It has been a year since I started using this blog (I had set it up in August 2011 but did not used it for another 8 months), so I wanted to create a post reflecting on what has happened over the past year and my hopes for the coming year, and beyond.
So when I started this blog I was suffering severely with depression, and I had been off work for nearly a month. I was feeling low, demotivated, emotionally unbalanced, isolated, my self esteem was shot, I had a very short temper, I never left the house, and all I did was spend all my time working myself up in my head and making myself worse. Some months later my girlfriend even said she didnt know how much longer she would have been able to take it, it almost cost me my relationship with her. Work was a main factor in causing me to melt down, but my gender issues were also an underlying part of it too. I needed to express it more but felt trapped by my relationship.
I was off work and didnt even have the motivation to do any of my hobbies so I spent a considerable amount of time trawling the internet looking at trans blogs and sites, and in some ways this made me worse. I would read and see photos of people out and about, enjoying and living their lives as their female side and it would just make me jealous, so insanely jealous. This made me feel even more isolated.
July 2012 is when it all kicked off for me. In one month I started seeing a counsellor, I went to a dressing service so I could see me fully dressed for the first time (which I forgot to write a post about), and I also came out to my girlfriend which is one of the hardest things ive ever had to do. Telling her was something I planned to do 12 months previously when I first started properly exploring this, I said after a year if it wasnt something I would be able to stop, I would tell her. The pressure of knowing I would be telling her could also have possibly contributed towards my depression but it was a necessary thing to do.
After telling her it was like a weight was lifted from my shoulders, it felt like it was the final piece of my depression being taken away from me and I was happier and more relaxed than I had been for a long time, but this did not last. Over the coming weeks and months I started wanting more, I wanted to take things much further, permanently further. This made me feel low again and I became very confused, was I meant to be a girl? Was transition something I needed in my life? It took me nearly to the end of the year to start to realise that maybe that wasnt the right choice for me. I cant begin to tell you how bad I want to be a woman sometimes, how bad it makes me feel that I am not and never will be one, but I dont think it is enough to need to transition.
In September I went on my first (and only so far) night out dressed as a woman, and as much as the club was not my kind of place, I really enjoyed being out like this. It is something I would love to repeat again, very soon hopefully! And this was pretty much the end of anything major happening in my trans life. When I had the odd opportunity that I could express it, I spent my female time at home gradually feeling more and more isolated, and continued to struggle with my body image while trying to get my dysphoria under control. This is still a work in progress.
So where does this leave me now? Well I dont feel like im depressed anymore but im still struggling with varying degrees of dysphoria. Sometimes im happy just getting on with my business as a man, no problem. Other times I feel off and hate who I am, wishing I was living as the other gender. I also feel as if my gender exploration has stalled, since September I feel like I have literally done nothing with this. When I came out I had big expectations and plans of things I wanted to do. I wanted to get out into the world and make up for lost time, and I havent done anything. This isnt helping either, and it can really get me down too. Im still trying to find a balance for both sides of me that works, but I am yet to find it.
I need to make the most of my 2013, and hopefully even this summer to try and get out there as much as I can. Day trips, nights out, social groups, anything... I need to get out there otherwise this is going to turn into the biggest regret of my life. I cant keep on like this. I just feel like my life is passing me by and I cant do anything about it.
I want to make this the year that I step out of my closet a little more. I want to see the real world through Aimee's eyes. I want to feel feminine (and dare I say it, sexy...) from the inside out, and I want to show the world my true colours. Summers coming and I want to experience it the way I have dreamed about for so many year, in a nice top, loose skirt, sandals and with my legs out.