The temptation to just write everything off and start again is so high at the moment. I could start off small, delete my Facebook account, stop returning calls and text messages, remove myself from TG social network sites and forums, and stop talking to people in work socially. Then I could take bigger steps, look for a new place to move to away from South Wales, end it with my partner, find a new job, and start again. That would be great, no-one to bother me and I could be just left alone to do what I want when I want to do it. A nice clean slate where no-one has any pre-conceptions of who I am.
The past few weeks or more I have just felt persistently low. Irritated. Miserable. Fed up. Ratty. Short tempered. Small lump in my throat like im feeling a bit emotional. I just dont feel like I can be bothered anymore to carry on like this, I cant even say why I feel the way I do!
Do I have a good reason for feeling this way? No. And the harsh thing is my partner is taking the full brunt of it too. We have been off work since we finished on Friday so there has been no escape for her. Nowhere for me to go and vent it or be distracted from it, nowhere for her to have space away from it. And it has also meant that she has also been the catalyst of me losing my temper too because she has been here all of the time. Today I lost it with her over a stupid thing, in my head all I could think was that she was being deliberately obstructive of a day I set aside to let Aimee out for the first time in a month. She wasnt. There were good reasons around what she did and easy ways around it too, but I couldnt get the idea out of my head and I couldnt let it go.
Its not fair on her. I overheard her the other day or week talking to who I think were her parents on the phone, and from what I heard it sounds like she is tip-toeing around me a lot of the time now, especially when she notices I am feeling this low. And since then ive noticed her do it too, for example she did all of the housework this week. Not once did she ask me to help even though ive been here and free.