Well its been over a week since my last blog entry, ive had a lot going on in and out of work which has kept me busy and my mind off things when it comes to Aimee. I thought it was about time I tried to dig deep and truly find out what it is I want out of this. I spend all my time moaning on here but never coming up with anything proactive to decide where I need to go. I think im relying on my counsellor too much to give me answers when I know that isnt what she is there for, I need to try and figure this out myself.
Im going to try and answer these questions without taking my partner into consideration unless applicable.
Where am I now?
Im currently a part time TV who has come out to my partner who has been generally accepting of it. Im not happy with my body as 20 years of Testosterone has done its work moving me away from being 'passable'. I obsess over this side of me the majority of the time whether its me trying to analyze myself, or comparing myself against women, and I especially do this when my brain is idle. A lot of the time these thoughts can make me feel sad as they tend to be of the 'what if' variety.
I get to dress once a week or so and its nice being able to do so. However I think I am putting on a 'front' as my partner is usually there.
Am I happy where I am?
On the one hand I am yes, im luckier than most in that I have a loving partner who has accepted this side of me. There are certain aspects of my figure that lend well to dressing and I am grateful for them. On the other hand the frustration of not being able to go further than I am can really get me down because facing myself sometimes makes me realise how masculine my features are, which in turn makes it more difficult to look feminine.
Where do I want to go?
I really dont know. Do I want to become a woman? Its something ive dreamed of since I was an early teen, maybe even sooner. All my life ive longed to be like the women I see around me. If I could take a pill and wake up tomorrow as a member of the fairer sex I wouldnt hesitate to pop it. Realistically, the steps required to change gender are not something to be taken lightly and I just dont think it is the right path for me as I am comfortable as a man most of the time. But telling myself this feels like im giving up on a dream and makes me feel really sad, even typing this right now is putting a lump in my throat. So bearing this in mind what else can I do?
What can I do realistically?
The only other thing I can do is to undergo cosmetic procedures to make myself look as close as possible. Hair regrowth, laser facial/body hair, facial surgery, etc. But then if I want to go that far, why not go for hormones too. It seems pointless to take steps like that to just be an imitation. But then thats it. Even if I took hormones, inside I would probably still feel like an imitation. Probably.
Would I be happy if I continued as I am?
I dont think so. But I think what I want in order to be happy is unattainable, and im having difficulty picturing an acceptable middle ground. Could I get by as I am, probably. But I dont want regrets hanging over my head for the rest of my life, ive got enough of them already.
What do I want to be happy?
I want to be a woman. But I dont think its realistic for me to chase this dream.
Ive ran out of steam with this post. Ive been getting depressed typing it so im going to stop for now.
A very thoughtful post Aimee. Ultimately there are few dreams too big to give up on in this life. Being trans we are cursed with having the dream of being comfortable to chase while most people take this gift for granted. If you feel that being a woman would make you happy and comfortable then don't give up on it, make the steps needed to attain it. Transition is a long road and it's certainly not routine but it is easier than it used to be. Speak to your counsellor about this and speak to your partner. I struggled with similar demons that you seem to be struggling with and I ended up on the edge of a cliff, literally, before I took the steps I needed to. If you ever need to chat just PM me on Angels x
ReplyDeleteLove Em x
Thank you. Ive got more to type yet but it was getting a bit too heavy for me to continue with tonight.
DeleteI suppose I feel im at a bit of a crossroads. I dont know if being a woman will make me happy. I have these little snapshots of time where I get to let Aimee out for a bit and it just isnt enough for me to make this kind of decision. And this in itself makes me think that maybe being a woman full time isnt right for me, wouldnt I be 100% sure?
And if it is the case where I decide to continue as I am, how do I strike a balance? I thought accepting Aimee as part of my life and telling my partner so there would be no secrets would be enough for me to move on from the 'down days' and move forward with this, but it hasnt really helped, its just moved the goal.
I dont really want to talk to my partner about it until I know whats going on and where I am going to be honest, the last thing I want to do is worry her when I dont even know what I want.
Thank you for the offer, I may just take you up on that at some point. :)
Aimee X