Im going to have to rename this blog 'Aimee's Moaning Corner' or something after today I think. Ok, now ive calmed down a little im going to have another crack at what I was trying to do the other day. Im going to try it differently, without asking questions. Just a stream of thought. And to be honest im probably going to be going over similar things that I have in previous posts as well but I need to try and do this from start to finish. Ok, so....
Ive wanted to be a woman for almost as long as I can remember. Early teens? Its certainly something I wanted more than anything especially early on, and recently this feeling has started to come back again albeit not as strong. Is it just a fantasy though? Most likely I fear. And this makes me feel sad, its like giving up on a dream and having to make do with something less.
I feel fine as a guy a lot of the time, its those idle moments where im not busy that it hits me the hardest. To be honest I could probably go on quite happily for the rest of my life living as a man, but there will always be this nagging feeling of another life I could be living. One where I could be happier with myself.
I would love to be able to accept this fact and for a while now I have been trying so hard, but it has on occasion made me feel depressed and snappy. My partner made a mention again today about it, saying its horrible to come home to after a hard day at work, and I sympathise with her. I feel sorry for her having to put up with my low moods like this but I cant help it. If I wasnt with her I would probably be doing more drastic things about now, but I dont know if I need to in order to get through life.
I suppose I am trying to find out where I fit into the grand scheme of things. As much as I dont like labels and pidgeon-holing, I need to be able to say to myself that 'this' is what I am so I can move foward, but I dont know what 'this' is. I can see myself dancing around this question to the end of time. As much as I want to say, im a Transvestite, I hate that term and dont feel it goes far enough to describe the emotions and thoughts that I go through sometimes. And as much as ive read up about Gender Identity Disorder, I just dont understand enough about it to say if it applies.
In an ideal world without my partner being taken into consideration, I would probably be living my life outside of work as Aimee. I would probably be out to friends and family about now and maybe even taking steps to fit in as Aimee more. But then I would have had years of experience by now too. As it is, this is still new to me. And as much as it is giving me a hard time, I think I need time to actually explore it properly. A few private meets and one night out isnt really enough for me to go on.
I need to accept though that as long as I am with my partner, this is pretty much as far as I am going to get. And all those thoughts are just going to keep happening and im just going to have deal with them. Am I happy with my partner? Absolutely, I love her to bits! Am I happy to just keep going as I am as far as Aimee is concerned? I hope so.