This weekend I went on a girls night out to a popular Trans venue for my first public outing as Aimee with a few people I have met face to face before, and a few I havent. It was an interesting experience, and one which pretty much lived up to my expectations.
At the hotel beforehand, after I got changed and was ready I went downstairs to see some of our group that was staying in another room. It was my first time leaving a private space dressed and I didnt bump into anyone on the way there. On the way back to my room moments later I heard someone walking behind me, as I walked through a door I held it open and looked behind me as I did so. The man gave me quite a funny look but I just said 'here you go mate' in my normal male voice and then kept walking trying to suppress the smirk on my face. I realised that not only did I not care what he thought, but I actually found it quite amusing that I got that kind of reaction out of him.
The club was actually a really nice venue with very friendly staff although I didnt care for the music. If it was a straight venue and I wasnt Trans, I wouldnt go out to this kind of club at all. It was also a bit weird being in a club with a large number of Transgender girls of all different types, and this took a while to get used to (hypocritical I know!). As I thought I didnt make any new friends while I was there, typically people dont go to clubs to make friends, they go to socialise with existing ones.
The following day we went to a day event the same venue was also holding. I checked out of the hotel dressed up and the staff were brilliant, taking it in their stride. While we were packing stuff into the car there was a guy having a cigarette eyeing us up with a bit of a dirty look and again it didnt bother me at all. The day event was pretty boring so we only stuck around for a bit before getting changed and heading back.
Something I did find weird is I think my mind does seem to rebel occasionally from doing typically feminine things when dressed. I wanted to check my face to see if my wig still looked ok but it took me ages to convince myself it was ok to get my mirror out of my bag to check, and when I did I felt very self conscious at what I was doing. The same happened when I wanted to top up my lipgloss. It was very irrational. I also need to think about my mannerisms and how far I want to take them. I said to the group throughout the weekend that as I would have no chance of passing, I dont see the point of working on my voice because people would be able to suss me out before I even open my mouth. And as far as the mannerisms goes apart from the basics like walking in heels, I would probably not work on them either as I am just me when dressed. However one of our group who I had not met beforehand looked very convincing when dressed up and also moved very femininely, seeing this got me thinking. As we were driving back I came to the realisation that the movement does seem like an important part of it and I should make more of an effort to try and move a bit more femininely, but I will still leave my voice as it sounds.
The whole time I was out as Aimee I wasnt nervous at all about going out dressed up. I just took it all in my stride like it was the most normal thing in the world. I have realised I think I have a 'dont give a f**k' attitude about how
other people see me when dressed, and I think this is a good attitude to
have. The true test will be about being in a busier more public setting, and this is something I want to aim for soon. As it is though, I have been out of work for nearly 5 months now and dont have the money to do anything else dressed for the time being so I think it will be a while before my next trip away.
When I got back me and my partner had a really good chat about the my weekend out and the whole Trans thing and where I want to take it next. Out of respect to her I wont be going out anywhere local to us. If I was single I couldnt care less if people found out about this, I actually want to tell people. What I dont want though is the fallout of people finding out about it affecting her. It would be unfair to subject her to the possibility that people would probably be talking about her behind her back or cause problems for her on the basis of my lifestyle choices which I basically forced on her 9 years into our relationship.
It sounds like you really enjoyed your trip away. I often have the "I don't give a" attitude. It was very strong in the early days of my public life and it comes and goes now. When it's strong I get to the point of challenging people in the shops when they read me and aren't discreet about it. Perhaps not the best of attitudes and I have to reign it in sometimes. But generally, it's a good healthy attitude to have. At the end of the day, what are you doing wrong?
ReplyDeleteThis perhaps moves on to how you are trying to protect your partner. Again, I had this when we went public and to be honest, I needn't have worried. She also had a "don't give a" attitude. I was so careful not to embarrass her in all this but she was having so much fun going out with her new found "girlfriend" it didn't worry her. Perhaps you may achieve this as well. It certainly sounds promising.
However, watch the cash! It can get bloody expensive!
Lucy x
Yeah it was fun, I cant say I was a fan of the club but I was in good company. When I say I have a 'dont give a' attitude, I dont mean in an aggressive manner but that I dont really care what others think. I didnt really interact with many people outside of the safety of the club so cant really say how I would react if I was directly challenged. Like you said, im not doing anything wrong!
DeleteI think the difference is that while my partner is being supportive, I dont think she is still entirely comfortable with it. As things progress though well have to see what happens.
Haha yes it is very expensive. I have to go back to work now because I ran out of money! Ive still got to buy a wardrobe to keep Suzys clothes in! :)