Finding Middle Ground

Today I have not long had my fourth counselling session at my GPs office, and im not really sure where its going to be honest. This is nothing to do with the counsellor, but more to do with me.

We are talking about things that have been at the forefront of my mind over the past few years now. Things that I have already thought about, considered, weighed up, and figured out. She has certainly helped to clarify a few things, but the end result is still the same. The thing is, the two sides of me are at an impasse. I want what I cant have, and have a great difficulty dealing with the result. And there isnt really anything she can say that will help me with this.

Transition is out of the question. Its not something that I feel is right for me at this moment. Dealing with the GD some days is pretty hard going, but the way I feel and the way I think generally makes me believe that its not something I need to put myself through. So, I need to find the ever elusive middle ground. I need to give my female side enough space to breathe, in order to keep my male side sane. Easy peasy......

I think if I was physically androgynous so it would be easier to flit from one gender to the other, id be really happy with that. Of course im not that lucky so I have to deal with the task of trimming back the man which is such a laborious task that its not something I want to endure just for half a day sat around the house, and I rarely get the opportunity to get out these days. I see this as a self defeating circle: need to dress up > too much effort required > become miserable > dont want to dress anymore > need to dress up... If I had a reason to dress up it would give me a reason to go to all the effort.

I could just hide a lot of it under clothes, but I just dont have enough of a wardrobe that does this effectively while still looking good. Plus, this always feels like an all or nothing thing for me, I dont think it will be enough. I will still be conscious of it all hiding there. So, an excuse to shop then!

I need some solid actions to take away from this. Im fully aware ive been all talk and no action for quite a while, my mood has held me back for quite a while but things arent going to improve unless I actually get off my arse. Im not going to put anything here for now, im going to have a long think about what I can do to enable me to find this middle ground. What I need to do to become comfortable between genders.

Cant Escape

Today has not been a fun day at all. Im off work this weekend, and today me and my gf planned to go into town to grab some food and hit a few shops. I wasnt too bad when I first got up but this changed in the shower.

I always wear clothes that cover my body. Long arm t-shirts and trousers, and at night long arm pyjama tops and bottoms as well. When I get changed I never inspect my body in the mirror, its a quick change to cover it back up. Obviously when I have to shower its more difficult to do this. If I have to be somewhere (like work) then its not too bad because I just quickly get it over with because I have to be somewhere. When I have a bit of time to properly shower though (like today) I find myself just standing in the shower with my head leaning forward against the door almost in a daze, just looking down at my body while studying the hair, the spots (that I got from shaving) and the pot belly, and hating all of it. Im stuck with this, im really stuck with it and I hate it. And im getting older and its growing more and more. My body is deteriorating and the testosterone is causing more changes in the wrong direction.

Suffice to say by the time I got out of the shower my mood had dropped considerably and this had a knock on effect today.

Ive decided I hate shopping with my gf as well. One thing I thought might get better when I came out to my gf would be going shopping. Being able to take interest in what she buys as well as being able to pick up some things myself. As ive found though, it hasnt worked like that and I just seem to get more frustrated every time I go out with her. She doesnt mind me shopping for 'girl things' with her, and she actively mentions it during shopping, but I have some issues.

It feels like torture sometimes being dragged around clothes shops. In the mens shops I just dont feel like I 'fit in' at all. In the ladies shops. I still feel like a bloke getting dragged around the shop, and not a participant. I cant look like im totally engaged shopping for myself, I still have to hang around outside the changing room bored out of my mind while she is trying things on, and I have a real problem picking things out while she is there because she just tends to shoot them down, and this has had a knock on effect on my confidence. I have no problem shopping for myself, by myself but I find it really difficult when she is around. I just get really really frustrated and annoyed.

Usually I can put up with the shopping and sometimes I can enjoy it, but after the low start this morning ive just been completely miserable today. To the point where we ended up leaving town early and coming home because I was in such a mood. Im still feeling crap now.

I dont know, lately I think ive been feeling lower than usual. Im so unhappy with everything at the moment and I just cant find enjoyment in life at all.

All In The Air

I had my second counselling appointment today which got off to a great start. I was sat in the waiting room and just when it hit the appointment time the fire alarm went off, so they had to evacuate the building. As before I wont be going into detail about the session, but we seemed to mainly talk about how I feel about being trans, how I feel during my high and low moments, and my relationship with my gf. Afterwards I realised there were other points I could have made but didnt go into detail enough, so I do need to make a note of a few things to remember to speak about next time.

The problem I have is it is 2 weeks between sessions, and in this time I have to work which really does dominate my thoughts a lot due to the nature of the job, and the long hours. So when it comes to recalling thoughts and feelings for the past few weeks, all I can remember is work. I need to get a notepad I think and make some noted between sessions, to make it easier to recall.

On the Subject of Work...

I am so angry at the moment with work. Our shift patterns change every 6 months and every time it just feels like they have got worse and worse. They are due to change at the end of this month and they have finally reached a point where I dont think I can continue with my employment there anymore. I dont want to leave because the money is good and im not sure ill get near this pay bracket for quite a while, but I cant continue like this.

Basically they are moving me from 4x10 hour shifts a week to 5x8 hour shifts, and then putting us on a pattern which repeats every 4 weeks. Out of the 8 days off we have in this 4 week period, 4 of them are within 5 days of each other, the other 4 are split individually within the remaining 23 days of the month. We basically get no decent break for more than 3 weeks, and it is an absolute joke. Not only that, but 3 out of the 4 weeks we are on mid-late shifts, starting anytime from around 11am and ending at 9.30pm at the latest (for example:1100-1930 or 1300-2130). So, the days are wasted when we are scheduled in. There is no decent amount of time in the day or evening to have some time to myself. Because it is so long between grouped days off, this is just ridiculous.

Ive raised this with my line manager and he said there is nothing he can do (which I expected), so I will be raising this as a grievance with HR along with the other people stuck on my pattern. Theres so much going on at work at the moment and this just feels like another boot in the face while im down.

I really need to look for something new, im fed up of doing jobs like this. I need a new direction but have no idea where to start. Im not exactly young anymore (31, ouch) but need to get retrained in something. I was looking at IT jobs years back but im not sure they are as safe for a long term career as they used to be. I need to get another job in the mean time but im not sure I can face another call centre role.

First Counselling Session

So I went to my first NHS counselling session on Wednesday. Im not going to go into a massive amount of detail on this blog about what we discuss in these sessions but I do want to give an overview of points of interest.

When we first met and before id even had a chance to take my coat off I was asked what I preferred to be called. Ill be honest I wasnt really expecting that question, but chose my male name since that was how I was presented. It feels weird to use a female name if I dont present as female.

This appears to be a whole different kind of counselling than what I went through before. My last lot of counselling was more or less about the here and now, and tools to help move forward. Plus, it also seemed to be geared totally around my gender problems. This time around the counseller wants to use a 'holistic approach', and wants to look at the whole package. My mood, motivation, diet, exercise, and so on. She also seems to be taking a broader view on my history as well. Previously it was again centered around my gender, where this time we have already talked about my childhood and family life when I was younger.

When we finished I was meant to go straight to work but I ended up going home (on the counsellors instruction) for 20-30 mins to chill out and let my mind settle. I certainly wasnt in as happy a place as I was when I went in and this was only the first session.

Im not the kind of person that opens up and shares my thoughts and feelings under normal circumstances anyway. I never really speak about them with an actual person, usually I just bottle things up and/or write about them on here. Because of this I can see future conversations being particularly uncomfortable.

The next session is in two weeks and in some ways im looking forward to it, in other ways im not.

Photobombed

It appears during my last set of photos that my kitten Molly decided to photobomb one of them without me realising it. She was fascinated by the camera and spent a fair bit of time trying to climb up the pole I had attached it too.

I was hoping all the way through that she wouldnt try and climb my leg like she usually does when she wants some fuss. Not only would she ruin my tights, but also my leg too! Her claws are sharp!

Counselling

I finally got a letter from my GP yesterday inviting me in for counselling, which is on Wednesday morning. Considering how long its taken to get this far, im surprised the appointment is so soon. Im meant to be working on Wednesday but im sure work wont have a problem with me attending. Now the appointment has come up though I feel a bit unsure about going.

I dont feel anywhere near as depressed as I did when I was referred. That doesnt mean im completely 100% feeling good, im not. But im the kind of person who doesnt go the doctor unless im really, really bad. The NHS is stretched enough as it is and it can do without the people who go there who can make do.

I feel like I should prepare in some way. I feel like im going in for an interview or a test rather than counselling, and I dont know why. Ive been to counselling before so I know what to expect. Maybe its their expectation, im on file now as having Gender Dysphoria but I havent felt severely Dysphoric in a while. I still have my moments but nothing to the degree I felt last year. I dont want to go there and for them to think im wasting their time.

Making Up for Lost Time

As you may have gathered from the pics dotted around the post, ive finally got my act together and dressed up for the first time in ages. I decided to get the camera out as well so there were numerous costume changes as I tried on some outfits I wanted to wear on my next night out to see how they would look. I think the wine dress on the top left is my favourite, the cowl neck and floaty skirt is definitely a more flattering shape.

I decided to get my new camera out and try the tripod id bought for it, as well as take photos remotely via my iPad and it worked a treat.

I think the problem ive been having with the dressing is there has been no purpose. When im off work, I dont dress up just to sit around the house. A lot of the time I dont even get out of my pyjamas (I know, such a slob!) so going through all the hassle of shaving and putting on tons of makeup is far more of an effort that I would usually put in on a day off. I think I need to get myself some ladies slob-wear, maybe that would help.

Motivation

Starting tomorrow im going to do some exercise, the deadline has been set. Nothing heavy, just stretching to start off for the first week or two, then im going to start doing Yoga or Pilates. My body is all stiff and I need to stretch it out a bit. Ive been saying im going to do this for months but I admit I have just been too lazy to do it. I have really bad knees which I went to physio about last year, I was given some exercises to do but never got around to doing them. Lately my knees have been getting worse so I need to do something about it.

This has always been my problem though, I lack the motivation to help myself. Whether its my knees, my teeth, going out dressed up, going out at all, or socialising with friends, I just lack motivation. I have things I want or need to do, but when I get the time off all I do is stay at home and waste my time. I dont do things unless I really have to. This is something that needs to change but its a learned behaviour now, its a difficult thing to push past.

Grinding Me Down

The past week or two has been pretty tough, and today I have been noticing things and ways of thinking that I havent done since I was off work with my depression. Replaying recent social faux-pas and embarrasments in my head and getting wound up by them, cursing to myself, difficulty finding motivation to do anything, feeling pretty miserable, etc.

There are a number of factors at play here I think....

1 - Work is really irritating me. Strangely the work itself isnt the culprit this time, its the people I have to manage. Over the past year and a half as people have left and new people have joined, I just seem to have been left with a bunch of loud, immature drama queens, and its really getting to me. They arent all this bad, but about half of them are really beginning to stress me out for one reason or another. Managing kids (well, early twenties) is not fun. I feel like a teacher or even a babysitter sometimes and ive got more important things I could be doing.

2 - Its my grandads 80th birthday in April. He moved to Peterborough long before I can even remember, and in my 31 years alive ive only met him two or three times, the last time being probably about 15 years ago, if not more. In fact its been so long I cant even remember his name. My mum is planning on her, me, my brother and our partners to all go and visit as a surprise, and is being very insistent that I go. Im finding it really difficult to bring myself to attend. The social anxiety is back in force again and im ashamed to say im looking for any excuse not to go.

3 - Ive just been to the dentist today and they told me I have to have a wisdom tooth out, and the decay is so bad that it will have to be surgically removed. This will be the third tooth ive had to have pulled out (not including the two root canals ive had done as well), so this was marvelous news. And when I told my gf over the phone she laughed at me, I assume she was expecting me to be amused at the state of my teeth. Clearly, I wasnt. In fact, ive been pretty disheartened today. I had so many plans but instead spent it lying down on the couch doing as little as possible.

Ive documented a number of times on here about my dislike for what I was born with, and the continuing decay of it is not helping.

4 - Its nearly the end of the second month of the year and I still havent got my t-life in gear. March and April are looking like they will be busy months so I really need to do something! Ive got a weekend off this weekend and my gf is away, I think I need to do something special and treat myself in some way, or something....

So Many Clothes, Nothing to Wear

The Bristol trip was cancelled at the last minute, so I was going to spend today dressing up anyway, although that didnt quite go to plan.

Ive got so many clothes at the moment, even im beginning to think ive got too much! This isnt really a problem for me, what I have a problem with is trying to find outfits that actually work. As much as I like putting on a nice frock and heels, they are best saved for nights out (as infrequent as they are) so when im dressing at home I go for a casual look. I have so many tops, vest tops, cardi's, trousers and so on but whenever I dress at home I always end up dressing up in the same few outfits. Part of the problem with this is the hair, I only really shave my body hair (which includes my chest) for special occasions because of the reactions I get and it seems most casual tops and dresses seem to like to expose this a bit. I have so many cute casual items that just leave my chest fur showing.

Today I spent ages going through my clothes trying to find a new combination for a change and I have actually found one! The only problem is its taken me so long to just find something I like that I cant be bothered to dress up further. Im dressed up, clean shaved, and ive even put a headband with a cute little bow on it on my shaved head but I think this is as far as im going to get today. The house is a mess and I cant be bothered to add to it with my makeup too. Tidying all this away is going to take ages as it is.

Maybe next week, and ill probably take some new photos too with my new camera.

Shopping

I dont really help myself by continuing to add to my collection! I went shopping yesterday by myself in town, im definitely getting a bit braver on that front. I ordered some black patent heels and a patent clutch (for a future night out maybe?) online and got them delivered to a local store in the city centre, and then went shopping for some clothes as well. I came back with a nice wine coloured drapey dress from New Look which is really flattering and goes really well with black tights and the aforementioned heels and clutch. I also bought a top which im unsure whether to keep or not, its meant to be loose but I dont think I really have the bum for it and it looks too baggy to me. Im not going to take it back straight away, ill have a think about it. I know im never going to look perfect so im just trying to decide if it looks nice enough.

I also bought some trousers as well from Vero Moda which at the moment is one of my favourite clothes shops (along with Vila, Pieces and Only who I think are part of the same company) but I think im going to have to stop going in there for a while, I think theyve figured out that im going in for myself. Its only a small store and theres a girl who ive seen in there a few times now who always asks me if I want help and gives me a knowing smile, and on my most recent visit when one of the guys rang up my trousers he smiled and said "wearing this on the weekend?". I laughed, smiled back and said: "oh no, my secret identity has been discovered, dont tell the missus!". We had a laugh about it but I think I might stick to shopping on their website for a while.

Website

I havent forgotten or given up on the website idea, ive just been having a think about how I want to approach it. I get the feeling there isnt really a template that I can use that will do all that I want it to do as far as the main feature is concerned, and its beyond my expertise. I might have to buy a base template and then pay another developer to customise it. Its going to cost me a bit so im considering my options. In the mean time ive just about finished the logo, I havent used graphic design software in years. I used to dabble a little in Adobe Illustrator, and have basically been re-teaching myself on open source software called Inkspace. Its taken me a while but im slowly getting to grips with it. Ive left the text part of it out since I dont want it to give any clues about what the site will be, but this is the general design. The black part is meant to be blurred but it isnt exporting like that for some reason. Also I might change the outlines to black to make them stand out more. Ive got a couple of different variations on the logo and I keep adding more.