Well this week I have gradually been feeling worse and worse about myself. Ive put off writing this for a few days because I want to try and avoid typing 'rage-posts' like I used to when feeling low, at the same time the problem with this is I have forgotten some of clarity of my thoughts and feelings over the past week.
For maybe a week or two before Sparkle, I started noticing on occasions I would exhibit some of the little behaviours I used to have when I had depression. Putting myself down while saying it out loud, occasional low mood for no apparent reason, difficulty sleeping, irritability, etc. These mostly dissapeared over Sparkle weekend, apart from the occasional talking to myself moment I was happy. Post sparkle though, they are back and I have noticed other symptoms too. Feeling really miserable, short temper, feeling like I want to cry for no apparent reason and more. Not only that, but these are coupled with obsessive thoughts over my T side, hating the male characteristics showing through after being groomed for sparkle (body hair regrowth, horrible skin, etc), and feeling off physically, which I can only describe as feeling uncomfortable in my own skin. Sometimes, specifically in work I can be distracted from most of what I am feeling, or at least can put on a front. Other times I have to take extra breaks because I just feel so off and I cant concentrate on what I am supposed to be doing.
This is the final straw I think, im going to book a GP appointment this week. Either my depression is coming back or my GD is getting worse, or both. This time though work is not the culprit since I have been relatively happy there for a while, which means im going to have to tell my GP about Aimee. Im fed up of feeling like this. I can go ages feeling fine and then for no apparent reason my 'I want to be a woman' thoughts are back and im miserable. I need to do something about it.
I was meant to be going to a house warming party tonight but cancelled because im not exactly in a social-able mood, I ended up having a little argument with my girlfriend over it because this is turning into a regular thing now where my social anxiety has got in the way of things and ive deliberately made excuses not to go (not telling her about the anxiety though). This time however its a little different.