This is a direct continuation from this post. If you havent done so please read it first.
What do I want to be happy?
In an ideal world I would love to be a woman but I dont think its a
need or that I need to transition because I dont feel 'wrong' as a man
either, I just dont like being a man. I want to be more confident in myself, I want to properly
embrace my female side, I want to be more convincing, and I want to do
it more. I want to be able to be happy with who I am. I feel like im missing out on something important but I just dont know
if it is important enough because I cant see it, I cant label it and I
cant quantify it. Ive got enough regrets in my life right now, so many
'I wished I did this' moments, I dont want this to be one too.
What steps can I take next?
I need more time to figure this out I think. A proper weekend or more away from people I know so I can just try it out properly. Just being able to do it for a few hours or so at a time just isnt enough time for me to properly figure things out, and with my partner around I just dont feel like im able to let go.
You know what? Scratch all of the above. I dont know what I want anymore. I thought coming out to my partner would be enough for me but clearly it is not, and im getting pissed off with digging myself into a mental hole regularly. Once again im sat here in front of the laptop at home while my partner is in work, trying to self analyze myself to the point where I am tired of doing it now because every time I do I get frustrated and depressed, like I am now. Am I in denial over the whole thing? I re-read the last few things ive posted trying to make sense of it all and it isnt helping, it makes as much sense reading it back as it does in my head, none.
Do I want to transition? No. Do I want to be a woman? Yes. Make your fucking mind up! But then I cant, im one of the most indecisive people you will ever meet. I just go with the flow of any situation I am put in, why should this be any different. Make a decision? Think for myself? Yeah right.
Ive had advice from people who can sit in the middle about finding my 't-life balance', which to be honest is probably easier said than done. I thought I had found it but the thoughts just wouldnt leave me alone and after a while I was down again. I dont want to accept that ive got to be depressed with myself for 50% of my life just because ive got this identity problem, why should I live like that!
Once again I had a chance to dress up today but ive got so little motivation I couldnt be bothered too, im meant to be meeting my partner in town today to do some Christmas shopping and im not going to that either (although to be fair the heavy rain isnt helping either!)
I dont know what I want out of this anymore.