The Best Laid Plans....

Well it looks like Bristol isnt happening. Our original group very quickly whittled down to just the two of us, and due to a few factors we decided it was best to postpone our night out.

On the one hand im a little dissapointed, ive spent a lot of time this week stressing, nearly not going, then persuading myself to go again. And today I went to get a hot shave in a barbers (which I shall talk about shortly), went shopping in town with my amazing girlfriend who helped me pick out some accessories and makeup, tweezed my eyebrows and also spent a good hour shaving myself too. It seems like a lot of effort gone to waste. On the other hand its probably a good thing because ive bought a load of new makeup and havent had a chance to test it yet. It could have all gone horribly wrong and I wouldnt have a chance to fix it. It does mean that tonight I will have plenty of time to test it now so I know if itll work for next time, which will make me a lot more confident.

So back to the barbers. I opted for a hot/wet shave with a pre-shave facial, which to be fair felt really good. When I sat in the chair the girl had a look at my face and said that it looks like ive got really sensitive skin because she could see irritation all over my neck from the last time I shaved, which considering I havent shaved since the previous weekend means it must have been quite bad. The facial was very nice but the shave was not so good, although I dont think I can blame the barbers themselves. The guy who shaved my face said that he got as close as he could but didnt want to go too close to the bone because he could see my face reacting. He asked if I wanted him to continue but I said that was ok for him to stop because at that point my face was pretty raw.

My girlfriend met me in town after my shave and she mentioned about how bad my neck looked after the shave, and after getting home and inspecting his handiwork while my face feels smoother the stubble was pretty noticeable, I think I can get a slightly better shave myself at home. Again, I dont think that is the barbers fault but I dont think I will be going to one again.

One thing that has come out of this though is that while we were walking back home my girlfriend said that she understands the discomfort I go through shaving my face, she had been thinking about it and decided that if I really wanted to get my beard lasered then I could. It was very unexpected and I love her so much for giving me permission to have it done, ive wanted to do it for a long time but she wasnt comfortable with the idea of me not having facial hair anymore. Ive told her for a long time how much my facial hair bothers me, and I think finally seeing the fact that not even professionals could do a good job has made her realise that it isnt fair on me to not have the option of doing it.

Plans For This Month

So it appears I might actually be going for a night out at the end of this month in nearby Bristol. Im not too sure of the exact plan at this point but I only have 2 days off work between now and then to plan and prepare, so I better get a move on!

I need to decide on an outfit, pick up accessories, a bag and maybe some new shoes. I need to finally get around to tidying up these eyebrows of mine. I need to practice eye shadow, eye liner and drawing in my brows too. We then need to figure out where we are going, how we are getting there, where we are getting ready, and how long we are staying for or maybe even if we are staying over. I also need to look at maybe getting my chest and arms waxed too, if not my whole body, and getting a cut-throat shave on the day. Im not going to be going to some T venue this time, im going to be out in a city centre on a Saturday night so I want to make sure I look decent.

The pressure is on!

MGC 1 Year On: A Retrospective

It has been a year since I started using this blog (I had set it up in August 2011 but did not used it for another 8 months), so I wanted to create a post reflecting on what has happened over the past year and my hopes for the coming year, and beyond.

So when I started this blog I was suffering severely with depression, and I had been off work for nearly a month. I was feeling low, demotivated, emotionally unbalanced, isolated, my self esteem was shot, I had a very short temper, I never left the house, and all I did was spend all my time working myself up in my head and making myself worse. Some months later my girlfriend even said she didnt know how much longer she would have been able to take it, it almost cost me my relationship with her. Work was a main factor in causing me to melt down, but my gender issues were also an underlying part of it too. I needed to express it more but felt trapped by my relationship.

I was off work and didnt even have the motivation to do any of my hobbies so I spent a considerable amount of time trawling the internet looking at trans blogs and sites, and in some ways this made me worse. I would read and see photos of people out and about, enjoying and living their lives as their female side and it would just make me jealous, so insanely jealous. This made me feel even more isolated.

July 2012 is when it all kicked off for me. In one month I started seeing a counsellor, I went to a dressing service so I could see me fully dressed for the first time (which I forgot to write a post about), and I also came out to my girlfriend which is one of the hardest things ive ever had to do. Telling her was something I planned to do 12 months previously when I first started properly exploring this, I said after a year if it wasnt something I would be able to stop, I would tell her. The pressure of knowing I would be telling her could also have possibly contributed towards my depression but it was a necessary thing to do.

After telling her it was like a weight was lifted from my shoulders, it felt like it was the final piece of my depression being taken away from me and I was happier and more relaxed than I had been for a long time, but this did not last. Over the coming weeks and months I started wanting more, I wanted to take things much further, permanently further. This made me feel low again and I became very confused, was I meant to be a girl? Was transition something I needed in my life? It took me nearly to the end of the year to start to realise that maybe that wasnt  the right choice for me. I cant begin to tell you how bad I want to be a woman sometimes, how bad it makes me feel that I am not and never will be one, but I dont think it is enough to need to transition.

In September I went on my first (and only so far) night out dressed as a woman, and as much as the club was not my kind of place, I really enjoyed being out like this. It is something I would love to repeat again, very soon hopefully! And this was pretty much the end of anything major happening in my trans life. When I had the odd opportunity that I could express it, I spent my female time at home gradually feeling more and more isolated, and continued to struggle with my body image while trying to get my dysphoria under control. This is still a work in progress.

So where does this leave me now? Well I dont feel like im depressed anymore but im still struggling with varying degrees of dysphoria. Sometimes im happy just getting on with my business as a man, no problem. Other times I feel off and hate who I am, wishing I was living as the other gender. I also feel as if my gender exploration has stalled, since September I feel like I have literally done nothing with this. When I came out I had big expectations and plans of things I wanted to do. I wanted to get out into the world and make up for lost time, and I havent done anything. This isnt helping either, and it can really get me down too. Im still trying to find a balance for both sides of me that works, but I am yet to find it.

I need to make the most of my 2013, and hopefully even this summer to try and get out there as much as I can. Day trips, nights out, social groups, anything... I need to get out there otherwise this is going to turn into the biggest regret of my life. I cant keep on like this. I just feel like my life is passing me by and I cant do anything about it.

I want to make this the year that I step out of my closet a little more. I want to see the real world through Aimee's eyes. I want to feel feminine (and dare I say it, sexy...) from the inside out, and I want to show the world my true colours. Summers coming and I want to experience it the way I have dreamed about for so many year, in a nice top, loose skirt, sandals and with my legs out.

New Wig

I finally managed to get a new wig and I am so happy with my purchase! I popped over to Contrast Wigs for a fitting and came back with a very long brown wig which not only has a parting (something my last wig didnt have) but its long enough that I can wear it up too!

I was very nervous when I got there, ive only ever met a few people to talk openly about this side of me, and I suppose non-trans people make this a little worse. Sue was very nice though and managed to put me at ease.

I was only meant to be there for up to an hour but I was so indecisive with the wigs she gave me, she ended up just leaving me to it with the final 4 for ages while I went backwards and forwards trying them on and retrying them again and again. I finally made my mind up and got the one in the picture. I forget what it is called though, but I think it is the Willow XL. And to top it off it is fairly reasonably priced too.

I wasnt able to do anything with my old wig because of the design of it (it was only a cheap one) but with this one I have options! Ok, the parting is still stuck in place but I can at least wear it with clips, hairbands, and even wear it up too! This is one thing I really wish I could do in real life and having a wig that lets me wear it up is just amazing, I love it. I think im going to have to look at earrings now, I never saw the point with my old wig because you couldnt see my ears anyway. Also the quality of this wig is so much better than my old one too. It is synthetic but the feel of the hair is so much softer than my old wig, and it feels a lot lighter too.

Thank you Sue at Contrast Wigs for my amazing new wig, I think I will definitely buy from there again in the future.

Increased Desire

After getting an opportunity to dress the other day I hoped it would have sated the nagging thoughts and frustrations ive been having for a while now, but it seemed to have had the opposite effect and actually made them stronger.

Im obsessed! To the point where ive actually been getting distracted in work! I cant switch off from it at all. Self analyzing, making plans, deciding where I am going with this, frustrations of my current situation, and picturing myself in different outfits and situations among other things, and then the envy and jealousy again as well.

And then ive actually been feeling uncomfortable in my own skin too which is something I havent felt in a while. Its a weird sensation to describe (mainly in my chest and upper body) but I dont ever remember it being this strong. Its usually when I am obsessing that I feel it.

Is it because its been so long that when I managed to dress up it just amplified the need because I fed it? God, it sound like an addiction doesnt it. I suppose in some ways it is a psychological addiction.

Finally, A Me Day!

I nearly didnt do it. Ive been in such a rut for ages I nearly didnt take the time I need to dress up but I pushed through it and I am so happy I did. I have missed this so much.

It was hard work pushing through it though. The pesky face hair was so disheartening again, I just keep missing the odd patch from time to time and it is so annoying when I only notice when it is poking through my concealer! Ive even gone so far as painted my nails as well, its only clear polish but I can feel the difference, and see it too. Ive also taken the opportunity to try on some new clothes too, including my first pair of trousers! I actually really like these, they are so light and are perfect for summer, plus I think they go with my ankle boots I cant usually wear because they look horrible with my bare legs! Ive also got a dress as well but it is a more going out type of dress which I hope I am going to be able to use at some point in the near future.

I have 3 days off in a row next week and ive decided im not going to waste them. Im going to use at least one of them to do things I have been putting off for so long. Im going to take a train journey over to Bristol and get a new wig from the highly regarded Contrast Wigs. I was going to order online but at the last minute decided it would be best to go over in person to try them on. I have briefly chatted to Sue online and she seems really nice so im looking forward to that next week. Im so fed up of my current wig right now, to be honest I hate it. I may also see about getting my eyebrows shaped too but I need to speak to my partner about that first before I do.

And finally, I want May to be the month I finally break out of my closet again and actually go out somewhere and do things. At the moment trying to book leave from work is a nightmare though, and then trying to find time my friends are also off work as well is complicating things as well. It might be that eventually ill just have to go and do my own thing because it has been too long since ive been able to go out and it is getting me down.