After getting an opportunity to dress the other day I hoped it would have sated the nagging thoughts and frustrations ive been having for a while now, but it seemed to have had the opposite effect and actually made them stronger.
Im obsessed! To the point where ive actually been getting distracted in work! I cant switch off from it at all. Self analyzing, making plans, deciding where I am going with this, frustrations of my current situation, and picturing myself in different outfits and situations among other things, and then the envy and jealousy again as well.
And then ive actually been feeling uncomfortable in my own skin too which is something I havent felt in a while. Its a weird sensation to describe (mainly in my chest and upper body) but I dont ever remember it being this strong. Its usually when I am obsessing that I feel it.
Is it because its been so long that when I managed to dress up it just amplified the need because I fed it? God, it sound like an addiction doesnt it. I suppose in some ways it is a psychological addiction.
I had to accept that the feelings I had went much more than a high around the clothes. The discomfort around the requirement to dress male day to day is always hard. The only way I find to mitigate the unhappiness is to blend the wardrobe. There is much that I now wear day to day is female, not always overtly so, but enough to make it easier for me ..... sock, under clothes, jumpers, vests ......
ReplyDeleteIt never used to be this way im sure. Sometimes dressing up does calm things down for a while, other times it just makes me need it more. I dont know if its because ive only fairly recently realised the dysphoria is there and what it feels like, that I now notice it more perhaps?
DeleteI find that because my male style and female style are so totally different that it is difficult to blend them together, even a little bit. I wouldnt want to start wearing womens underwear under my clothes because I dont want to start freaking out my partner who is worried this will become a full time thing, plus it never holds it all in anyway.... I am trying to rack my brain for other things I can do though, socks is a good idea, matte clear nail polish comes to mind too....