Wednesday, 24 July 2013

Low-Mo Update

The past few days in work has been a nightmare. I wake up ok, start feeeling crappy on the way into work, and then this continues for most of the day. I cant concentrate, im procrastinating like mad, im just spending my days sat there staring into space when I should be working. When I do try and work I cant keep it up for long before I have to take a break and hide in the loo for 5 mins while I get my act together. Just to make things worse yesterday at two seperate times through the day I had two members of my team in absolute tears due to personal issues at home, which obviously cant be helped but really was the last thing I needed yesterday. I wasnt in the mood to be empathetic, or patient. Im a manager not a bloody counsellor, and ive got my own stuff to work through at the moment.

Conversation easily distracts, so when I get home it usually does calm down a little. But when I am in work and at a time where I cant really talk to my team, my mind wanders and I start feeling really crappy about myself.

Ive got a GP appointment booked in for tomorrow where I shall be telling her I think my depression is coming back. I shall also be telling her about being Transgender too as I do feel the two are linked, unless of course I chicken out! And no, I dont feel its anything to do with some kind of a Sparkle come-down, although that probably hasnt helped. I was noticing some of my depression 'tics' about a week or two before Sparkle, and my GD has been kicking right off as well since before that.

Hair. Girls hair seems to be my thing lately. I shave my head as it is receeding a little at the front, plus my girlfriend doesnt like long hair on men, but whenever I see long hair on a girl (which is quite a lot surprisingly!) it really makes me feel bad about myself. I want it! I want long hair, I want to wear it up, I want to tie it back and leave some bangs or a fringe sweeping across my face, I want it blonde, brown, black and/or red, I want it straightened and/or curly. It doesnt seem to matter, but it seems to the thing defining my feminine desires at the moment, and it is so frustrating!

In other news, as of yesterday we now have a cat. Well, a kitten. Its currently lying on the couch next to me sleeping but it does seem to like hunting my feet with its claws and teeth out, which is quite annoying! Its a tabby that we havent named yet, and we also dont know what sex it is either until we have been able to get it to the vets for its jabs. Suggestions for cute cat names are welcome!


  1. Would it be too flippant to suggest Sparkles ?

    I hope you manage to find the words. I kind of think that the Dr could suggest something but unless he/she is given all the details he/she will be basing his/her thoughts on the wrong foundations?

    As for the receeding hair - thought about minxodil/finasteride ? Might be wise - just in case ?

    1. I have thought about Finastride yes, and will be heading to Boots at some point soon to speak about their 'hair loss' program which I believe is a private prescription for it. Its £30 a month though which is a lot of money to be handing over, but I may just need to do it.

  2. It's tough when the depression kicks in. If it's any help, the symptoms you mentioned - procrastination, can't concentrate, etc - where pretty much how I felt a year or so ago. All I can say is, get help and things do get better. It won't happen overnight, but you can beat it.

    Stay strong <3

    1. Thank you Lynn. x

      Can I ask how you managed to get over it? Did you go to see a GP or something?

    2. Honestly? It was a slog and like much in life, there are no quick wins :-) I got there with the support of my lovely wife, friends and some chemical assistance (from the GP).

      I think it was about two years all in - at least, two years of actually trying to get over it. Before that, I just felt that everyone had periods like that. That they just hid it better. :-)

      My GP - a lovely chap - was very supportive. He listened and he offered helpful advice, not just a prescription. I did have CBT - Cognitive Behavioural Therapy - in the last six months before I stopped the tablets. CBT was very hard. It was so impersonal and not about how you feel, or why, but what you can do to try and stop yourself from sinking down into depression. My half sister didn't get on with CBT at all, but long term, it did help.

      If you want to ask anything or just say hi, there's a contact form on my blog. Happy to share, if it helps! <3

    3. I guessed it wasnt easy, and im not expecting it to be any easier for me either. Im glad your all better now though! :)

      Yeah, my GP was very good with it too. She seemed to take it all in her stride. I have had experience with a little CBT before, although I couldnt apply the technique I was using to this.

      Thanks for the offer, I might take you up on that! :)