Thursday, 25 July 2013

This Morning I Told My GP

So, this morning I told my GP. The wait to see her took forever, and every time a name was called up over the tannoy my anxiety ratcheted up a notch which considering I waited for 45 mins, meant I worked myself up quite a lot before getting to see her. When I finally sat down with her I told her how ive been feeling over the past 3-4 weeks, depressed, on the verge of tears, low self esteem, difficulty being motivated or concentrating, and so on.

Considering I was off work previously with work related stress the obvious starting point for her was to ask how it was going, which all things considered it is ok. Its never going to be stress free since this is the nature of the job but comparing now to what it was like last year it is so much better, and I am happier there too. However what im feeling now is a lot different to what I had last year. Less stress, more emotion.

So she then asked about my private life, and this was my opening. So, my hands waved around and my mouth opened and closed a few times while I considered where and how to start before I told her that ive been struggling with what I believe is Gender Dysphoria, and that lately its been difficult to manage. It was at this point I almost cried a bit, that lump in my throat that has been there for weeks almost gave way. I told her I was a practicing Transvestite which sometimes helps and that the last few years I have been trying to manage it but recently have been struggling to.

I forget exactly how the conversation went. We talked about me coming to realise it wasnt going away, getting some clothes in to try and explore things, telling my girlfriend, how I thought things were getting better, and even briefly Sparkle too. I talked about the thoughts that never go away, the white noise in my head, the fact it gets in the way, and the frustration and obsessing. I also told her I have looked into self-medding a few times over the years too (which I dont think ive admitted to anyone before). In an effort to assure me I suppose she told me that they do have some Transgender patients who go there so they do have some experience in dealing with people like me.

She asked what I want to do, I said I want to manage it. I dont want to transition or anything like that, she kind of looked surprised at this. She asked if my partner wasnt in the picture would I be giving the same answer, and I probably wouldnt be. Like I said to the counsellor I went to see last year, if I wasnt with her id probably be on a very different path now. She asked if I have told her how ive been feeling, and I havent. She is a worrier, and someone I love very much. If I told her all it would do is fuel her paranoia of me wanting to go FT, which if I ever did it would mean the end of our relationship, which is the last thing I want. Im confident there must be a way of living with this.

My GP said if I had walked in and said something like: "I want to be a woman" she would have referred me but since im not in a position where I know what I need, she couldnt, which is fair enough. Ive been signed onto the waiting list to speak to an NHS counsellor which will take about 6 months, for the depression she has given me anti-depressants which unlike last year I have accepted this time, and I have to go back and speak to her in a few weeks time.

Ive missed a lot of the conversation out to be honest, im never good at remembering the details but above is the general gist of it.

Did I leave feeling relieved, elated, or cured? No. I was going to dress up today, I bought a few new dresses from New Look yesterday too and wanted to try them on but I feel so low and demotivated im just not in the mood at all. But at least im in the system now, I have a doctor I can talk to about it. Something is happening.


  1. Not an easy step but a positive one.

    I hope things gets easier over the next couple of days


    1. Well, I wasnt sure what to expect leading up to it to be honest. It felt like a bit more of a non event than I thought it would. I was hoping to at least feel some relief or something but im still just as down as I was. But, as I said, at least im getting somewhere.

      I really need to do some soul searching over the next few days. To be honest (and I forgot to put this in the post) I have been considering speaking to my partner about all this. About the fact that I dont know if im going to be able to keep the promises I have made about not wanting to go FT, because I just dont know what the future holds, and I dont know how strong I am. It will at least give her the opportunity for a clean break.

      As far as things getting easier over the next few days, well, im sure the happy pills will sort that out for me.

      Thanks Becca! :)

    2. A very hard conversation to have. You know there are so many places you could stop on your journey, places that might be more comfortable and more rewarding than choosing one gender or another. So much in unknown and so much to explore. I don't doubt that honesty is the best policy but I am not sure that you know enough to have that conversation yet ? Perhaps there is a chance that your gf might be able to come along on this journey with you, especially as you are working hard to resist a full transition. There are other ladies around who balance their lives, yes not vanilla and hard at times but perhaps our lives were never meant to be straight forward?

    3. Thats the problem, too many possibilities. And I dont know enough to be able to say what I need, to figure out if boundaries can be moved and needs accommodated. If I brought it up all I can do is say that the worst case scenario for us is a possibility.

      No, my gf would never join me on this journey. She would cut her losses and move on, she wouldnt invest any more time in our relationship.

      This is what I want to find, balance, but ive been trying to find this balance now for over a year and have yet to find it. A year is a long time to live in frustration.

  2. Keep at them - the NHS, that is. There is a tendency to get overlooked if you're not mouthy. :-)

    Oh, and gold star for bravery. X

    1. Well, I think all I can do is wait and see what happens.

      Thank you! It was so hard to do! :)