Wednesday, 28 November 2012

The Next Step

Ive lost all motivation today to do anything. I went to see my counsellor in the morning to discuss how ive been, I dont usually post about these sessions but I feel its fairly significant that we agreed that it might be worth stopping them for a while. The reason being is that we have pretty much covered all that we can on the subject for now, shes given me a CBT technique to try and help with the obsessive thoughts in an effort to learn to accept them and weve now got to wait until the next step. Obviously if I feel the need to see her in the mean time then I can do, and to be honest I probably will do too.

Basically the next step in my plan is to go away for a long weekend (i.e. 3 nights) away to somewhere, probably London. The plan is to spend 2 whole days or more if I can and the nights around and during as Aimee because as much as I get plenty of space here to do it, I feel ive got to put up a facade for my partner at home and dont really feel comfortable 'letting go' in front of other people ive met. I just want a weekend away alone, or to meet some people there who will only see and know me as Aimee. The plan I have in my head at the moment is to get a nice new and convincing wig, a full body wax beforehand, get a close wetshave at a barbers on the day so it is as close as possible, have all my outfits prepared beforehand, and then just go and do the tourist/shopping thing for the weekend. Hopefully being able to immerse myself without any distractions or pretense will give me a better idea of what I want in the long term. I want to stay with my partner more than anything, but for sanitys sake I need to have a clearer idea of what I am so I know what I need to do.

So anyway back to today. After I got back from the session the plan was to spend the day dressed. Once again my chest and arms has come out in spots from the last time I shaved so it meant I couldnt shave them again, and had to dress accordingly. I spent ages going through my wardrobe trying to find some clothes to wear that would hide them. After finally settling on the same dress I wore last time, I sat down to do my makeup by which point it was fairly late in the afternoon (not long before typing this). After cleansing, moisturising and putting on my colour corrector it had gone dark because of the clouds. I ended up looking at myself in the mirror and just giving up.

I cant decide why I gave up to be honest, its the same uphill struggle as every other time I dress. It partly feels like a waste, a pointless exercise doing it at home alone. The fact I had to spend ages trying to cover my flaws on my body didnt help. Its also disheartening having to look at myself in the mirror, I wont go into detail as ive covered this quite a lot previously. Today it just feels like there is just no purpose in doing it, as much as I really want to.

The thought occured to me for a brief moment the other day of just cutting all ties and moving away. Ive done it before when I moved here nearly a decade ago and it was very useful doing so. Now im older and wiser (debatable I know) there will be advantages to doing this.

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