Friday, 25 January 2013

Buying Clothes That Fit

I ordered some casual clothes the other day and my parcel finally arrived today, just in time to coincide with another day ive got to let Aimee loose! I wanted to get clothes I could wear without the whole hassle of shaving absolutely everything beforehand on my more casual dressing days, so I went for t-shirts and tops with high necks. I usually order from places that do free delivery and returns, so I can then order 2 sizes of what I want and then send back what I dont need. However, finding tops and t-shirts that fit right is incredibly difficult to do because of my man-shoulders.

Out of my whole order, only two tops (one t-shirt, one vest, both size 12/M) fit good, the rest were either too tight at the top or too loose at the bottom. Im aware that when it comes to clothes im going to have to make compromises due to my shape, but trying to decide whether to go too small or large is proving a difficult choice. I can fit into the small tops but they do look a little tight around the top, and I do think this looks a lot better than the excess material around the hips of a medium size. At the same time it does make my 'girls' quite pronounced, and I cant believe im saying this but it makes me feel a little self-conscious too. Not because they will be more on display, but more of concern about what my partner will think. She finds the fact I wear breasts a little strange, and was one of the harder things it took for her to accept about this side of me because it changes it from beyond just dressing up as a girl through to wanting to be one. One of the t-shirts that does fit has 'Bench.' in silvery glittery writing across the breasts and this also makes me a little self-conscious to wear it too, but not to the same level as the tight tops. I think I can get over it.

I think I need to sit down with my partner at some point and have a proper discussion about this side of me. We havent really properly talked about it since I came out to her. We talked about my past and what the effects are of not being able to express this, but havent really talked about the stuff, well, that I went to counselling for. Its difficult though because even after the counselling I still dont really understand it myself. I dont know what drives me to do it, and I dont know what I can do to get to a place where I am truly happy. Im still no closer to finding a male/female balance that is right for me, I have weeks of being fine and then weeks of feeling low and im not even convinced that my low feelings are entirely gender related. How can I have a discussion about something I dont even understand myself.

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