Im finding myself becoming a more socially-reclusive person recently, and to be honest im quite happy with being this way too. Friends from my male side I am just not bothering with, friends from my female side im making no effort with, and my partner I am losing patience with. This is nothing to do with them, things theyve done or anything like that, its all me. My state of mind has slowly been declining to a point where I just feel frustrated and sad for probably about 50% of the time and without a real reason.
I really cant be bothered to make any effort anymore with anything. Socialising, going out, online shopping, gaming, or even making an effort with my appearance. My appearance as a male is scruffy at best, I havent shaved in weeks and my hair is long overdue a cut. The effort needed to transform myself at this point would be massive and faced with this means I actually havent dressed in weeks even though ive had opportunities to. I cant even use the fact im living a double life as an excuse for not seeing my male side friends because I havent dressed up in so long.
My partner I feel sorry for, she puts up with so much and I know she hopes there is light at the end of the tunnel and that I will get better, but I cant see it. I just cant be bothered with it all anymore. I just feel down all the
time and uncomfortable with myself, to the point where im considering making a doctors appointment
about it. Im not blaming my depression on gender concerns this time,
but I did consider speaking to the doctor about it as well because I do believe it is a factor. My only worry is that my GP could be less than sympathetic if I did mention it to them. After seeing some of the horror stories coming out of the #TransDocFail Twitter campaign over the past few days maybe its more hassle than its worth. Would the religion of my GP be an issue? Would it be worth speaking to an Atheist one over a Christian or Muslim one? Could I even ask for this when making an appointment?
I dont know. Is this par for the course? Having to deal with feeling like this all the time because of my 'hobby'? I refuse to believe it. Ive tried all I can to accept it and to the best of my knowledge I do, but I still just continue to feel low all the time.