Cause or Effect

Something ive been pondering recently is whether the urges and thoughts I have are a cause or effect of the depression I feel. If the depression is a cause of my need to dress up, then its most likely that this is my way of blowing off steam or having a bit of escapism from my day to day life. If the depression is an effect of me not being able to express myself, then my gender issues may run deeper than I thought. Of course im no therapist and I might still have gender issues either way anyway, but it makes sense to me.

I think this is something I need to think about and write down next time I feel down, exactly what was I thinking beforehand or earlier that day. Thinking back though ive got a feeling that the depression may be an effect. My thought process is usually 'Got some free time on this date' > 'I can spend this time expressing Aimee' > 'Look forward to it' > 'This doesnt happen for one reason or another' > 'Disproportionate depression or anger'. I cant think of a time where its a reaction to something bad happening in my life.

Another Day Another Downer

So after my post on Sunday I decided to set aside Monday to get dressed up for the first time since my night out, and try and relax before my second shift back in work.

I felt so much better when I woke up on Monday. I showered, shaved, dressed and put some makeup on and just went about my day happily, seemingly forgetting my state of mind the day before. I really wanted to wear a top my partner got me when I came out to her because I hadnt had a chance to wear it yet, so dressed very casual. When my partner came home we chatted and watched a film together and I stayed dressed up all the way through till bed time.

I went to work yesterday and apart from a few nerves at the beginning I got through it fine. Got through the day no problems, no depression, and actually left work feeling pretty good. Today is a day off for me and once again I find myself in a bad mood. Ive been trying to think about what is causing my current state of mind and im not too sure.

When I got up this morning my first thoughts were to dress up again today, but im conscious of the fact that while my partner has accepted my dressing I dont want to be doing it all the time to the point where it starts to threaten her. So I decided against it. I know I need to epilate my legs again and I know ive got loads of ingrowing hairs I need to sort out, yesterday I was thinking about doing it today but all ive been thinking is whats the point?

My partner has seemed to link up my depression and dressing, when I have been down occasionally she always asks is it because I need to dress up and I always reply no. But is it? As far as today is concerned, am I annoyed because I cant dress due to some self imposed rule? I will admit there is an urge to dress up but surely my conscious decision should override this, its not like im being unreasonable.

And I Was Doing So Well

Ive been hitting a low moment again. Over the past few days my mood has been dipping and today ive just been really down. Ive been trying to take stock of the things ive done so far and what they mean, and even what is the point.  Over the past few months ive accepted it, ive come out to my partner who has also accepted it, ive made friends who ive been on a night out with and enjoyed it, and realised I want to do it more. All good then? Not really, no.

I hate my body, it does not lend well to dressing. While im fairly short and small enough to fit into normal womens clothes and shoes, ive got excessive hair that grows all over the place and the hair is so thick and dark even shaved you can still see it. Especially on the chest and face. Ive got fat thighs which considering ive got no fat means ive got no way of slimming them down. The preperation required to get ready for last weekend showed me what a chore it was to make myself look even presentable, the journey from scruffy male to presentable female is long, arduous, and also painful.

Ive been getting envious and jealous of other girls again. Just walking around the streets I see plenty of women walking past and I wish I looked like them. Even the 'plain Janes', ive just been watching them, the way they act, interact, and how others interact with them. And of course, admiring the clothes too. I swear, ive got boob envy.

Could it be down to not having something to look forward to? The big event last weekend is long gone, and there is nothing planned for the time being. There is talk of this and that but nothing concrete to actually look forward to. My new found confidence might also be slipping away. Ive been trying to picture myself dressed up while walking through town, and imagining how easy I would be to spot and potential reactions, and the more I think about it the less confident I become.

Maybe its the realisation that this is my life now, ive achieved what I wanted to when I set out last year and maybe im not happy with the result. I spend an unhealthy amount of my time spent in front of my computer or on my phone, checking in on the various contact sites and forums I am a part of, waiting and hoping for contact from someone. Maybe im also unhappy with the probability im just a wannabe woman, some poor imitation who when I eventually get out there will be mocked and ridiculed by a society that doesnt understand it. Hell, I dont even understand it. I wish I could sit down and say 'this is why', but I cant. I cant even say 'this is what I want', because I dont know what I want. How can I explain it to people when I havent got a clue myself?

I might be getting mixed up because of work, but im not sure. I started the process to go back to work last week after being on sick for nearly 5 months. Officially ive been off with work related stress, and while work was the catalyst for me snapping I think the depression caused by my gender issues was probably a major part of the build up too. Of course, I didnt tell work that. Its a horrible, high pressure place to be and while a lot seems to have changed im not going to know until I hit the floor again. On the plus side they do pay well so im going to have to stick it out for a while just for the money.

I dont know how to describe how im feeling right now. Like a freak? A fake? A pervert? Guilty? Shameful? Certainly depressed.

My First Girls Night Out

This weekend I went on a girls night out to a popular Trans venue for my first public outing as Aimee with a few people I have met face to face before, and a few I havent. It was an interesting experience, and one which pretty much lived up to my expectations.

At the hotel beforehand, after I got changed and was ready I went downstairs to see some of our group that was staying in another room. It was my first time leaving a private space dressed and I didnt bump into anyone on the way there. On the way back to my room moments later I heard someone walking behind me, as I walked through a door I held it open and looked behind me as I did so. The man gave me quite a funny look but I just said 'here you go mate' in my normal male voice and then kept walking trying to suppress the smirk on my face. I realised that not only did I not care what he thought, but I actually found it quite amusing that I got that kind of reaction out of him.

The club was actually a really nice venue with very friendly staff although I didnt care for the music. If it was a straight venue and I wasnt Trans, I wouldnt go out to this kind of club at all. It was also a bit weird being in a club with a large number of Transgender girls of all different types, and this took a while to get used to (hypocritical I know!). As I thought I didnt make any new friends while I was there, typically people dont go to clubs to make friends, they go to socialise with existing ones.

The following day we went to a day event the same venue was also holding. I checked out of the hotel dressed up and the staff were brilliant, taking it in their stride. While we were packing stuff into the car there was a guy having a cigarette eyeing us up with a bit of a dirty look and again it didnt bother me at all. The day event was pretty boring so we only stuck around for a bit before getting changed and heading back.

Something I did find weird is I think my mind does seem to rebel occasionally from doing typically feminine things when dressed. I wanted to check my face to see if my wig still looked ok but it took me ages to convince myself it was ok to get my mirror out of my bag to check, and when I did I felt very self conscious at what I was doing. The same happened when I wanted to top up my lipgloss. It was very irrational. I also need to think about my mannerisms and how far I want to take them. I said to the group throughout the weekend that as I would have no chance of passing, I dont see the point of working on my voice because people would be able to suss me out before I even open my mouth. And as far as the mannerisms goes apart from the basics like walking in heels, I would probably not work on them either as I am just me when dressed. However one of our group who I had not met beforehand looked very convincing when dressed up and also moved very femininely, seeing this got me thinking. As we were driving back I came to the realisation that the movement does seem like an important part of it and I should make more of an effort to try and move a bit more femininely, but I will still leave my voice as it sounds.

The whole time I was out as Aimee I wasnt nervous at all about going out dressed up. I just took it all in my stride like it was the most normal thing in the world. I have realised I think I have a 'dont give a f**k' attitude about how other people see me when dressed, and I think this is a good attitude to have. The true test will be about being in a busier more public setting, and this is something I want to aim for soon. As it is though, I have been out of work for nearly 5 months now and dont have the money to do anything else dressed for the time being so I think it will be a while before my next trip away.

When I got back me and my partner had a really good chat about the my weekend out and the whole Trans thing and where I want to take it next. Out of respect to her I wont be going out anywhere local to us. If I was single I couldnt care less if people found out about this, I actually want to tell people. What I dont want though is the fallout of people finding out about it affecting her. It would be unfair to subject her to the possibility that people would probably be talking about her behind her back or cause problems for her on the basis of my lifestyle choices which I basically forced on her 9 years into our relationship.

Preparing For My First Night Out

Im meant to be going out on Friday for the first time dressed up and to be honest the lead up to it is frustrating me massively! Ive got some outfits together but the heels I bought are too loose, and im struggling with the makeup. Really struggling!

Ive just been to MAC and bought some concealer, foundation powder, and red lipstick for colour correction of my beard shadow on their recommendation, and I cant get it to work! I start by using a primer, then red lipstick over the beard, and then I have to use 3 layers of concealer over the beard and foundation over my whole face for it to look like it covers. The only problem is the texture doesnt look right, it looks 'bumpy' and caked on. Then dont get me started on the eye shadow! I cant get it looking right at all, I just look like ive been punched in the face.

Ive only got a few days to go and all this preperation is not only expensive but its stressing me out too!

Are You Confused About Your Gender Identity?

If youve come across this blog while looking for answers about your own gender identity, this post is just some advice I want to give to you based on my own experiences.

Being Trans* whether that is as a Crossdresser, Transvestite, Transgender, Transexual, Genderqueer, something else or something in between, or even if your not sure where you fit on the gender spectrum, is not a choice that we have. There is something hardwired inside your brain that means you have a need to express a feminine part of your personality to some degree, and how much will depend on your individual circumstances. Trying to deny or suppress your feelings is not healthy and will only lead to more intense issues further down the line. I spent many years trying to deny this side of me and slowly it started becoming a massive regret which I was obsessing over. This contributed to my depression, and to a point, it still does a little now. You need to learn to accept it and figure out how far you need to go to be happy, and you will not be able to figure it out without pushing some boundaries. There will be some challenges along the way, and you might surprise yourself when you figure out what this means to you, but the journey will be worth it.

You dont want to be in a position where you regret this years down the line, we are only here once and we are all different. Experiment now, get out there and try it out while you can look good doing it. You dont want to be 60 years old looking in a mirror wearing a dress far too short and revealing, wishing you had tried this out sooner. Im only tackling this at 30 years of age and im really regretting not doing it earlier in my life when I would have looked far better (and maybe dare I say it, convincing) and been able to enjoy it more. I often think about where my life would be now if I had accepted this many years ago, I think I would be a lot happier with myself now, thats for sure. As it is though, im now very happy with having this other side to me in my life. I love dressing up, I love how makeup changes the way my face looks, I feel so much happier with myself when I can have my feminine moments, and I would not change it for the world.

Take the time to explore it, maybe even get in touch with other people about it. Make use of the internet and the various Trans* contact sites and support forums that are out there, get chatting to people, arrange to meet them or go on a night out with them, or find out where your local support groups are and make a trip to one. If you are really worried or confused then go and see a counsellor/therapist. People do need help from time to time and there is no stigma attached for trying to sort yourself out. If you decide to go and see one make sure they deal with Transgender issues as someone who is not trained in the specifics of this will not be able to help you.

Theres nothing wrong about expressing your female side, and talking to other people in the same situation as yourself will help you realise this, and maybe even help you realise how far you need to go. If you can meet someone face to face that would be best but even chatting online can help. If you are really unsure, you can even comment on this post if you like and I will reply to you.

Take care,

Aimee x

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p.s. I rewrote this post on 22/02/13 because I felt that I needed to go into a little bit more detail. I have decided to keep the original post and here it is below:

Being Trans wherever you are on the spectrum is something that will never go away, it is as much a part of you as your legs are. You can try to deny it, ignore it or throw all your clothes away and try to live a normal life, but eventually it will come back and bite you, and it will bite you hard. From my own personal experience, denying it will lead to depression and also regret. You need to accept it and figure out how far you need to go to be happy, and you will not be able to figure it out without pushing some boundaries. There will be some challenges along the way, and you might surprise yourself with what it means to you when you figure it out, but the journey will be worth it.

Experiment now, get out there and try it out while you can look good doing it. You dont want to be 60 years old looking in a mirror wearing a dress far too short and revealing, wishing you had tried this out sooner. Im only tackling this at 30 years of age and im really regretting not doing it earlier in my life. Make use of the internet and the various Trans contact sites that are out there, get chatting to people, arrange to meet them or go on a night out with them, or find out where your local support groups are and make a trip to one. You dont even have to do these dressed up, but its nice to have someone to talk to who understands what you are going through.

If you think this is something more serious or you are particularly unsure or confused, there is no shame in going to see a therapist if you need to. People do need help from time to time and there is no stigma attached for trying to sort yourself out. If you decide to go and see one make sure they deal with Transgender issues as someone who is not trained in the specifics of this will not be able to help you.

Ticking Things Off The Tranny To-Do List!

Well in a few weeks time I will be venturing out to a well known Trans night dressed for the occasion, and will also hopefully be spending a bit of time the next day out and about dressed up to. I will be going with two other Transgirls I know who are both married with partners that know, and also live around where I live, and also two others that I have chatted to online that we are meeting there. The hotel is booked so I am committed now..... eek!

Im really really looking forward to it but also equally nervous too. Ive actually not been able to sleep the past few nights thinking about it, I cant decide if it is excitement or nerves though that is keeping me awake! Ive also been stressing over what to wear and had to pick up some new makeup for the occasion too. Im going to have to practice hard before I go, I want to look gorgeous for my big debut!

So much to do, so little time.....

I cant really afford this, but ive been feeling like ive been stuck in a rut lately when it comes to my dressing, I feel like I need to experience this now while the opportunity is here so I can see what it is like! Thank god for my credit card!