The Partner Complication

Before I start this post I just want to say that I hope you all had a really nice Christmas this year and enjoyed yourself. Im not one for getting into the yuletide spirit to be honest but I got through it ok. I havent been able to dress up for weeks and it is unlikely I will be able to for some time yet, and this is irritating me a little now. Anyway, back to the post then.......

Something I have noticed recently is that I become hyper aware when my partner is subjected to Trans people through TV, on the street, through conversations and so on. I find it difficult to place the feeling, maybe a mixture of nervousness, shame, and paranoia I suppose.

For example we were at my partners parents over Christmas and we were watching Men In Black 3, and there is a scene where they are at an Andy Warhol party. During this scene there is a tiny section where they showed a Transvestite or Drag Queen on there and I couldnt help but suddenly feel on edge. I couldnt help but think about what she might think when she sees people like that, and then project that onto myself. To be honest I totally dread thinking about what goes through her mind when she sees me dressed, or thinks about it. I care greatly how she feels and want her to be happy and happy to be with me, but I cant help but think that I disappoint her in some way, or something. I might be totally off the mark but I doubt I will ever truly know.

On top of this I also get the feeling my wave is crashing again, ive started to feel a bit down about all this. Over the past few days ive just been finding myself sitting up late at night just mulling things over in my head. Im doing it now, im physically exhausted and my eyes are heavy but I dont feel like going to sleep. This has meant when ive had to get up for work in the morning on less than 5 hours sleep that ive been shattered throughout the day.

The Absurdity Of It All

Ive been able to take a step back and look at things a lot more logically over the past week or so without getting all down about it all, and I have come to a couple of realisations. First off the thoughts and feelings ive had towards exploring my feminine side has changed since coming out to my partner, I think the change in circumstances has forced a new perspective on them. Before coming out the focus was on the secret itself, keeping it away from everyone especially my partner. This meant that the short times I got to be Aimee had a bit of a thrill attached I suppose and keeping the secret seemed to be the dominating thoughts around my depression. Since coming out the lifestyle aspects of it have come into focus and become a much bigger part of it. Now the secrets are no longer there and ive got a massive amount of freedom, figuring out who I am, where I am going and how to achieve it is the biggest thing on my mind. Sometimes this leads to nice experiences, other times it makes me feel depressed about where I am. It seems to come in waves and I gradually move from state to state, at its highest I just get on with things and can step back and look at things from an outside perspective like I am now, and at its lowest I get all confused about who I am and what I want, and I start to feel lost and depressed. Its bizarre because when I have this perspective and I look back at what I was thinking during the low moments I feel a little silly, but at the time its seems so real.

Ive also thought about the point of all this dressing up malarkey and have been thinking how absolutely absurd it is, and it amuses and confuses me. Considering I know that transition is not the path for me, what is the point? What is it that drives me to want to buy ladies clothes, put on some fake boobs and a wig, dress and make myself up and then get on with my day? If I could turn around and say 'this' is why I did it then brilliant, but it just makes no sense to me at all! Looking at it objectively just highlights the ridiculousness of it all. How can I expect people to accept me as Aimee when I am this pretend woman, a man trying but ultimately failing to look and act female, and also without a justifiable reason! Im not a woman trapped in a mans body, im just weird!

This realisation meant that when I finally managed to get dressed up last week for the first time in ages, and then my partner came home it made me feel a little uncomfortable around her. In actual fact, I felt stupid around her. I couldnt care less what anyone else would think but I do care about my partner and how she sees me. Im not sure how to deal with this at this point.

The Next Step

Ive lost all motivation today to do anything. I went to see my counsellor in the morning to discuss how ive been, I dont usually post about these sessions but I feel its fairly significant that we agreed that it might be worth stopping them for a while. The reason being is that we have pretty much covered all that we can on the subject for now, shes given me a CBT technique to try and help with the obsessive thoughts in an effort to learn to accept them and weve now got to wait until the next step. Obviously if I feel the need to see her in the mean time then I can do, and to be honest I probably will do too.

Basically the next step in my plan is to go away for a long weekend (i.e. 3 nights) away to somewhere, probably London. The plan is to spend 2 whole days or more if I can and the nights around and during as Aimee because as much as I get plenty of space here to do it, I feel ive got to put up a facade for my partner at home and dont really feel comfortable 'letting go' in front of other people ive met. I just want a weekend away alone, or to meet some people there who will only see and know me as Aimee. The plan I have in my head at the moment is to get a nice new and convincing wig, a full body wax beforehand, get a close wetshave at a barbers on the day so it is as close as possible, have all my outfits prepared beforehand, and then just go and do the tourist/shopping thing for the weekend. Hopefully being able to immerse myself without any distractions or pretense will give me a better idea of what I want in the long term. I want to stay with my partner more than anything, but for sanitys sake I need to have a clearer idea of what I am so I know what I need to do.

So anyway back to today. After I got back from the session the plan was to spend the day dressed. Once again my chest and arms has come out in spots from the last time I shaved so it meant I couldnt shave them again, and had to dress accordingly. I spent ages going through my wardrobe trying to find some clothes to wear that would hide them. After finally settling on the same dress I wore last time, I sat down to do my makeup by which point it was fairly late in the afternoon (not long before typing this). After cleansing, moisturising and putting on my colour corrector it had gone dark because of the clouds. I ended up looking at myself in the mirror and just giving up.

I cant decide why I gave up to be honest, its the same uphill struggle as every other time I dress. It partly feels like a waste, a pointless exercise doing it at home alone. The fact I had to spend ages trying to cover my flaws on my body didnt help. Its also disheartening having to look at myself in the mirror, I wont go into detail as ive covered this quite a lot previously. Today it just feels like there is just no purpose in doing it, as much as I really want to.

The thought occured to me for a brief moment the other day of just cutting all ties and moving away. Ive done it before when I moved here nearly a decade ago and it was very useful doing so. Now im older and wiser (debatable I know) there will be advantages to doing this.

Giving Up On A Dream

Ok, so I can think about this in a 'blue sky' manner all that I want but realistically that isnt the path I am going to be going down. As much as I would like to live my life in a particular manner, I love my partner to bits and do not want to lose her, so ive been thinking hard about this over the past 24 hours and realised ive just got to accept my current state of affairs and move on as I am now.

All those thoughts and feelings I get arent going to go away, I just need to accept them as a fact of life and carry on as I have been while trying to not let them get to me. Im grateful that my partner has accepted Aimee and is giving me the space to explore this side of me, it is far more than most people have and I cant thank her enough.

Ive still got boundaries I want to push and things I want to do, and I still intend to do them. But I need to get over myself and just accept that in order to have what I want in life, im going to have to have a foot in both worlds, which means im not going to get my way all of the time and im going to have to learn to balance them both. This isnt going to be easy as this is pretty much how ive been living for a while now, but I need to get used to the fact that im going to get these thoughts and im just going to have to ignore them.

As much as it feels like im giving up on a dream, I should be thankful that I at least get to express this side of me when I need to.

Lets Try That Again

Im going to have to rename this blog 'Aimee's Moaning Corner' or something after today I think. Ok, now ive calmed down a little im going to have another crack at what I was trying to do the other day. Im going to try it differently, without asking questions. Just a stream of thought. And to be honest im probably going to be going over similar things that I have in previous posts as well but I need to try and do this from start to finish. Ok, so....

Ive wanted to be a woman for almost as long as I can remember. Early teens? Its certainly something I wanted more than anything especially early on, and recently this feeling has started to come back again albeit not as strong. Is it just a fantasy though? Most likely I fear. And this makes me feel sad, its like giving up on a dream and having to make do with something less.

I feel fine as a guy a lot of the time, its those idle moments where im not busy that it hits me the hardest. To be honest I could probably go on quite happily for the rest of my life living as a man, but there will always be this nagging feeling of another life I could be living. One where I could be happier with myself.

I would love to be able to accept this fact and for a while now I have been trying so hard, but it has on occasion made me feel depressed and snappy. My partner made a mention again today about it, saying its horrible to come home to after a hard day at work, and I sympathise with her. I feel sorry for her having to put up with my low moods like this but I cant help it. If I wasnt with her I would probably be doing more drastic things about now, but I dont know if I need to in order to get through life.

I suppose I am trying to find out where I fit into the grand scheme of things. As much as I dont like labels and pidgeon-holing, I need to be able to say to myself that 'this' is what I am so I can move foward, but I dont know what 'this' is. I can see myself dancing around this question to the end of time. As much as I want to say, im a Transvestite, I hate that term and dont feel it goes far enough to describe the emotions and thoughts that I go through sometimes. And as much as ive read up about Gender Identity Disorder, I just dont understand enough about it to say if it applies.

In an ideal world without my partner being taken into consideration, I would probably be living my life outside of work as Aimee. I would probably be out to friends and family about now and maybe even taking steps to fit in as Aimee more. But then I would have had years of experience by now too. As it is, this is still new to me. And as much as it is giving me a hard time, I think I need time to actually explore it properly. A few private meets and one night out isnt really enough for me to go on.

I need to accept though that as long as I am with my partner, this is pretty much as far as I am going to get. And all those thoughts are just going to keep happening and im just going to have deal with them. Am I happy with my partner? Absolutely, I love her to bits! Am I happy to just keep going as I am as far as Aimee is concerned? I hope so.

Where To Go From Here Part 2

This is a direct continuation from this post. If you havent done so please read it first.

What do I want to be happy?

In an ideal world I would love to be a woman but I dont think its a need or that I need to transition because I dont feel 'wrong' as a man either, I just dont like being a man. I want to be more confident in myself, I want to properly embrace my female side, I want to be more convincing, and I want to do it more. I want to be able to be happy with who I am. I feel like im missing out on something important but I just dont know if it is important enough because I cant see it, I cant label it and I cant quantify it. Ive got enough regrets in my life right now, so many 'I wished I did this' moments, I dont want this to be one too.

What steps can I take next?

I need more time to figure this out I think. A proper weekend or more away from people I know so I can just try it out properly. Just being able to do it for a few hours or so at a time just isnt enough time for me to properly figure things out, and with my partner around I just dont feel like im able to let go.

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You know what? Scratch all of the above. I dont know what I want anymore. I thought coming out to my partner would be enough for me but clearly it is not, and im getting pissed off with digging myself into a mental hole regularly. Once again im sat here in front of the laptop at home while my partner is in work, trying to self analyze myself to the point where I am tired of doing it now because every time I do I get frustrated and depressed, like I am now. Am I in denial over the whole thing? I re-read the last few things ive posted trying to make sense of it all and it isnt helping, it makes as much sense reading it back as it does in my head, none.

Do I want to transition? No. Do I want to be a woman? Yes. Make your fucking mind up! But then I cant, im one of the most indecisive people you will ever meet. I just go with the flow of any situation I am put in, why should this be any different. Make a decision? Think for myself? Yeah right.

Ive had advice from people who can sit in the middle about finding my 't-life balance', which to be honest is probably easier said than done. I thought I had found it but the thoughts just wouldnt leave me alone and after a while I was down again. I dont want to accept that ive got to be depressed with myself for 50% of my life just because ive got this identity problem, why should I live like that!

Once again I had a chance to dress up today but ive got so little motivation I couldnt be bothered too, im meant to be meeting my partner in town today to do some Christmas shopping and im not going to that either (although to be fair the heavy rain isnt helping either!)

I dont know what I want out of this anymore.

Where To Go From Here

Well its been over a week since my last blog entry, ive had a lot going on in and out of work which has kept me busy and my mind off things when it comes to Aimee. I thought it was about time I tried to dig deep and truly find out what it is I want out of this. I spend all my time moaning on here but never coming up with anything proactive to decide where I need to go. I think im relying on my counsellor too much to give me answers when I know that isnt what she is there for, I need to try and figure this out myself.

Im going to try and answer these questions without taking my partner into consideration unless applicable.

Where am I now?

Im currently a part time TV who has come out to my partner who has been generally accepting of it. Im not happy with my body as 20 years of Testosterone has done its work moving me away from being 'passable'. I obsess over this side of me the majority of the time whether its me trying to analyze myself, or comparing myself against women, and I especially do this when my brain is idle. A lot of the time these thoughts can make me feel sad as they tend to be of the 'what if' variety.

I get to dress once a week or so and its nice being able to do so. However I think I am putting on a 'front' as my partner is usually there.

Am I happy where I am?

On the one hand I am yes, im luckier than most in that I have a loving partner who has accepted this side of me. There are certain aspects of my figure that lend well to dressing and I am grateful for them. On the other hand the frustration of not being able to go further than I am can really get me down because facing myself sometimes makes me realise how masculine my features are, which in turn makes it more difficult to look feminine.

Where do I want to go?

I really dont know. Do I want to become a woman? Its something ive dreamed of since I was an early teen, maybe even sooner. All my life ive longed to be like the women I see around me. If I could take a pill and wake up tomorrow as a member of the fairer sex I wouldnt hesitate to pop it. Realistically, the steps required to change gender are not something to be taken lightly and I just dont think it is the right path for me as I am comfortable as a man most of the time. But telling myself this feels like im giving up on a dream and makes me feel really sad, even typing this right now is putting a lump in my throat. So bearing this in mind what else can I do?

What can I do realistically?

The only other thing I can do is to undergo cosmetic procedures to make myself look as close as possible. Hair regrowth, laser facial/body hair, facial surgery, etc. But then if I want to go that far, why not go for hormones too. It seems pointless to take steps like that to just be an imitation. But then thats it. Even if I took hormones, inside I would probably still feel like an imitation. Probably.

Would I be happy if I continued as I am?

I dont think so. But I think what I want in order to be happy is unattainable, and im having difficulty picturing an acceptable middle ground. Could I get by as I am, probably. But I dont want regrets hanging over my head for the rest of my life, ive got enough of them already.

What do I want to be happy?

I want to be a woman. But I dont think its realistic for me to chase this dream.  

Ive ran out of steam with this post. Ive been getting depressed typing it so im going to stop for now.