Thursday, 22 November 2012

Where To Go From Here Part 2

This is a direct continuation from this post. If you havent done so please read it first.

What do I want to be happy?

In an ideal world I would love to be a woman but I dont think its a need or that I need to transition because I dont feel 'wrong' as a man either, I just dont like being a man. I want to be more confident in myself, I want to properly embrace my female side, I want to be more convincing, and I want to do it more. I want to be able to be happy with who I am. I feel like im missing out on something important but I just dont know if it is important enough because I cant see it, I cant label it and I cant quantify it. Ive got enough regrets in my life right now, so many 'I wished I did this' moments, I dont want this to be one too.

What steps can I take next?

I need more time to figure this out I think. A proper weekend or more away from people I know so I can just try it out properly. Just being able to do it for a few hours or so at a time just isnt enough time for me to properly figure things out, and with my partner around I just dont feel like im able to let go.


You know what? Scratch all of the above. I dont know what I want anymore. I thought coming out to my partner would be enough for me but clearly it is not, and im getting pissed off with digging myself into a mental hole regularly. Once again im sat here in front of the laptop at home while my partner is in work, trying to self analyze myself to the point where I am tired of doing it now because every time I do I get frustrated and depressed, like I am now. Am I in denial over the whole thing? I re-read the last few things ive posted trying to make sense of it all and it isnt helping, it makes as much sense reading it back as it does in my head, none.

Do I want to transition? No. Do I want to be a woman? Yes. Make your fucking mind up! But then I cant, im one of the most indecisive people you will ever meet. I just go with the flow of any situation I am put in, why should this be any different. Make a decision? Think for myself? Yeah right.

Ive had advice from people who can sit in the middle about finding my 't-life balance', which to be honest is probably easier said than done. I thought I had found it but the thoughts just wouldnt leave me alone and after a while I was down again. I dont want to accept that ive got to be depressed with myself for 50% of my life just because ive got this identity problem, why should I live like that!

Once again I had a chance to dress up today but ive got so little motivation I couldnt be bothered too, im meant to be meeting my partner in town today to do some Christmas shopping and im not going to that either (although to be fair the heavy rain isnt helping either!)

I dont know what I want out of this anymore.


  1. Self analysis is good but only now and again. All you'll do is confuse yourself more, which appears to be happening.
    I never felt trapped in the wrong body, for me that is such a cliche. I just felt deeply uncomfortable and unsattisfied with who I was. I felt unfulfilled in life despite the fact that I had a lot.
    No one can tell you who or what you are, that's something that you have to work out for yourself I'm afraid.
    The beauty of transition is that it's not a straight road with only one end. You can get off at whichever junction you may choose. I know of a few girls who've gone to the GIC, started hormones, gone full-time and left it at that because they reached a stage they were happy with.
    Love em

    1. Thanks for taking the time to comment Em, its much appreciated.

      I agree with you and I try to only do it occasionally because it always seems to end up the same and I end up not happy with myself, often though I dont really get a choice in the matter. When my brain is idle my mind wanders.

      Im aware im going to have to figure it out for myself and I have been trying. Im now just fed up of trying at this point. Right now, I see myself as a part time TV who has a lot of freedom (more than most) to express this side of me. I get to dress up regularly and can do more than I have ever been able to do before, ive got acceptance from my partner, I should be happy with this. I dont feel uncomfortable as a man generally and dont self identify as a woman.

      I dont know. I need to get out of this rut I think somehow.