Saturday, 20 July 2013

Post Sparkle Blues

Well this week I have gradually been feeling worse and worse about myself. Ive put off writing this for a few days because I want to try and avoid typing 'rage-posts' like I used to when feeling low, at the same time the problem with this is I have forgotten some of clarity of my thoughts and feelings over the past week.

For maybe a week or two before Sparkle, I started noticing on occasions I would exhibit some of the little behaviours I used to have when I had depression. Putting myself down while saying it out loud, occasional low mood for no apparent reason, difficulty sleeping, irritability, etc. These mostly dissapeared over Sparkle weekend, apart from the occasional talking to myself moment I was happy. Post sparkle though, they are back and I have noticed other symptoms too. Feeling really miserable, short temper, feeling like I want to cry for no apparent reason and more. Not only that, but these are coupled with obsessive thoughts over my T side, hating the male characteristics showing through after being groomed for sparkle (body hair regrowth, horrible skin, etc), and feeling off physically, which I can only describe as feeling uncomfortable in my own skin. Sometimes, specifically in work I can be distracted from most of what I am feeling, or at least can put on a front. Other times I have to take extra breaks because I just feel so off and I cant concentrate on what I am supposed to be doing.

This is the final straw I think, im going to book a GP appointment this week. Either my depression is coming back or my GD is getting worse, or both. This time though work is not the culprit since I have been relatively happy there for a while, which means im going to have to tell my GP about Aimee. Im fed up of feeling like this. I can go ages feeling fine and then for no apparent reason my 'I want to be a woman' thoughts are back and im miserable. I need to do something about it.

I was meant to be going to a house warming party tonight but cancelled because im not exactly in a social-able mood, I ended up having a little argument with my girlfriend over it because this is turning into a regular thing now where my social anxiety has got in the way of things and ive deliberately made excuses not to go (not telling her about the anxiety though). This time however its a little different.


  1. For what it's worth, you're not alone with the mixture of GD and depression. It seems a number of us *ahem* Gender Plus (!!) folk get hit by it. Do go and see your GP, please don't suffer in silence.... or even suffer with quiet muttering. :-)

    I think it's ironic, in that socialising can be a great way to shake off the blues. Certainly sitting at home and thinking, doesn't seem to.

    Good luck

    1. Haha, 'Gender Plus' (maybe 'Gender+'?). I like that! :) Anyway...

      I know im not alone in this but I feel quite isolated, I dont have anyone to compare notes with face to face and this is what I need.

      Yeah, your probably right there. But in my case the social anxiety mixed with being miserable is not a good mix. My brain would have plenty of fodder to beat myself up with for days afterwards.

      I will be making a GP appointment for this week anyway, its long overdue I think. It always happens where I think I am past the bad times, and then months down the line I feel miserable again.

      Thanks Lynn! x


  2. I'm sorry to hear that you're feeling this way again.

    I suffer from cyclothymia (which is like the junior version of bipolar disorder), so I can understand a little bit of what you're going through. Sounds to me like seeing your GP is a really good idea!

    Hang in there!

    1. Thanks Ashley. I was a little better yesterday but seem to have gone back down again today. Well, ill be making an appointment in the morning with my GP. Whether I get the nerve to actually tell them whats going on is another thing....

  3. Some Gender + ( :-) ...nice one Lynn) are lucky enough to be able to put the shoes away, seemingly sated by the fix. Sadly we are not all like that and I know how you are feeling all too well. I think that seeking out others, be it medical or finding someone who you can talk to face to face is really important. As said above, suffering in silence is not the way to go. Its hard finding the courage to speak out but finally voicing my issues to my GP really helped - especially as I managed to tell her everything.

    No easy answers here sadly but asking for help is such a positive step.


    1. Thanks Becca. I just dont know whats going on really. Getting dressed up used to make me feel ok for a while, but it just doesnt seem to switch off anymore. I just want it more.

      Well, ill make an appointment with my GP anyway and see what happens, although I dont know what to say or how I would start: "Im Transgender", "Im depressed", "I cant stop thinking about what life would be like if I was a girl and it gets me down so badly sometimes", or something else. Haha, methinks its going to be awkward!

      I do want to find a local support group too but im not sure where to look really, or even if one exists. I might have to go a little further afield but ive heard one of the nearer ones isnt very good at all.

    2. I think that the words above would do just fine. You have to start somewhere and they encapsulate pretty much the issue?

      I am not sure but you could see if there are any on the Beaumont societies website or roses/angels? The Dr might be able to find out also?

      I am so sorry that you are feeling this way but being open to the Dr, as hard as it is is truly a positive step.