Wednesday, 4 July 2012

Finding Myself

For once this isnt a post im going to type while in the depths of a depressive spell, so im hoping it will be a lot more coherent and useful. Over the past few days ive been trying to do some soul searching. I need to know who I am, what I am, what crossdressing/transvestism means to me, how far I want to take it, and what influences it will have on my life in the future. Im having great difficulty interpreting my feelings and am extremely indecisive at the best of times but I need to figure this out for my own sanity.

My wardrobe continues to expand. Over the past week I have bought a dress, 2 playsuits, 2 skirts, a pair of wedges and some jewellery. Not bad considering ive been off work for 2 months, although it has gone on my credit card! When I was trying on my new dress I had a massive smile on my face and actually couldnt stop myself commenting out loud how much I loved the outfit I was wearing. Clearly this is something which makes me very happy and thinking back to last year when I was trying not to dress but caved in, it is also something which is not going to go away.

Why do I do this? Escapism? Hormones? Theres a girl in my head somewhere? Am I just a freak?

I think back to when I was young and I was mercilessly bullied inside and outside of school. My small stature and surname which was easily twisted into something highly offensive meant I was an extremely easy target for bullies throughout my young life, this includes an incident where someone thought it would be funny to spray hydrochloric acid in my face. This eventually led to me leaving home in my early 20's and moving halfway across the country to get a fresh start. However all the insecurities, social awkwardness, destroyed confidence and low/no self esteem has haunted me ever since.

Over the last few years it has got worse. It seems when my brain wanders for 2 minutes while im walking around or doing a job around the house or whatever I find myself literally cursing myself out loud about some incident or faux pas I did with a friend or something, usually extremely minor and from many years ago. One example I did about 2 years ago was wipe my eye then with the same hand shake a friends hand as I was leaving his house. I really did not realise what i was doing until it was too late and I could see in his face he noticed what id done, its really minor and im sure hes forgotten but I cant get his look out of my head. If ive done something really bad or embarrassing the feeling is intensified greatly and it can take weeks to stop replaying it in my head. So several times a day (more if its recently and embarrasing) I stand there in the kitchen or wherever I find myself shouting my name and calling myself a fucking dickhead or something over something which just popped into my head, clearly thats not right. However when I dress up I 'usually' dont seem to do this at all.

So, back to the history lesson.

While I was in my mid teens I remember sitting in class one day in school and looking around at all the girls in the class and feeling jealous and envious of the fact that they seemed to be very happy. I started wondering how different my life would be if I was one of them instead of me, this slowly turned into wishing I could be one of them. Then one day I was reading a free paper that was left in the school library and there was a feature on a guy who did Tina Turner impersonations, and then at the back in the ads was an advert for a Transformation store (I wont name which one) that deals in TV/CD clothes and accessories. I was intrigued and in one day I learned about Transvestism and the possibility I could dress up and live like a girl.

So for the rest of my teens and beyond I then had these urges. Strong uncontrollable yearnings to dress up and try and live my fantasy. Im not proud of this but I would go through my mums stuff, my cousins stuff, my girlfriends stuff, and once a friends stuff when i was babysitting. The last one I was actually found out somehow but my friends swore to secrecy and it was never talked about again. I dont know what kept drawing me to it, the risk of getting caught? The excitement? As it was my teens it was also a highly narcissistic and sexualised activity. I couldnt control myself, and even when I wasnt doing it I was still wishing and fantasising about the possibilities and situations I could be in as a girl. Everytime I saw a girl I liked I would wonder what it would feel like to wear what she was wearing, or to do what she was doing. At this point I felt like I 'needed' to be girl, I couldnt get the idea out of my head and it went on for many, many years.

So in my very early 20's I moved across the country and this continued to be the case but I found even less opportunities to dress up. I met my current gf about 6 months after moving here and for a few months I had an outlet again. I came to realise that this wasnt fair on her and rather unsuccessfully tried to stop what I was doing. However I couldnt stop it in my head and the fantasies and yearnings continued and got stronger. After a year or so we got the internet and I had an outlet again, I found loads of fiction sites and regularly lost myself in the stories and fantasies people wrote online. This only lasted so long and soon enough I was dressing in my gfs stuff again. I tried my hardest not to and it was not a regular thing (as far as I can remember) but every now and again the urges would get too strong.

So about a year ago I decided id had enough. I needed to once and for all get it out of my system or make myself realise how much this actually means to me so I can do something about it. Behind my gfs back I shopped for loads of stuff online (breastforms, wig, clothes, etc) and hid them so I actually had my own clothes and style that reflected how I felt about myself, I started actually chatting to people online, went on meets and made some friends. I get a little frustrated that I cant go as far as I would like (I still want to shave my body). Truthfully when I started this I was hoping that I could get it out of my system once and for all and put it behind me but ive come to realise that this isnt the case, but emotionally this is a double edged sword. On the one hand I love it, it makes me feel good but on the other hand I wish I was normal. I really wish I was just a normal bloke who liked normal bloke activities like drinking and football, not makeup and shoes! Tie this in with the confidence and self esteem issues I have and I dont think this is helping.

Sometimes I can go weeks or longer without dressing be happy with that, but if I get a need to dress up and I cant, or if I start thinking about the situation I find myself in I can get depressed and feel very lonely. I dont know why, it doesnt seem rational to me and it can go on for a whole day. My gf tries to make me feel better but I cant tell her why I feel this way, not yet. Im currently off work with stress so ive been blaming it on that.

When I decided to do this properly I said to myself I was going to give it a year, which runs out end of July, and if I decided I couldnt let this go I would come clean to my gf or if I couldnt do that then split up with her. I dont want to live a lie with her its not fair. So im trying to decide how to put this into words but I cant figure out what my connection is to dressing. I read other peoples accounts of what makes them dress, how they feel or change, that there are 2 people in their head, or whatever and I dont feel like any of that, and this in turn makes me doubt myself. When I dress up I still feel like me, a switch doesnt go off in my head, my posture and movement doesnt suddenly become more graceful, I still feel like me but just a little happier I suppose. Im also concerned that after 10-15 years of hiding my true feelings that I might not be reading them right. I dont know if what I feel is linked to my dressing and what if I come out to everyone and then 6 month later decide its not what I want.

Im considering going to see a Therapist because I think all of what im feeling is linked together in some way and I dont know if I come clean to my gf that I will feel better about it.

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