Next week on Friday me and my gf are going to Bristol for the day, with
the aim of meeting some friends when they finish work for some food and a
catch up. The day before this I have also been invited to go to
Gloscats (a T social night, also in Bristol) with a friend as well. When I told my gf about this and asked if she would have any problems with me going, she said that she was fine with it but she didnt want me to remove my arm hair or
do my eyebrows in case our friends the following night notice.
This kind of threw me a bit. She has never mentioned anything about having a problem with me removing my arm hair before as long as I dont do it all the time, and I certainly dont go mad on my eyebrows either. And truth be told the more I thought about it, the more I got annoyed with her.
I get fed up of compromising. I know its all part of being in a relationship and she didnt ask for this and blah blah blah. I have no intention of outing myself to people, especially by doing things to myself that cant be explained away. Fuck it, if I want to shave my body and someone asks why I do it, the simple answer is I feel cleaner, I like it, im 31 years old and I do what I want. If someone wants to ask why I pluck my eyebrows, again, im 31 years old, and if I dont groom them I look like an old wizard! Which I hate!
I dont set any rules to how she presents herself, how is it fair that she can to me. Its the age old expectation that im a man so I can only groom certain things otherwise its just not 'manly', just like society expects I have to like sports, cars, etc just because ive got a dick.
Ive gone into shutdown mode, im not talking to her about it and im just moping around the house. I almost cant believe how wound up ive gotten over this. Of course I havent done the adult thing and actually talked about this with her. Ive just been miserable for two days now, to the point I have wasted yet another day off work that could have been spent dressing up.
I cant believe how lucky I am to have someone in my life who I love more than anything, and has been reasonably accepting of this side of me too. At the same time, sometimes I cant help but think this would be far easier without her. And I hate myself for thinking this.
Sleep
It seems I dont like sleeping anymore, even when exhausted I just dont want to go to bed. And when I do have to get up for work im finding it increasingly difficult to find the willpower. I almost called in sick the other day rather than face going to work, and ive been consistently late.
Clearly im not in a right place at the moment once again.
Counselling
I dropped off my counselling referral letter at my GPs office today, ive been waiting about 6 months so far and now have to wait another 3. Im expecting to get another letter in 3 months saying ive got to wait again.
So im trying to stick to the positives. Im going out next week, this is good and should be seen as a good thing. What shall I wear that covers what I need to? What the hell am I going to do about my eyebrows?
Oh my ..... this is a tough one because the truth is that no one is likely to notice. I found that with Mrs B in the know she was hyper conscious to the point that at one stage she wouldn't let me go out with a white scarf on .... things change.
ReplyDeleteThe reality is though you are going to have to talk to her about this. It's not a question about compromises - its about understanding what you both want and need from the relationship. If there is one thing that will cause issues its resentment (on either side) about Aimee so setting rules and sticking to them is important. I think sometimes we shy away from being upfront and honest about ourselves and our needs because we feel grateful (?), feel we shouldnt rock the boat. To be honest you shouldn't feel like this - she is with you because she wants to be and your Aimee side is part of person she wants to be with. Perhaps its because of the Aimee side (whether seen or not seen) that makes you special to her ?
Opening dialogue might be hard but the surely better than unhappy silences ?
Good luck Aimee.
Your right once again. I dont think anyone likes having conversations like this but it needs to be done I think. Ive got things I want to do that could cause issues, and we need to talk things through.
DeleteTheres never a good time for this is there? :)
The eyebrow thing is kind of silly. No one would notice, and even if they did, it's not like they'd assume "crossdresser" from that. Don't most cis guys do at least some eyebrow grooming anyways?
ReplyDeleteI suppose a lot of things in life would be easier without the people we love. I know it's not the same situation, but, as I'm considering coming out to my parents, I can't help thinking, "It'd be so much easier to avoid this conversation by just never seeing them again." Yet obviously that's not an option. So yeah, it probably would be easier without her, but "easier" doesn't mean "better."
It's great that you're getting out as Aimee next week though. Hope you have a great time! :)
"Easier doesnt mean better"... Very true.
DeleteI think this was a bit of a rage post as I tend to from time to time when things dont go my way. I definitely think a conversation needs to be had with my gf at some point about what I want to be doing.