many, many years.
So in my very early 20's I moved across the country and this continued to be the case but I found even less opportunities to dress up. I met my current gf about 6 months after moving here and for a few months I had an outlet again. I came to realise that this wasnt fair on her and rather unsuccessfully tried to stop what I was doing. However I couldnt stop it in my head and the fantasies and yearnings continued and got stronger. After a year or so we got the internet and I had an outlet again, I found loads of fiction sites and regularly lost myself in the stories and fantasies people wrote online. This only lasted so long and soon enough I was dressing in my gfs stuff again. I tried my hardest not to and it was not a regular thing (as far as I can remember) but every now and again the urges would get too strong.
So about a year ago I decided id had enough. I needed to once and for all get it out of my system or make myself realise how much this actually means to me so I can do something about it. Behind my gfs back I shopped for loads of stuff online (breastforms, wig, clothes, etc) and hid them so I actually had my own clothes and style that reflected how I felt about myself, I started actually chatting to people online, went on meets and made some friends. I get a little frustrated that I cant go as far as I would like (I still want to shave my body). Truthfully when I started this I was hoping that I could get it out of my system once and for all and put it behind me but ive come to realise that this isnt the case, but emotionally this is a double edged sword. On the one hand I love it, it makes me feel good but on the other hand I wish I was normal. I really wish I was just a normal bloke who liked normal bloke activities like drinking and football, not makeup and shoes! Tie this in with the confidence and self esteem issues I have and I dont think this is helping.
Sometimes I can go weeks or longer without dressing be happy with that, but if I get a need to dress up and I cant, or if I start thinking about the situation I find myself in I can get depressed and feel very lonely. I dont know why, it doesnt seem rational to me and it can go on for a whole day. My gf tries to make me feel better but I cant tell her why I feel this way, not yet. Im currently off work with stress so ive been blaming it on that.
When I decided to do this properly I said to myself I was going to give it a year, which runs out end of July, and if I decided I couldnt let this go I would come clean to my gf or if I couldnt do that then split up with her. I dont want to live a lie with her its not fair. So im trying to decide how to put this into words but I cant figure out what my connection is to dressing. I read other peoples accounts of what makes them dress, how they feel or change, that there are 2 people in their head, or whatever and I dont feel like any of that, and this in turn makes me doubt myself. When I dress up I still feel like me, a switch doesnt go off in my head, my posture and movement doesnt suddenly become more graceful, I still feel like me but just a little happier I suppose. Im also concerned that after 10-15 years of hiding my true feelings that I might not be reading them right. I dont know if what I feel is linked to my dressing and what if I come out to everyone and then 6 month later decide its not what I want.
Im considering going to see a Therapist because I think all of what im feeling is linked together in some way and I dont know if I come clean to my gf that I will feel better about it.
My wardrobe continues to expand. Over the past week I have bought a dress, 2 playsuits, 2 skirts, a pair of wedges and some jewellery. Not bad considering ive been off work for 2 months, although it has gone on my credit card! When I was trying on my new dress I had a massive smile on my face and actually couldnt stop myself commenting out loud how much I loved the outfit I was wearing. Clearly this is something which makes me very happy and thinking back to last year when I was trying not to dress but caved in, it is also something which is not going to go away.
Why do I do this? Escapism? Hormones? Theres a girl in my head somewhere? Am I just a freak?
I think back to when I was young and I was mercilessly bullied inside and outside of school. My small stature and surname which was easily twisted into something highly offensive meant I was an extremely easy target for bullies throughout my young life, this includes an incident where someone thought it would be funny to spray hydrochloric acid in my face. This eventually led to me leaving home in my early 20's and moving halfway across the country to get a fresh start. However all the insecurities, social awkwardness, destroyed confidence and low/no self esteem has haunted me ever since.
Over the last few years it has got worse. It seems when my brain wanders for 2 minutes while im walking around or doing a job around the house or whatever I find myself literally cursing myself out loud about some incident or faux pas I did with a friend or something, usually extremely minor and from many years ago. One example I did about 2 years ago was wipe my eye then with the same hand shake a friends hand as I was leaving his house. I really did not realise what i was doing until it was too late and I could see in his face he noticed what id done, its really minor and im sure hes forgotten but I cant get his look out of my head. If ive done something really bad or embarrassing the feeling is intensified greatly and it can take weeks to stop replaying it in my head. So several times a day (more if its recently and embarrasing) I stand there in the kitchen or wherever I find myself shouting my name and calling myself a fucking dickhead or something over something which just popped into my head, clearly thats not right. However when I dress up I 'usually' dont seem to do this at all.
So, back to the history lesson.
While I was in my mid teens I remember sitting in class one day in school and looking around at all the girls in the class and feeling jealous and envious of the fact that they seemed to be very happy. I started wondering how different my life would be if I was one of them instead of me, this slowly turned into wishing I could be one of them. Then one day I was reading a free paper that was left in the school library and there was a feature on a guy who did Tina Turner impersonations, and then at the back in the ads was an advert for a Transformation store (I wont name which one) that deals in TV/CD clothes and accessories. I was intrigued and in one day I learned about Transvestism and the possibility I could dress up and live like a girl.
So for the rest of my teens and beyond I then had these urges. Strong uncontrollable yearnings to dress up and try and live my fantasy. Im not proud of this but I would go through my mums stuff, my cousins stuff, my girlfriends stuff, and once a friends stuff when i was babysitting. The last one I was actually found out somehow but my friends swore to secrecy and it was never talked about again. I dont know what kept drawing me to it, the risk of getting caught? The excitement? As it was my teens it was also a highly narcissistic and sexualised activity. I couldnt control myself, and even when I wasnt doing it I was still wishing and fantasising about the possibilities and situations I could be in as a girl. Everytime I saw a girl I liked I would wonder what it would feel like to wear what she was wearing, or to do what she was doing. At this point I felt like I 'needed' to be girl, I couldnt get the idea out of my head and it went on for many, many years.
So in my very early 20's I moved across the country and this continued to be the case but I found even less opportunities to dress up. I met my current gf about 6 months after moving here and for a few months I had an outlet again. I came to realise that this wasnt fair on her and rather unsuccessfully tried to stop what I was doing. However I couldnt stop it in my head and the fantasies and yearnings continued and got stronger. After a year or so we got the internet and I had an outlet again, I found loads of fiction sites and regularly lost myself in the stories and fantasies people wrote online. This only lasted so long and soon enough I was dressing in my gfs stuff again. I tried my hardest not to and it was not a regular thing (as far as I can remember) but every now and again the urges would get too strong.
So about a year ago I decided id had enough. I needed to once and for all get it out of my system or make myself realise how much this actually means to me so I can do something about it. Behind my gfs back I shopped for loads of stuff online (breastforms, wig, clothes, etc) and hid them so I actually had my own clothes and style that reflected how I felt about myself, I started actually chatting to people online, went on meets and made some friends. I get a little frustrated that I cant go as far as I would like (I still want to shave my body). Truthfully when I started this I was hoping that I could get it out of my system once and for all and put it behind me but ive come to realise that this isnt the case, but emotionally this is a double edged sword. On the one hand I love it, it makes me feel good but on the other hand I wish I was normal. I really wish I was just a normal bloke who liked normal bloke activities like drinking and football, not makeup and shoes! Tie this in with the confidence and self esteem issues I have and I dont think this is helping.
Sometimes I can go weeks or longer without dressing be happy with that, but if I get a need to dress up and I cant, or if I start thinking about the situation I find myself in I can get depressed and feel very lonely. I dont know why, it doesnt seem rational to me and it can go on for a whole day. My gf tries to make me feel better but I cant tell her why I feel this way, not yet. Im currently off work with stress so ive been blaming it on that.
When I decided to do this properly I said to myself I was going to give it a year, which runs out end of July, and if I decided I couldnt let this go I would come clean to my gf or if I couldnt do that then split up with her. I dont want to live a lie with her its not fair. So im trying to decide how to put this into words but I cant figure out what my connection is to dressing. I read other peoples accounts of what makes them dress, how they feel or change, that there are 2 people in their head, or whatever and I dont feel like any of that, and this in turn makes me doubt myself. When I dress up I still feel like me, a switch doesnt go off in my head, my posture and movement doesnt suddenly become more graceful, I still feel like me but just a little happier I suppose. Im also concerned that after 10-15 years of hiding my true feelings that I might not be reading them right. I dont know if what I feel is linked to my dressing and what if I come out to everyone and then 6 month later decide its not what I want.
Im considering going to see a Therapist because I think all of what im feeling is linked together in some way and I dont know if I come clean to my gf that I will feel better about it.
Tuesday, 26 June 2012
Im Drowning
Im feeling a bit down today, I want to talk about it but im finding difficult to describe it. Ive spent many years of my life hiding my feelings (not just about crossdressing but in general), and bottling things up and now I find it difficult to interpret the feelings I have. Ive been reading a blog by another tranny (read this, its good: lisa-johanna.blogspot.co.uk/) which is brilliant, the way she describes her journey seems to mirror a lot of what I feel and go through but she can certainly describe it more eloquently than I can. She has been out and about as her alter-ego and I want what she has. A friend to talk to, make her over, go out with her on trips, etc. Last night as I was reading it I thought to myself fuck it im going to tell my gf about my crossdressing and then as the night went on I analysed it and went through the usual motions of changing my mind.
When I went to sleep I had quite a long and intense dream and I dont dream often at all. I cant remember the details but I can remember my gf speaking to me early this morning saying when she was getting ready for work (I didnt actually wake up properly and get out of bed till midday) that I was breathing weird and I remember replying 'i was drowning'. Now if you believe that dreams have meaning then its not hard to figure out what that means.
Today I feel pretty depressed, low mood, lump in my throat like im going to cry but im not, no motivation. Im feeling really lost. Its difficult because I have no-one to talk to about it and I feel alone. Chatting online with people is great and it means I have an outlet to a point but its not enough. I need to get this off my chest and get out there and accept this part of me but as usual im a fucking coward. I hide my true feelings and just go with the flow, its all ive done my entire life. I cant ever see a time where ill actually go through with it and that leaves me with 2 options, a life of depression or a life without her. Considering I cant even get the guts to be honest with her about me, I cant see myself leaving her anytime soon.
My one CD friend I have who I meet up with regular is nice but we havent dressed up together in a long time because of commitments she has, but it is nice to catch up. Plus I dont feel like I can chat to her about stuff like this anyway because she is well and truly out there with everyone she knows so i dont think she knows what im going through.
When I went to sleep I had quite a long and intense dream and I dont dream often at all. I cant remember the details but I can remember my gf speaking to me early this morning saying when she was getting ready for work (I didnt actually wake up properly and get out of bed till midday) that I was breathing weird and I remember replying 'i was drowning'. Now if you believe that dreams have meaning then its not hard to figure out what that means.
Today I feel pretty depressed, low mood, lump in my throat like im going to cry but im not, no motivation. Im feeling really lost. Its difficult because I have no-one to talk to about it and I feel alone. Chatting online with people is great and it means I have an outlet to a point but its not enough. I need to get this off my chest and get out there and accept this part of me but as usual im a fucking coward. I hide my true feelings and just go with the flow, its all ive done my entire life. I cant ever see a time where ill actually go through with it and that leaves me with 2 options, a life of depression or a life without her. Considering I cant even get the guts to be honest with her about me, I cant see myself leaving her anytime soon.
My one CD friend I have who I meet up with regular is nice but we havent dressed up together in a long time because of commitments she has, but it is nice to catch up. Plus I dont feel like I can chat to her about stuff like this anyway because she is well and truly out there with everyone she knows so i dont think she knows what im going through.
Thursday, 17 May 2012
Confused
So I seem to be living up to the title of my blog at the moment. Ive been off work for 4 weeks now (2 weeks to go) and I am bored out of my skull, the only problem is I have no motivation to do anything. I cant even be bothered to do my hobby (which I enjoy immensely), get dressed up, or even something so easy as firing my console up and playing some games of which I have many.
I feel like my life is not going where I want it to go, but at the same time im not sure what direction im meant to be going in. I cant decide if it is my relationship, my dressing (which I want, maybe even need, to do more convincingly), my work (which I hate), a combination of the above or even something else. Its getting me down again and I feel a lot more depressed over the past few days than what I have been over the last week or so, but even when feeling a bit more up generally I have my moments.
I was on a trip to London with my gf for the weekend and I was definitely happier when I was there but even then my short temper was showing through from time to time. I just seem to be easily agitated.
I feel like my life is not going where I want it to go, but at the same time im not sure what direction im meant to be going in. I cant decide if it is my relationship, my dressing (which I want, maybe even need, to do more convincingly), my work (which I hate), a combination of the above or even something else. Its getting me down again and I feel a lot more depressed over the past few days than what I have been over the last week or so, but even when feeling a bit more up generally I have my moments.
I was on a trip to London with my gf for the weekend and I was definitely happier when I was there but even then my short temper was showing through from time to time. I just seem to be easily agitated.
Thursday, 10 May 2012
Stress
Well ive been having a tough time lately on an emotional level. Im currently off work with work related stress, and while that is certainly a massive part of the stress ive been feeling I cant help but admit that my crossdressing is also a part of it and my outlook on my life too. I cant admit this to anyone not even my girlfriend who doesnt know about this.
My self esteem is shot, I literally sit here cursing myself out loud all of the time, often in the earshot of others (accidentally) but I cant help it, its turned into a reflex or something. The smallest little mistake I make I cant help but replay again and again in my head for days cursing myself about it.
I hate who I am, not just the dressing side of things. Ive had a shit life up to this point, a life time of bullying, social awkwardness, embarrassment and recent realisation that im not and never will be a normal person. I wish I was sometimes. I wish I liked football, liked drinking, I wish I was confident enough with myself to not give a fuck what others think but im not.
I hate socialising, meeting people, and more to the point I hate what I am doing to my gf. I feel so bad that I limit what she does with her life. She doesnt mind, she sees it as a sacrifice you have to pay when in a relationship and I get that, I also make sacrifices. But I cant help but feel bad. She wants pets, im not a pet person, shes coming to the point where she will want a kid, I have no plans to have a child. I am an independent, some could argue selfish individual and I want to live responsibility free. I hate that I have to hide a stash of clothes and CD paraphernalia from her and live a lie to her. I was going to tell her at one point but my social life is bad enough without having that stigma attached as well. Im tempted to end our relationship just to make the whole thing easier on both of us.
Im at a loss what to do.
My self esteem is shot, I literally sit here cursing myself out loud all of the time, often in the earshot of others (accidentally) but I cant help it, its turned into a reflex or something. The smallest little mistake I make I cant help but replay again and again in my head for days cursing myself about it.
I hate who I am, not just the dressing side of things. Ive had a shit life up to this point, a life time of bullying, social awkwardness, embarrassment and recent realisation that im not and never will be a normal person. I wish I was sometimes. I wish I liked football, liked drinking, I wish I was confident enough with myself to not give a fuck what others think but im not.
I hate socialising, meeting people, and more to the point I hate what I am doing to my gf. I feel so bad that I limit what she does with her life. She doesnt mind, she sees it as a sacrifice you have to pay when in a relationship and I get that, I also make sacrifices. But I cant help but feel bad. She wants pets, im not a pet person, shes coming to the point where she will want a kid, I have no plans to have a child. I am an independent, some could argue selfish individual and I want to live responsibility free. I hate that I have to hide a stash of clothes and CD paraphernalia from her and live a lie to her. I was going to tell her at one point but my social life is bad enough without having that stigma attached as well. Im tempted to end our relationship just to make the whole thing easier on both of us.
Im at a loss what to do.
Monday, 29 August 2011
An Introduction
Hello and welcome to my blog. This first post is basically an introduction from myself, what I am hoping to gain and what you should expect from this blog. I am a 29 year old crossdresser based in the UK and I am currently in the closet, living with my girlfriend of 9 years who has no idea that Suzy exists. I have made friends with a couple of other crossdressers I have met online and have dressed up with one of them a few times as well so I know I am not completely alone.
Basically the purpose of this blog is to try and sort my head out when it comes to this side of my life. I found recently that writing out what I was feeling mentally was a great help so I thought I would start this and see how it goes. Im not even expecting people to follow or show interest in this blog, this is here solely to get whats in my head down to make it easier to process and some may not find it interesting. However if someone does end up reading this, feel free to leave a comment.
Basically the purpose of this blog is to try and sort my head out when it comes to this side of my life. I found recently that writing out what I was feeling mentally was a great help so I thought I would start this and see how it goes. Im not even expecting people to follow or show interest in this blog, this is here solely to get whats in my head down to make it easier to process and some may not find it interesting. However if someone does end up reading this, feel free to leave a comment.
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