Ive been hitting a low moment again. Over the past few days my mood has been dipping and today ive just been really down. Ive been trying to take stock of the things ive done so far and what they mean, and even what is the point. Over the past few months ive accepted it, ive come out to my partner who has also accepted it, ive made friends who ive been on a night out with and enjoyed it, and realised I want to do it more. All good then? Not really, no.
I hate my body, it does not lend well to dressing. While im fairly short and small enough to fit into normal womens clothes and shoes, ive got excessive hair that grows all over the place and the hair is so thick and dark even shaved you can still see it. Especially on the chest and face. Ive got fat thighs which considering ive got no fat means ive got no way of slimming them down. The preperation required to get ready for last weekend showed me what a chore it was to make myself look even presentable, the journey from scruffy male to presentable female is long, arduous, and also painful.
Ive been getting envious and jealous of other girls again. Just walking around the streets I see plenty of women walking past and I wish I looked like them. Even the 'plain Janes', ive just been watching them, the way they act, interact, and how others interact with them. And of course, admiring the clothes too. I swear, ive got boob envy.
Could it be down to not having something to look forward to? The big event last weekend is long gone, and there is nothing planned for the time being. There is talk of this and that but nothing concrete to actually look forward to. My new found confidence might also be slipping away. Ive been trying to picture myself dressed up while walking through town, and imagining how easy I would be to spot and potential reactions, and the more I think about it the less confident I become.
Maybe its the realisation that this is my life now, ive achieved what I wanted to when I set out last year and maybe im not happy with the result. I spend an unhealthy amount of my time spent in front of my computer or
on my phone, checking in on the various contact sites and forums I am a
part of, waiting and hoping for contact from someone. Maybe im also unhappy with the probability im just a wannabe woman, some poor imitation who when I eventually get out there will be mocked and ridiculed by a society that doesnt understand it. Hell, I dont even understand it. I wish I could sit down and say 'this is why', but I cant. I cant even say 'this is what I want', because I dont know what I want. How can I explain it to people when I havent got a clue myself?
I might be getting mixed up because of work, but im not sure. I started the process to
go back to work last week after being on sick for nearly 5 months. Officially ive
been off with work related stress, and while work was the catalyst for
me snapping I think the depression caused by my gender issues was
probably a major part of the build up too. Of course, I didnt tell work
that. Its a horrible, high pressure place to be and while a lot seems to have changed im not going to know until I hit the floor again. On the plus side they do pay well so im going to have to stick it out for a while just for the money.
I dont know how to describe how im feeling right now. Like a freak? A fake? A pervert? Guilty? Shameful? Certainly depressed.