So once again im spending my day sat in front of my laptop with a few TG social networks im registered to, my email and my Flickr account open in front of me. Ive got some music on really loud as well while im sat here. My gf has gone out for a few hours but I dare not dress in case she comes back, so im just sat here staring at the screen waiting for something to happen and im feeling down again. This seems to have turned into my routine now, im not being productive. Not looking for work, not making music, not even playing my console. Nothing. Just sat here waiting for someone in the outside world to send me a message or comment on one of my pics or something.
I had difficulty sleeping last night. When I created my last post I also made a slightly edited version of it and posted it on one of the TG social networks im part of and regretted doing so almost immediately. After getting into a misplaced argument about it last night where I got a bit defensive over something that I thought was aimed at said post I took it down. It wasnt because of the argument itself, I was clearly not comfortable with having that kind of personal information up for people I socialise with (albeit online but still) and could potentially meet in the future. Im not one to open up like that with people I know, thats why this blog is here. So because of my self esteem issues ive been worrying about what people on that site think of me now, whether im some sort of head case or something.
So ive been depressed again today and im trying to figure out why as there have been a couple of things that could be the reason. Number 1 is what I explained above. The second is I had a welfare meeting today with one of my line managers from work plus someone from HR about my continuing absence from work. I have been off for 2 months with work related stress, however ive recently come to the realisation it may not entirely by work related but work is certainly a contributor to my current state of mind. They come to my house on a monthly basis and chat to me and try to persuade me to go back and they do make a very good case, but to be honest I dont want to go back. That place stressed me to the point where I snapped, I was in a dark place before I left. I should have spent these 2 months looking for work but I have not been motivated to do so, ive fallen into this bloody routine!
Number 3 is my gf is really beginning to get on my nerves but I dont know if this is just down to me being down anyway or if im getting fed up of being in a relationship with her. Weve been together about 9 years and in that time we have rarely fought, we give each other a lot of leeway and freedom to do the things we want and it works very well. On the flip side im getting pissed off with having to live to her rules in the house. It sounds petty but her expectations with cleaning and stuff is really beginning to grate, or im getting fed up with having to take into account shes vegetarian when im not when it comes to eating and especially eating out. Or theres when she decides to speak to her family for an hour almost every night on the phone but she does it in the living room when im trying to watch telly, fuck off to another room! I think ive recently come to the realisation I might be happier just doing my own thing without worrying about this and that when the gf comes back or whatever, being around people 24/7 is irritating me.
So when I go and see my GP next week im going to ask to get referred to a therapist, im not going to bring up the tranny issues in case they try to refer me to a gender specialist. And to be honest after the last post I dont think that is the root cause of my issues.